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In what would be the nations first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasans death by firing squad. What do you think? The post Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. No one should be surprised that all the scrutiny from the mainstream press is focused squarely on the spotted [] The post White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trumps Ass appeared first on The Onion .

GREENSBORO, NCGrowing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were always immaculate, said Fuller, reminiscing about the law clerk she and other secretaries at the [] The post Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONVowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity Thursday.Let me say this loud and clear: Failing to eat your entire hamburger, regardless [] The post FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger As Seditious Activity appeared first on The Onion .

DNA analysis of a lock of Thomas Jeffersons hair has provided the strongest genetic evidence yet that he did in fact father at least one child with the enslaved woman Sally Hemings, as has long been speculated. What do you think? The post DNA Provides More Evidence Thomas Jefferson Fathered Children With Sally Hemings appeared first on The Onion .

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ITHACA, NYIn an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastilyannounced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and in the 90 minutes of its existence, the [] The post Cornell Tries Going By Different Name appeared first on The Onion .

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This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games: The suit over Apples App Store fees will be the first Supreme Court hearing hosted [] The post Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term appeared first on The Onion .

SEATTLEIn an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. Stop by any Starbucks between 8 and 9 a.m. to enjoy your free cake pop without having to worry youll [] The post Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward appeared first on The Onion .

HOULTON, MESaying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. Im really annoyed that were having this conversation again when Ive already told him Im not interested, but I suppose [] The post Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts appeared first on The Onion .

Ive never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I wasthey couldnt get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to reevaluate old grudges, and while this might ding my [] The post All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over appeared first on The Onion .

BEVERLY HILLS, CAAssuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going bye-bye for a bit. Just like all you busy boys and girls, sometimes Ted Lasso gets tired and needs to rest, said series [] The post Ted Lasso Fans Told That Show Going Bye-Bye For A Bit appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAs they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still perfect.Americans, we come to you on your semiquincentennial with a dire dispatch: You must keep up [] The post Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of FutureWhere America Still Perfect appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the upcoming midterms. What do you think? The post Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKUrging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. The first time you see all those zeroes in your bank account, youre going to be tempted to buy a beautiful 10-foot albino [] The post NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake appeared first on The Onion .

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO Have met same rigorous safety standards as Kranked XXXtreme Nuclear Berry Preworkout Something interesting to talk [] The post Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday into why their party lost the 2026 midterm elections. Upon careful analysis, its clear our organization is going to bungle messaging in late October, costing [] The post DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONFaced with a weekend of dismal ticket sales that ranked among the worst in the megastars career,a smiling, unblinking Tom Cruise calmly stated Monday that he just wanted to know why the nation didnt turn out to see his new movie Digger. Relax, Im not gonna fly off the handle or anything like that, but [] The post Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didnt See Digger appeared first on The Onion .

DARLINGTON, OHIn an obvious attempt to appeal to the countys different demographic, U.S. House of Representatives candidate Jim Richardson reportedly showed up Monday to a campaign event in a ruralpart of Ohios 12 Congressional District with a different wife. Its natural for a candidate to subtly modulate his messaging for different constituencies, and one way [] The post Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDuring an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, detailed a conspiracy in which paid operatives [] The post Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him appeared first on The Onion .

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INDIANAPOLISAs he maintained steady eye contact and periodically murmured, Yeah, man, ESPN host Pat McAfee could be seen nodding along Tuesday during a broadcast of his talk show in which Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a two-hour monologue extolling the health benefits of eating tar.People hear tar and they get scared, but why? Its [] The post Pat McAfee Nods During Aaron Rodgers 2-Hour Monologue On Virtues Of Eating Tar appeared first on The Onion .