theonion

DALLASTrembling with horror as an uncontrollable desire to amuse strangers seized control of his body, Wake Forest University sophomore Bennett Walker reportedly realized Saturday that the Demon Deacon mascot costume he was wearing had begun taking over. Oh, God, noplease, no, not again! I can feel myself becoming jauntier, naughtier, more full of antics, said [] The post Student Inside Wake Forest Mascot Feels Costume Taking Over appeared first on The Onion .

Throughout American history, nations of the world have engaged in espionage in an attempt to gain strategic leverage over the United States. The Onion takes a look back at key instances of foreign spies operating within U.S. borders. 1775 British guy hides in a tree. 1812 The cover of 40 redcoat spies is blown when [] The post Timeline Of Foreign Spies In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

In a development that has plunged the linchpin of the AI economy into turmoil, Nvidia co-founder and CEO Jensen Huang resigned following affairs with both a suspected Chinese spy and a subordinate executive who reported to him. What do you think? The post Nvidia CEO Resigns After Affair With Suspected Spy appeared first on The Onion .

The post Pressing the Flesh appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONClaiming that concerns over pollution levels were vastly overblown, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a statement Tuesday assuring the public that the air was still safe for non-breathing applications.The air quality is perfectly safe, provided its not being used for any sort of respiration, said EPA administrator Lee Zeldin, who stressed that ozone, PM2.5, carbon [] The post EPA Assures Public That Air Still Safe For Non-Breathing Applications appeared first on The Onion .

FORT LAUDERDALE, FLAs he noted how coddled kids were nowadays compared with older generations, area grandfather Hank Hayes recalled Friday that when he was young, he had to evolve legs to get to school.Back in my day, if you wanted an education, you had to crawl out of the ocean on your fins until you [] The post Grandpa Recalls Evolving Legs To Get To School appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKTouched by his dedication and realizing his time was running tragically short,Rockstar Games allowed a dying fan to visit its office Wednesday and play Grand Theft Auto III from the comfort of a hospital bed. When we heard about this poor kid and how urgent his situation was, we flew him out here right [] The post Rockstar Lets Dying Fan Play Grand Theft Auto III appeared first on The Onion .

SEOULShocking fans with a move few saw coming, K-pop star Jung Kook confirmed in an interview Friday that he was leaving BTS for Blue Man Group. BTS has been one heck of a ride, but its time for me to begin my next chapter, said the 28-year-old singer, songwriter, and dancer, who added that becoming [] The post Jung Kook Leaves BTS For Blue Man Group appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDeclaring that the time had come for the nations mightiest warriors to at last achieve a decisive victory in the Persian Gulf,President Donald Trump called upon the American Gladiators on Thursday to finish the Iran War. I am hereby requesting that our most muscular fighting men and women grab their double-padded jousting sticks, head to [] The post Trump Calls On American Gladiators To Finish Iran War appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying he was grasping at straws in his efforts to avoid spending any more one-on-one time with the American vice president, Chinese spy Simon Li told reporters Monday he was running out of excuses not to hang out with JD Vance.I dont know when JD is going to take the hint that I have no [] The post Chinese Spy Running Out Of Excuses Not To Hang Out With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion .

LONDONHis heart sinking as he realized he hadnt even been given the dignity of speaking with a real human being, actor Jack Lowden reportedly interviewed for Amazons open James Bond position on Thursday with an AI recruiter. Um, yeah, its always been a dream of mine to play 007, and Id love to bring my [] The post Jack Lowden Interviews For James Bond Job With AI Amazon Recruiter appeared first on The Onion .

OKLAHOMA CITYIn what is being hailed as a massive win for the states conservative lawmakers, the Oklahoma Legislature approved a new measure Tuesday that strictly bans marrying for love.Marriage should be a holy union between a man and a woman who wants to aggressively procreate, not a couple who shares a profound romantic bond, Gov. [] The post Oklahoma Bans Marrying For Love appeared first on The Onion .

It might surprise you given my politics, but I have no problem with immigrants. Personally, I think America should welcome anyone who crosses our borders to make a better life for themselves. However, people who enter this country should do so through the proper channels. Its that simple. If you want to come here, do [] The post My Great-Grandparents Immigrated The Right Way By Killing 2 Americans And Assuming Their Identity appeared first on The Onion .

BOULDER, COSaying that the diseases sudden onset had completely upended his life, local man Jared Houk spoke to reporters Tuesday about the rare disorder that was causing his immune system to attack Portugal.I was a completely healthy 30-year-old man until one day my body freaked out and started identifying the Portuguese as invaders, said Houk, [] The post Rare Disorder Causes Mans Immune System To Attack Portugal appeared first on The Onion .

ST. LOUISAmid speculation over local sister Megan Hogans new inclination for establishing boundaries, sources confirmed Thursday that her therapist must have been the one to put her up to this. Theres no way shed ask to get coffee to discuss our narcissistic tendencies if her therapist didnt suggest it, said Hogans sibling, claiming there was [] The post Report: Sisters Therapist Must Have Put Her Up To This appeared first on The Onion .

