theonion

The post Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work appeared first on The Onion .

An estimated 9% of Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding eating disorders. MYTH: Most people with eating disorders are young. FACT: They just look young because of how thin and beautiful they are. MYTH: Only a doctor can diagnose an eating disorder. FACT: Its [] The post Eating Disorders: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion .

Representatives of pop star and actress Ariana Grande announced she is taking a break from public life, citing endless, ongoing public scrutiny of her health and physical appearance. What do you think? The post Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid Endless Scrutiny appeared first on The Onion .

CLARKTON, NCStressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down.Okay, everyone, lets just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together, said Kruze, who, after discharging his firearm while [] The post Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone appeared first on The Onion .

As late summer gives way to early fall, many Americans will head to the fair and seek out their favorite regional delicacies. Here are The Onions top state fair foods. Smoked Carny Leg Whole Branzino On A Stick Big Ol Gulp From The Hose Tums Egg Roll Tarred-And-Feathered Corn Dog Deep-Fried Items From The Lost [] The post The Onions Top State Fair Foods appeared first on The Onion .

Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda: The happy couple were wed in a quiet ceremony attended by 20 friends and one new virus the rest of the world will learn about soon enough. The post Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda appeared first on The Onion .

ROMEIn addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel.This second-rate charlatan doesnt know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom, said the [] The post Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONPleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively,a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are more worthwhile than the Democratic National Committee,read the email attributed to DNC [] The post New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money appeared first on The Oni

Michelle Zhang-Russo, 54, died expectedly to everyone who knows you should never order oysters from a restaurant on a Monday. The post Michelle Zhang-Russo appeared first on The Onion .

Truth Social launched a subscription service allowing Wall Street firms to gain advanced access to Trumps market-moving posts, receiving them milliseconds before the general public. What do you think? The post Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts appeared first on The Onion .

MYRTLE BEACH, SCSighing loudly as she gazed at the empty countertop in the familys rented condo, vacationing mom Jan Freehorn told reporters Friday that she missed her Alexa.This is the first time Ive left Alexa home all by herself, said the visibly distraught mother, wondering aloud what the voice-activated virtual assistant might be doing at [] The post Vacationing Mom Misses Alexa appeared first on The Onion .

Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best effortsand considerable hungerwe seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks like. As you know, Kyle, I have been a loyal [] The post We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like appeared first on The Onion .

BALTIMORECalling the studys findings revolutionary for anyone currently staring down a henchman or terrorist, a study from Johns Hopkins University published Thursday found that the explosive power of a rocket launcher increased by 35% when the person firing it shouted Suck on this. According to our trials, squinting your eyes and dramatically stating, Hey dickbreath, [] The post Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting Suck On This appeared first on The Onion .

HAMDEN, CTAdmitting that the threat of a slow-and-low simmer was at the top of their minds, a majority of American voters responding to a Quinnipiac University poll published Thursday revealed that their greatest concern going into the 2026 midterms was of a big evil chef trying to cook them into stew. Across age, income, gender, [] The post Poll: American Voters Say Greatest Concern Is Big Evil Chef Trying To Cook Them Into Stew appeared first on The Onion .

Oprah Winfrey announced that the school she founded for underprivileged girls in South Africa will close next year, ending operations after almost two decades. What do you think? The post Oprah Announces Closure Of School For Girls In Africa appeared first on The Onion .

The post Conflict of Disinterest appeared first on The Onion .

The post Shaman Named Dwayne appeared first on The Onion .

As more Americans than ever turn to Ozempic and Wegovy for weight loss, consumers are becoming increasingly conscious of such drugs trade-offs. Here are the pros and cons of taking GLP-1s. PRO Always fun injecting something More comfortable than ball gag Creates enough loose skin to take flight Average user finds over $20 in loose [] The post Is Taking A GLP-1 Worth It? appeared first on The Onion .

Park ranger Stella Leonard, 37, succumbed to her injuries Thursday after being mauled by a tourist. The post Stella Leonard appeared first on The Onion .