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Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? The post Judge Judy Retires appeared first on The Onion .

The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion .

As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned caf with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is not acceptable here, apparently for no other reason than [] The post It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is appeared first on The Onion .

The couple finally said I do after several months of saying Why the fuck are we doing this if we cant even agree on a cake? The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion .

DHARAMSHALA, INDIATouting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno Mars.While I am proud to have served Tibetan Buddhism in my current body since 1940, I could [] The post Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars appeared first on The Onion .

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wifes car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKIn an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the companys flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that wont stop expanding once unboxed.In response to thousands of reports of our mattresses inflating catastrophically past their intended dimensions, we have removed the items from our online store [] The post Casper Recalls Mattresses That Wont Stop Expanding When Unboxed appeared first on The Onion .

CONCORD, MAAs he expressed alarm at still not having reached the titles open world, local gamer Rudy Kelleher confirmed Tuesday that the prologue of his recently purchased video game was still going.Christ, its been an hour and a half since I booted this thing up, and Im still wandering around some cave while a kings [] The post Video Game Prologue Still Going appeared first on The Onion .

The post Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESTaking a deep breath as she peeked her head out from the wings of the Peacock Theater, Primetime Emmy Awards host Mariska Hargitay reportedly calmed her nerves before the show Monday evening by picturing the entire audience brutally murdered. Okay, Mariska, you got this, just imagine them all with their throats slashed, said the [] The post Nervous Mariska Hargitay Calms Self Down By Picturing Audience Brutally Murdered appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump promised a $5,000 Trump Dividend to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think? The post Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress appeared first on The Onion .

INDIANAPOLISProfusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. I hate to do this, but fans wouldnt be able to experience The Lost Tour as intended if I performed in the state I am tonight, said [] The post Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCiting the fact that cars are fast and everyone likes them as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. Wouldnt it be fun? We think it will be fun. A car can go much [] The post NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car appeared first on The Onion .

MLB star Pete Crow-Armstrong could become the first player in Cubs history to achieve a 40-40 campaign, hitting 40 home runs and stealing 40 bases in one regular season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the breakout center fielder. EBP (Eyebrow Percentage): .297 Signature Scent: Banana Boat 70 SPF Good Luck Charm: [] The post Player Profile: Pete Crow-Armstrong appeared first on The Onion .

Thats right, were still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you dont have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward. Reference #374809 The post Plantation-Style Home appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSShaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth.Potatoes? As in the one part of My divine creation I painstakingly made in My image and imbued with all [] The post God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes appeared first on The Onion .

BALTIMOREIn a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of the testes. Images shared by the researchers revealed a vast menagerie of strange and otherworldly sperm that [] The post Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes appeared first on The Onion .