Google announced that schools which block AI use entirely would have their access to web search restricted, a move meant to curb growing calls to ban artificial intelligence in K-12 education. What do you think? The post Google Withholds Search For Schools That Ban AI appeared first on The Onion .

As America has changed over the centuries, so too has one of its most majestic symbols. Here is how the U.S. flag has evolved. The post Evolution Of The U.S. Flag appeared first on The Onion .

ORLANDO, FLNoting that there was just something about him and that he possessed the kind of innate physical tools that could not be taught, basketball scouts confirmed Friday that they saw tremendous potential in 7-foot-5 toddler Miles Covington.I know talent, and this kid has that it factorgreat length, a huge wingspan, wears size 17 Stride [] The post Basketball Scouts See Potential In 7-Foot-5 Toddler appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSNoting that the change would take effect immediately for all 8.2 billion of His earthly creations, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that cutting hair would hurt now.Going forward, cutting any hair on your body, from your head to your pubic region, will result in excruciating agony unlike anything youve ever experienced, said [] The post God Announces Cutting Hair Will Hurt Now appeared first on The Onion .

The post Hark, Who Goes There? appeared first on The Onion .

Elon Musk announced that Tesla will cease production of the Cybertruck in 2027, diverting resources to increase manufacturing of the companys self-driving taxi, the Cybercab. What do you think? The post Cybertruck Discontinued appeared first on The Onion .

Support for unions in the United States is the highest its been in decades, prompted by the rise of AI and income inequality. The Onion examines the pros and cons of labor unions. PRO Theyre the only reason youre not handcuffed to a mine cart right now. Theyre the best way to get over a [] The post Pros And Cons Of Unions appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ALTOS HILLS, CARanting at length as he shared details about his stressful work life, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly vented to his new Russian girlfriend Tuesday about the ongoing corporate investigation into his conduct at the company. Im telling you, Svetlana, you have no idea the insane amount of pressure Im under, Huang said [] The post Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend appeared first on The Onion .

The post Is Violence Becoming Too Political? appeared first on The Onion .

SEATTLEWith its announcement of a new technology that company executives touted as the future of online shopping, retail giant Amazon confirmed Thursday that it would launch a new fleet of drones that continuously hover above potential customers until they order something.This fully electric, autonomous drone can locate and follow any consumers within range until they [] The post New Amazon Drone Hovers Above Customer Until They Order Something appeared first on The Onion .

MEMPHIS, TNWith a massive crowd gathering at the facility to witness a milestone event in the history of the species, Graceland celebrated this week as it welcomed the first-ever Elvis born in captivity.After many years where we didnt know if we would ever have another king, our visitors are thrilled to see this newborn Elvis [] The post Graceland Celebrates First Elvis Born In Captivity appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAccording to administration sources, President Donald Trump gathered his Cabinet in the White House Situation Room on Friday to watch pornography, staring at a large-screen TV with laser focus while his advisors sat around him in hushed silence.Operation horny MILF teacher bangs hot male student is a go, said Trump, who leaned forward with tented [] The post Trump Gathers Cabinet In Situation Room To Watch Porn appeared first on The Onion .

IRVING, TX Revealing his openness to disclosing sensitive corporate information if properly incentivized, Entenmanns CEO Larry Dunford announced Monday that he was happy to share donut-related secrets with Chinese spies in exchange for sex. Ill tell you whatever you want to know: recipes, ingredients, how we get the powdered sugar to stay on, you name [] The post Entenmanns CEO Announces He Happy To Share Donut Secrets With Chinese Spies In Exchange For Sex appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling it a shortsighted decision that he would come to regret during his final two years in office,members of the GOP criticized President Donald Trump Monday for promoting Stephen Miller to serve as chief of staff over other, more qualified necrophiles. The Republican Party has a deep bench of candidates who sexually abuse corpses at [] The post GOP Criticizes Trump For Promoting Stephen Miller Over Other, More Qualified Necrophiles appeared first on The Onion .

DUBAIRubbing at his eyes carefully with one hand and murmuring shit under his breath as he watched one of his slippers tumble toward the ground over 500 meters below, actor Tom Cruise reportedly woke up Wednesday while sleep-climbing the Burj Khalifa. Oh, no, not this again, said Cruise, who tightened his grip on the exterior [] The post Tom Cruise Wakes Up Sleep-Climbing Burj Khalifa appeared first on The Onion .

FITCHBURG, WIStating that he could not recall Cocoa Beach, an airboat tour of the Everglades, or breakfast with Chip n Dale at the Garden Grill Restaurant, local seventh grader Caleb May told reporters Thursday that the only memory he had of the $6,000 vacation he took with his family in 2019 was throwing up in [] The post Only Memory Child Has Of $6,000 Vacation Throwing Up In Car appeared first on The Onion .