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Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are set to return to the U.K. six years after stepping back from royal duties and moving to the U.S. What do you think? The post Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Moving Back To U.K. appeared first on The Onion .

DOYLESTOWN, PAExpressing frustration over their friends increasingly disinterested behavior in recent years, participants in a local fantasy football league confirmed Tuesday that they were rapidly losing patience with the one player in their group who has other things going on in his life. I swear to God, Brian [Fischer] needs to get his act together [] The post Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life appeared first on The Onion .

The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in extraordinary circumstances. What do you think? The post DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons appeared first on The Onion .

APPLETON, WIWide-eyed and unusually still as he took in the unfamiliar sight before him, local 9-year-old Connor Walsh reportedly got a nice long look at the small of his fathers back Thursday while the 44-year-old bent down to retrieve a ping-pong ball that had rolled beneath a basement shelving unit. Several reports indicated that Walshs [] The post Boy Gets Nice Long Look At Small Of Fathers Back While He Picks Up Ping-Pong Ball appeared first on The Onion .

School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail. Determine if your bus driver needs uppers, downers, or both. If cycling to school, disguise yourself as a [] The post Tips For Getting To School Safely appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOAs she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. There could be one hiding around every corner, said Frasier, quickly peeking out from behind a support beam [] The post Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends appeared first on The Onion .

ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think? The post ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves appeared first on The Onion .

The post Dead Fantasy Football Commissioners Password Guessed Again appeared first on The Onion .

The post The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond? appeared first on The Onion .