WASHINGTONA new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that the American people still lead the world in identifying precisely which of them they want. Our findings suggest that U.S. citizens tower above their peers when it comes to pointing out which one they want off the shelf and how many Read more...

LOS ANGELESIn a bold new campaign aimed at reversing recent declines in monthly subscribers, a new Tinder ad reportedly told lapsed users this week that they will come back to the dating app like a dog to its own vomit. Just as a fool to their own folly, you will return to your own retchings and happily lap them Read more...

GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, AZAwestruck as they watched the creature scarf down the grease-stained paper product, visitors at Grand Canyon National Park were reportedly treated to the majestic sight of a crow eating a napkin Tuesday. Shh, kids, quietwe dont want to scare him off, said tourist Pierre Boulard, who took Read more...

INDIO, CASaying it was time to build upon the music and arts festivals two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festivals potential, weve decided to add Read more...

Although the youth vote was integral in his victory against Donald Trump in the 2020 election, Joe Bidens approval ratings have tanked amongst 18-to-27-year-olds. If President Biden is interested in winning back Gen Z voters, hell have to do the following things. Read more...

NEW YORKEmphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison. Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be Read more...

WASHINGTONSaying theyd learned a lot about her life and the adversities shed faced over the years, the nations white women announced Monday that they had a new perspective on socialite and media personality Paris Hilton. After many difficult, arduous hours spent reflecting on our own deeply held biases and Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CTSaying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist had purposefully released a big dud as a commentary on the music industry. Although at first glance, it looks as though Taylor Read more...

FINDLAY, OHExpressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay out of pocket just so his students could have access to the emergency contraception drug Plan B. If we dont have morning-after pills in Read more...

WASHINGTONCalling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from Read more...

NEW YORKEarning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated childrens TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents during their scheduled weekly sex, sources confirmed Monday. We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to Read more...

In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said. Read more...

The Transportation Department issued a new rule requiring airlines provide customers with automatic cash refunds in the event of flight cancellations or significant delays, saving passengers a projected $500 million in the next year. What do you think? Read more...

NEW GLARUS, WITsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teens at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. Honestly, Im happy knowing what these dirty blond Read more...

President Biden signed a bill into law banning TikTok nationwide unless the Chinese company that owns it, ByteDance, sells its stake in the app within a year. What do you think? Read more...

CHICAGOStanding with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late pigs daughter down the aisle at her wedding, sources confirmed Friday. Your father wrote a letter before he passed away asking that whoever Read more...

Recent reports have indicated that a number of female fans are thirsting over the Ghoul. The Onion asked women to explain why they are attracted to Walton Goggins mutant character in the new TV series Fallout, and this is what they said. Read more...

This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone elses garage so you wont have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of current residents. Read more...

WICHITA, KSComplaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadnt removed its now-rotting Santa Claus from a seasonal display in the mall. He looked nice when they first put him there, right after Thanksgiving, but now that hes all Read more...

Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from Americas Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is Read more...

Rather than specify that a government, army, or police officer killed civilians, many news outlets prefer merely to say that those civilians were killed. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of using the passive voice in journalism. Read more...

PHILADELPHIATriumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979s Rocky II. God, the part where Rockys training right-handed instead of southpawoh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits Read more...

SAN JOSE, CATouting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk Read more...

The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said. Read more...

OLATHE, KSAssuaging a clients concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a perverts erection hitting an air duct. In an old house Read more...

LINCOLN, NEWarning that crime among the nations youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa Read more...

Following the arrest of 100 Columbia University students, dozens more pro-Palestinian protests have sprung up across the country, even as the school year winds to a close. What do you think? Read more...

MIDDLETOWN, OHShocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. My Godragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmasdoes anyone else know about this? said one source, marveling over Read more...

PARADISE, NVExpressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam bands four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Spheres visuals than a projection of the groups website URL. Given what a Read more...

Researchers combing through a server based in North Korea found animation work for Amazons Invincible and Maxs Iyanu: Child of Wonder, including log files that suggest animators in China further outsourced the work to North Korea, unbeknownst to the American companies. What do you think? Read more...

VATICANTheir excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiffs appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peters Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy Read more...

Nike came under fire recently after its womens uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more needlessly revealing than the mens. The Onion asked female athletes how they felt about the outfits, and this is what they said. Read more...

Being his sexual plaything doesnt seem so bad once you realize you get to wake up to amazing views on his private island every day! Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MAConceding that the ethical dilemmas raised by holding onto such an artifact had proven too great, Harvard University announced Wednesday the demolition of Houghton Library, an edifice covered in tanned human skin. After careful consideration and consultation with experts in the field, the administration Read more...

TAOS, NMReturning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. Well, Ive certainly had enough of those, the 35-year-old said to himself, Read more...