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WASHINGTONThrashing about in his navy blue suitas dirtywater seeped intohis mouth and nostrils, President Donald Trump reportedly drowned Wednesdayin a two-inch puddle. Sources who wished to remain anonymous told reporters they observed Trump slip on a wet stone paver as he strode en route to Marine One and fall face-first into a the shallow standing [] The post Trump Drowns In 2-Inch Puddle appeared first on The Onion .

Sci-fi thriller Sanxingdui: Future Past, the first fully AI-generated feature film to receive a theatrical release, debuted in China, though ticket sales have been abysmal. What do you think? The post First Fully AI-Generated Feature Film Released In China appeared first on The Onion .

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIARefusing to inform the press or the mans emergency contacts until they could nail down the vocabulary for the press conference, local authorities were reportedly waiting Wednesday to release the details of a hikers death until they had learned the correct collective noun for emus. Is it a band? A gaggle? We dont want [] The post Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hikers Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus appeared first on The Onion .

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LOS ANGELESDiscussing her craft in a wide-ranging interview with reporters, porcelain actress Annabelle opened up Tuesday about the struggle of being typecast as a haunted doll.Dont get me wrong, Im eternally grateful to the Conjuring universe for launching my career, but it becomes difficult to grow as an artist when youre basically playing the same [] The post Annabelle Opens Up About Struggle Of Being Typecast As Haunted Doll appeared first on The Onion .

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HIDDEN HILLS, CAMuttering Oh shit as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victorias Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. I was probably supposed to use the delicate setting, but now the lids locked, so what can I do? said Jenner, who cursed [] The post Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle appeared first on The Onion .

LANSING, MIUrging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. Unfortunately, finding a stray tabby under a car and gently tying your ballot to its tail with a ribbon almost [] The post Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time appeared first on The Onion .

SAN DIEGOThe brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at Target. Well, I guess thats decades of attempting to maintain a positive [] The post Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera appeared first on The Onion .

As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle. Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate, Michigan): Republicans find out how much juice is left in the [] The post Midterm Races To Watch In 2026 appeared first on The Onion .

Ultra-wealthy families are constructing luxury doomsday bunkers with amenities ranging from gyms and spas to meditation rooms and movie theaters, the boom coming amid the backdrop of growing geopolitical turmoil and the rise of AI. What do you think? The post Luxury Doomsday Bunkers Gain Popularity Among Ultra-Wealthy appeared first on The Onion .