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The post Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESTaking a deep breath as she peeked her head out from the wings of the Peacock Theater, Primetime Emmy Awards host Mariska Hargitay reportedly calmed her nerves before the show Monday evening by picturing the entire audience brutally murdered. Okay, Mariska, you got this, just imagine them all with their throats slashed, said the [] The post Nervous Mariska Hargitay Calms Self Down By Picturing Audience Brutally Murdered appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump promised a $5,000 Trump Dividend to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think? The post Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCiting the fact that cars are fast and everyone likes them as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. Wouldnt it be fun? We think it will be fun. A car can go much [] The post NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car appeared first on The Onion .

MLB star Pete Crow-Armstrong could become the first player in Cubs history to achieve a 40-40 campaign, hitting 40 home runs and stealing 40 bases in one regular season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the breakout center fielder. EBP (Eyebrow Percentage): .297 Signature Scent: Banana Boat 70 SPF Good Luck Charm: [] The post Player Profile: Pete Crow-Armstrong appeared first on The Onion .

Thats right, were still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you dont have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward. Reference #374809 The post Plantation-Style Home appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSShaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth.Potatoes? As in the one part of My divine creation I painstakingly made in My image and imbued with all [] The post God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes appeared first on The Onion .

BALTIMOREIn a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of the testes. Images shared by the researchers revealed a vast menagerie of strange and otherworldly sperm that [] The post Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes appeared first on The Onion .

INDIANAPOLISProfusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. I hate to do this, but fans wouldnt be able to experience The Lost Tour as intended if I performed in the state I am tonight, said [] The post Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness appeared first on The Onion .

BEVERLY HILLS, CAExpressing regret over her decision to star in and produce the film Practical Magic 2, co-lead Sandra Bullock told reporters Friday that she should have just had dinner with Nicole Kidman. Honestly, when the studio came to me and asked if I wanted to do a legacy sequel, I was so excited about [] The post Sandra Bullock Regrets Practical Magic 2 After Realizing She Couldve Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman appeared first on The Onion .

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Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today's NFL gear. The post Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms appeared first on The Onion .

Australias record industry banned music made entirely using AI from officially charting, responding to a version of Madonnas Like a Prayer produced using AI-generated vocals and drums which charted for 16 weeks. What do you think? The post Australia Bans AI Music From Charts appeared first on The Onion .

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The 78th Primetime Emmy Awards will air on Monday. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this years ceremony. Q: Whos most likely to win? A: Taylor Dearden is a favorite for Outstanding Attempt To Hide Youre A Cranston. Q: What happens if someones speech goes too long? A: They have to go [] The post What To Know About The 2026 Emmys appeared first on The Onion .

GALENA, ILCalling the woman a desperate slut who hadnt put in a hard days work in her life, an anonymous source told reporters Monday that local mother Tara Grunsen had only attained a senior role in her family because she had slept her way to the top.I hate to say it, but the sole reason [] The post Woman Sleeps Her Way To Top Of Family appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKIn an effort to deepen viewer connection to the on-field product, Major League Baseball officials announced Tuesday a new fan-engagement initiative in which every ball introduced into play would be accompanied by a rich emotional backstory explaining its personal stakes, motivations, and tragic past.We believe fans will be far more invested in a 96-mph [] The post MLB Attempts To Increase Fan Engagement By Providing Ball With Emotional Backstory appeared first on The Onion .

The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks. The post Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell appeared first on The Onion .

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SAVANNAH, GAIn remembrance of the lives lost on that fateful day, sources confirmed that the roster of the Savannah Bananas took to the field prior to Fridays game to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks with a solemn performance of Macarena. With the Grayson Stadium lights dimmed and footage of a [] The post Savannah Bananas Commemorate 9/11 With Solemn Macarena Performance appeared first on The Onion .

Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans. The post Stars Share Their Favorite Fall Fashion Secrets appeared first on The Onion .

EDINBURGH, SCOTLANDTouting the gameplay element as the ultimate immersive experience, Rockstar Games announced Thursday that a new hyperrealistic Grand Theft Auto VI feature would force players to serve out prison sentences in real time. GTA VI is powered by a highly advanced gaming engine that actually sentences players to five to 10 years at a [] The post Hyperrealistic GTA VI Feature Makes Players Serve Out Prison Sentences In Real Time appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying the tragic events of 25 years ago were just the beginning in the nations blue states, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that 9/11 attacks were happening every single day in Democratic cities. You go to Seattle or Minneapolis or any of those other crime-ridden hellholes, and youre gonna see planes smashing into skyscrapers constantly, [] The post Trump Claims 9/11 Attacks Happening Every Day In Democratic Cities appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONSaying America could frankly be more grateful for the enduring image he provided,President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that he was the previously unidentified Falling Man captured midair in an iconic photograph taken on 9/11. I was on top of the North Tower during the attacks, and after I rescued a couple hundred people, I had [] The post Trump Claims He Was Falling Man appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONRevealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus had escaped from their facility. While we have locked down the premises and cleared the surrounding [] The post Beef Tallow Homunculus Escapes From HHS Building appeared first on The Onion .

Linda Westerman, 53, died Sunday but seriously looks so good you cannot even tell that shes dead. The post Linda Westerman appeared first on The Onion .