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The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think? The post CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus appeared first on The Onion .

With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like flavor. Buy fresh, frozen, or canned jerky. Limit your krill [] The post Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake appeared first on The Onion .

CLIVE, IAIn an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in becoming Powerball winners, were asking that all entrants include a 2,000-word supplemental essay along [] The post Powerball Adds Essay Section appeared first on The Onion .

BURBANK, CAAttempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves The Batman, unless they decided it actually was. With so much confusion over the large-scale world-building were doing, we wanted to clear things [] The post DC Clarifies Clayface Not Connected To Matt Reeves Batman Unless It Actually Is appeared first on The Onion .

VATICAN CITYIn the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your support, and know that I now feel better than ever beforeso good, [] The post Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGODashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a Blackhawks game.Holy crap, they got hot dogs, loaded nachos, steak slidersthis is the kind [] The post Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESPeeking out from behind the trunk with a mischievous grin on her face, actress Sydney Sweeney announced, Now my breasts are over here! from behind an old oak tree Friday. He-he, its me, said the 29-year-old Euphoria and Anyone But You star, who giggled as she ducked behind the tree and reemerged a moment [] The post Now My Breasts Are Over Here, Announces Sydney Sweeney Peeking Out From Oak Tree appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOImmediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. I told myself I was going to reward my hard work this week by dropping some serious dough on [] The post Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price appeared first on The Onion .

Beyond its laws and leaders, what has allowed the United States to prosper for so long is the unique physiology of its most ardent citizens. Here is a complete diagram of a patriot's brain. The post Diagram Of A Patriots Brain appeared first on The Onion .

SALT LAKE CITYEmphasizing that the ban on electronic recording devices was a rule, not a suggestion, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers reportedly sent a warning to fans at the Delta Center on Wednesday by executing a phone on stage. Well, well, well, what do we have here? said Bridgers, holding up the contraband Samsung Galaxy S she [] The post Phoebe Bridgers Sends Warning To Fans By Executing Phone On Stage appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at ones wife as the official language of the United States. With the overwhelming majority of Americans fluent in waving an empty beer can at [] The post Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

The post Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons Career appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKFrantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. You never know when youre going to have sudden company come breaking down your door, and I dont want anyone to think I [] The post AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESNoting that ones own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. My best writing usually comes from a personal place, and Whalefall is no different, said Kraus, who quoted the adage Write what you [] The post Whalefall Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver appeared first on The Onion .

HILL OF TARA, IRELANDVisibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fogrith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather.Oh man, theres nothing better than when you feel that first nip in the air and get to [] The post Druid Loving This Cloak Weather appeared first on The Onion .

The post LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute appeared first on The Onion .