theonion

NEW YORKCondemning the semiaquatic seabirds heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds, [] The post Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins appeared first on The Onion .

ITHACA, NYIn an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastilyannounced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and in the 90 minutes of its existence, the [] The post Cornell Tries Going By Different Name appeared first on The Onion .

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This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games: The suit over Apples App Store fees will be the first Supreme Court hearing hosted [] The post Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term appeared first on The Onion .

SEATTLEIn an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. Stop by any Starbucks between 8 and 9 a.m. to enjoy your free cake pop without having to worry youll [] The post Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward appeared first on The Onion .

HOULTON, MESaying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. Im really annoyed that were having this conversation again when Ive already told him Im not interested, but I suppose [] The post Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts appeared first on The Onion .

Ive never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I wasthey couldnt get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to reevaluate old grudges, and while this might ding my [] The post All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over appeared first on The Onion .