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SAN JOSE, CAWith his explanation collapsing within seconds under the scrutiny of his parents, local toddler Timmy Herman reportedly felt the walls closing in on him Thursday after he claimed the TV broke itself. So youre telling me you just walked into the living room and the TV shattered all on its own? said the [] The post Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself appeared first on The Onion .

Following a Supreme Court ruling striking down Trumps tariffs, the administration has begun the process of allowing businesses to apply for refunds. Heres what you need to know about tariff refunds. Q: Why did the Supreme Court rule against Trumps tariffs? A: The cult of personality surrounding 1913 Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan. Q: [] The post What To Know About Tariff Refunds appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONBowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arbys menu Thursday in an effort to appeal to the nations meat lovers. French Dip Royale, Classic Beef N Cheddar, Double Beef N Cheddar, Half Pound Beef N Cheddarthats from the Arbys slow roasted beef [] The post Trump Conducts Marathon Reading Of Arbys Menu In Appeal To Meat Lovers appeared first on The Onion .

ST. LOUISRevealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation Z drinks far fewer flagons of mead than medieval generations did. We observed that, as opposed to their predecessors, young adults today seldom venture out to their local mead hall and [] The post Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations appeared first on The Onion .

LGBTQ dating app Grindr will host its first-ever White House Correspondents dinner party on Friday night before the event. What do you think? The post Grindr To Host White House Correspondents Dinner Party appeared first on The Onion .

A humanoid robot in Beijing finished a half marathon in 50 minutes and 26 seconds, about almost seven minutes faster than the human world record. What do you think? The post Humanoid Robot Beats Human Half-Marathon Record appeared first on The Onion .

The post Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid To Rest appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAlleging that the shows had grown shamefully timid and unexciting to watch in recent years, a furious President Donald Trump posted a lengthy Truth Social rant late last night in which he claimed circuses were not violent enough. When I was a kid, a lot more people and animals got hurt, but not anymoretotal disgrace! [] The post Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough appeared first on The Onion .

Nicholas Geary, 52, died peacefully Monday. Quite peacefully, in fact almost indifferently, as though he couldnt care less. The post Nicholas Geary appeared first on The Onion .

BURBANK, CAHinting at an exciting new phase for the beloved franchise, the Walt Disney Co. released a statement Friday promising Star Wars fans a new era of blind stabs at what they seemed to like before. Fans of the rich world George Lucas created can expect a consistent output of wildly varying guesses at what [] The post Disney Promises Star Wars Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs At What They Seemed To Like Before appeared first on The Onion .

COEUR DALENE, IDWincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that he had drunkenly gotten a neo-Nazi tattoo removed. Shit, shit, shittheres no way I can go outside looking like this, said a hungover Hanlon, groaning as he stumbled into his closet [] The post Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed appeared first on The Onion .

The post Fractures Emerge Between GOPs Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings appeared first on The Onion .

The post Apple Backs Up Tim Cooks Memories To Port Over Into Next CEO appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONDenouncing what they called a sickening misrepresentation of the facts, critics of a new Michael Jackson biopic argued Monday that the movie brazenly depicted Neverland Ranch with way cooler rides than it actually had. Michael is a shameless whitewashing of ride options that frankly were no better than what youd encounter at a ramshackle roadside [] The post Michael Criticized For Depicting Neverland Ranch With Cooler Rides Than It Actually Had appeared first on The Onion .

The post UFC Broadcasters Look Like It appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying the opportunity to masterfully execute a difficult parking job was never far from their minds, the nations dads confirmed Tuesday a deep yearning for the chance to back a large vehicle into a tight spot. Oh yeah, I could definitely fit a van back there, said Maryland father George Packard, echoing the sentiments of [] The post Nations Dads Yearn For Chance To Back Large Vehicle Into Tight Spot appeared first on The Onion .

CARMI, ILExpressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it could just be a soybean and have that be enough. I dont want to be a sauce, I dont want to be an oil, I dont want to be tofu [] The post Soybean Wishes It Could Just Be A Soybean And Have That Be Enough appeared first on The Onion .