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NEW YORKUrging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. The first time you see all those zeroes in your bank account, youre going to be tempted to buy a beautiful 10-foot albino [] The post NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake appeared first on The Onion .

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO Have met same rigorous safety standards as Kranked XXXtreme Nuclear Berry Preworkout Something interesting to talk [] The post Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday into why their party lost the 2026 midterm elections. Upon careful analysis, its clear our organization is going to bungle messaging in late October, costing [] The post DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONFaced with a weekend of dismal ticket sales that ranked among the worst in the megastars career,a smiling, unblinking Tom Cruise calmly stated Monday that he just wanted to know why the nation didnt turn out to see his new movie Digger. Relax, Im not gonna fly off the handle or anything like that, but [] The post Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didnt See Digger appeared first on The Onion .

DARLINGTON, OHIn an obvious attempt to appeal to the countys different demographic, U.S. House of Representatives candidate Jim Richardson reportedly showed up Monday to a campaign event in a ruralpart of Ohios 12 Congressional District with a different wife. Its natural for a candidate to subtly modulate his messaging for different constituencies, and one way [] The post Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDuring an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, detailed a conspiracy in which paid operatives [] The post Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him appeared first on The Onion .

INDIANAPOLISAs he maintained steady eye contact and periodically murmured, Yeah, man, ESPN host Pat McAfee could be seen nodding along Tuesday during a broadcast of his talk show in which Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a two-hour monologue extolling the health benefits of eating tar.People hear tar and they get scared, but why? Its [] The post Pat McAfee Nods During Aaron Rodgers 2-Hour Monologue On Virtues Of Eating Tar appeared first on The Onion .

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