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An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think? The post Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights appeared first on The Onion .

A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI. MYTH: AI can never be ethical. FACT: Grok says it can. MYTH: AI could discover cures for all diseases. [] The post AI: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONExplaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. While I understand peoples concern, Ive simply been on a routine visit to the next world, said the seven-term Republican, [] The post Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife appeared first on The Onion .

The post Man Who Bought Odyssey Ticket Year Ahead Correctly Assumed He Wouldnt Have Anything Going On appeared first on The Onion .

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LOS ANGELESBursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. You just couldnt hold it, could you? the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent [] The post Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During The Odyssey appeared first on The Onion .

KANSAS CITY, MOAudibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. Oh, for Christs sake, now? said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a [] The post Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap appeared first on The Onion .

DAYTON, OHJeering that the other mans chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wifes muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. Your hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but lets see how you fare when not your [] The post Wifes Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits appeared first on The Onion .

LONDONResponding to concerns about the lack of diversity in his upcoming project,The Lord Of The Rings: The Hunt For Gollumdirector Andy Serkis defended the films allAndy Serkis cast during an interview Friday. It isnt my fault that the characters in the books are all Andy Serkis, said filmmaker and actor Andy Serkis, adding that Andy [] The post Hunt For Gollum Director Andy Serkis Defends Films AllAndy Serkis Cast appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAcknowledging that the danger would be difficult to manage and impossible to eliminate altogether, theSupreme Courts female justices nevertheless appeared before Congress this week to ask for protection from fellow justice Brett Kavanaugh. We understand that our safety cannot be guaranteed, but we are in a uniquely vulnerable position and have the right to carry [] The post Female Supreme Court Justices Formally Request Protection From Brett Kavanaugh appeared first on The Onion .

GAINESVILLE, FLAlarmed and disturbed by the sudden shift in tone, living room sources confirmed Thursday that local mother Jeanine Weavers remembrance of Sam Neill had taken a lewd turn. He was a terrific actor, one of my favorites to watchand mm, mm, what a man he was, said the 62-year-old woman who got a faraway [] The post Moms Remembrance Of Sam Neill Takes Lewd Turn appeared first on The Onion .

ATLANTAClaiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nations cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. After extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora [] The post Cyclosporiasis Outbreak Linked To Ancient Evil Corrupting The 7 Sacred Diarrhea

Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause explosive diarrhea, have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: Who is most at risk? A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers whove already used all their sick days. Q: Why is it called [] The post What To Know About Cyclosporiasis appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. If youre listening, Sen. McConnell, pleaseweve had enough, said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didnt want to see the Republican lawmaker [] The post Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself appeared first on The Onion .

The post Madonna Accused Of Pandering With New Song About Trying To Find Available Spot In Fire Island Share House appeared first on The Onion .

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LOS ANGELESBunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to [] The post Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet appeared first on The Onio

PARISIn an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. Sorry, when I said Im from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario, said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never [] The post Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad appeared first on The Onion .

BROOKLYN, NYExplaining that the prominent iced coffees and chocolate-glazed Munchkins were essential to director Christopher Nolans adaptation of the ancient Greek epic, actor Matt Damon defended Tuesday the placement of Dunkin Donuts products in the upcoming film The Odyssey.Lookfor a voyage that long, youd need 50 sausage, egg, and cheese croissants, at least, said the [] The post Matt Damon Defends Dunkin Product Placement In Nolans Odyssey appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOWatching in horror as the wheezing man hacked directly into his palm before grabbing the nearest handrail, local bus passenger Derek Lawson told reporters Thursday that the guy violently coughing across the aisle from him better just have throat cancer. So help me God, if I get bronchitis right before my vacation because this guy [] The post Guy Violently Coughing On Bus Better Just Have Throat Cancer appeared first on The Onion .

The post White House Hovering, Falling 10 Feet Off Ground In Sync With Melania Snoring appeared first on The Onion .

BERKELEY, CARaising the alarm about an issue that could have long-term consequences for American youth, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, published a study Wednesday that found the majority of Generation Z telepaths lacked the attention span to read even a single mind. In prior generations, telepaths would spend whole afternoons scrutinizing another persons [] The post Study Finds Gen Z Telepaths Lack Attention Span To Read Even Single Mind appeared first on The Onion .