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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJAfter divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked way more fun.Damn, those guys brought a portable generator just to power the [] The post Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun appeared first on The Onion .

A new survey found that one third of Americans who have health coverage still have medical debt that they are paying off over time. What do you think? The post Survey Finds 1 In 3 Americans With Health Insurance Have Medical Debt appeared first on The Onion .

Former President Barack Obama announced that his familys Portuguese water dog Sunny, which they got in 2013 during their time in the White House, has passed away. What do you think? The post Obama Family Dog Passes Away appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONInsisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure to continuously reduce the number of Americans being intentionally shot, choked, or stabbed to death, which has led [] The post FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023 appeared first on The Onion .

Here are the steps the NFL follows to evaluate head injuries. Step 1: Player receives devastating helmet-to-helmet hit that leaves him motionless for 46 seconds Step 2: Spotter initiates protocol after noticing entire offense kneeling in prayer beside teammate Step 3: Referee blows ceremonial gjallarhorn to signal commencement of concussion protocol Step 4: Player is [] The post The NFL Concussion Protocol: How The League Determines If A Player Can Return To The Game appeared first on The Onion

The post Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde appeared first on The Onion .

PHILADELPHIAShambling barefoot into a press conference to promote his next show, English artist Ed Sheeran introduced reporters Thursday to the sock puppets he had booked to open for him on his stadium tour. This is, uh, Jimmy and his songwriting partner, Freddie, said the 35-year-old musician, who confirmed the white cotton duo would take the [] The post Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour appeared first on The Onion .

More than 8,000 people in Michigan received IDs with a photo of a random smiling man printed on them, with officials stressing the photo is a generic non-resident. What do you think? The post Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Mans Face appeared first on The Onion .

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FLIn a dramatic reversal of decades of established organizational practice, the PGA Tour announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, golf would be loud.After careful consideration, the board of directors and I agree that, going forward, the game of golf will be really, really loud instead of quiet like it used to be, said [] The post PGA Announces Golf Will Be Loud Now appeared first on The Onion .

LAS VEGASSeemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet.I sat there and actually watched that spineless piece of shit miss on his corner bet, gather [] The post Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet appeared first on The Onion .

GREENSBORO, NCBursting through the front door before the piled-high dump truck even came to a complete stop, local dad Glenn Stevenson reportedly raced outside Tuesday to witness the delivery of his neighbors mulch.Well, well, wellunless my eyes deceive, Id say weve got ourselves 800, 900 pounds of cherry brown, said Stevenson, hands on his hips [] The post Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbors Mulch appeared first on The Onion .

A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed. The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion .