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DALLASTrembling with horror as an uncontrollable desire to amuse strangers seized control of his body, Wake Forest University sophomore Bennett Walker reportedly realized Saturday that the Demon Deacon mascot costume he was wearing had begun taking over. Oh, God, noplease, no, not again! I can feel myself becoming jauntier, naughtier, more full of antics, said [] The post Student Inside Wake Forest Mascot Feels Costume Taking Over appeared first on The Onion .

Throughout American history, nations of the world have engaged in espionage in an attempt to gain strategic leverage over the United States. The Onion takes a look back at key instances of foreign spies operating within U.S. borders. 1775 British guy hides in a tree. 1812 The cover of 40 redcoat spies is blown when [] The post Timeline Of Foreign Spies In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

In a development that has plunged the linchpin of the AI economy into turmoil, Nvidia co-founder and CEO Jensen Huang resigned following affairs with both a suspected Chinese spy and a subordinate executive who reported to him. What do you think? The post Nvidia CEO Resigns After Affair With Suspected Spy appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONDeclaring that the time had come for the nations mightiest warriors to at last achieve a decisive victory in the Persian Gulf,President Donald Trump called upon the American Gladiators on Thursday to finish the Iran War. I am hereby requesting that our most muscular fighting men and women grab their double-padded jousting sticks, head to [] The post Trump Calls On American Gladiators To Finish Iran War appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying he was grasping at straws in his efforts to avoid spending any more one-on-one time with the American vice president, Chinese spy Simon Li told reporters Monday he was running out of excuses not to hang out with JD Vance.I dont know when JD is going to take the hint that I have no [] The post Chinese Spy Running Out Of Excuses Not To Hang Out With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion .

ORLANDO, FLNoting that there was just something about him and that he possessed the kind of innate physical tools that could not be taught, basketball scouts confirmed Friday that they saw tremendous potential in 7-foot-5 toddler Miles Covington.I know talent, and this kid has that it factorgreat length, a huge wingspan, wears size 17 Stride [] The post Basketball Scouts See Potential In 7-Foot-5 Toddler appeared first on The Onion .

Google announced that schools which block AI use entirely would have their access to web search restricted, a move meant to curb growing calls to ban artificial intelligence in K-12 education. What do you think? The post Google Withholds Search For Schools That Ban AI appeared first on The Onion .

As America has changed over the centuries, so too has one of its most majestic symbols. Here is how the U.S. flag has evolved. The post Evolution Of The U.S. Flag appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSNoting that the change would take effect immediately for all 8.2 billion of His earthly creations, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that cutting hair would hurt now.Going forward, cutting any hair on your body, from your head to your pubic region, will result in excruciating agony unlike anything youve ever experienced, said [] The post God Announces Cutting Hair Will Hurt Now appeared first on The Onion .

Elon Musk announced that Tesla will cease production of the Cybertruck in 2027, diverting resources to increase manufacturing of the companys self-driving taxi, the Cybercab. What do you think? The post Cybertruck Discontinued appeared first on The Onion .

Support for unions in the United States is the highest its been in decades, prompted by the rise of AI and income inequality. The Onion examines the pros and cons of labor unions. PRO Theyre the only reason youre not handcuffed to a mine cart right now. Theyre the best way to get over a [] The post Pros And Cons Of Unions appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ALTOS HILLS, CARanting at length as he shared details about his stressful work life, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly vented to his new Russian girlfriend Tuesday about the ongoing corporate investigation into his conduct at the company. Im telling you, Svetlana, you have no idea the insane amount of pressure Im under, Huang said [] The post Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend appeared first on The Onion .

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SEATTLEWith its announcement of a new technology that company executives touted as the future of online shopping, retail giant Amazon confirmed Thursday that it would launch a new fleet of drones that continuously hover above potential customers until they order something.This fully electric, autonomous drone can locate and follow any consumers within range until they [] The post New Amazon Drone Hovers Above Customer Until They Order Something appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAccording to administration sources, President Donald Trump gathered his Cabinet in the White House Situation Room on Friday to watch pornography, staring at a large-screen TV with laser focus while his advisors sat around him in hushed silence.Operation horny MILF teacher bangs hot male student is a go, said Trump, who leaned forward with tented [] The post Trump Gathers Cabinet In Situation Room To Watch Porn appeared first on The Onion .

MEMPHIS, TNWith a massive crowd gathering at the facility to witness a milestone event in the history of the species, Graceland celebrated this week as it welcomed the first-ever Elvis born in captivity.After many years where we didnt know if we would ever have another king, our visitors are thrilled to see this newborn Elvis [] The post Graceland Celebrates First Elvis Born In Captivity appeared first on The Onion .