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PHILADELPHIASuggesting that the nation was increasingly prioritizing speed and efficiency in speaking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that more Americans are abandoning lengthy conversations in favor of one really big word. Our extensive surveys across race, age, and gender demographics reveal that most Americans would rather just say [] The post Report: More Americans Abandoning Lengthy Conversations In Favor Of One Really Big Word appeared firs

LOS ANGELESEmpowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new PR Relationship Mode. Whether youre looking for a 23-year-old model to serve as your latest beard or a fellow Hollywood A-lister to help you promote your new blockbuster, Rayas PR Relationship [] The post Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode appeared first on The Onion .

New evidence suggests Amazon is buying up rare books and tearing their pages from their spines in order to feed its AI models with unique information. What do you think? The post Amazon Destroying Rare Books To Train AI appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOGrowing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquids implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. Oh Jesus, it just looks like waterIve never seen it like that before, said Lewis, who became increasingly unsettled [] The post Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life appeared first on The Onion .

MENLO PARK, CAProviding an internal update on his latest breakthrough in the smart technology sector, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly invited employees to behold the companys new AI Monday as he lifted his top to display his tinfoil-covered nipples.Here, beneath my humble shirt, lies the future of hyperintelligent AI integration, said the billionaire tech CEO, [] The post Behold, Metas New AI, Says Mark Zuckerberg Covering Nipples In Tinfoil appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSwarming the nations airports as they rushed to board any available transatlantic flight,the U.S. populace decided Monday that if Harry and Meghan were going to the U.K., the rest of America was going with em. Sure, itll be a big adjustment, but then again, whats the point of staying in this country if you cant [] The post BREAKING: If Harry, Meghan Going To U.K., Then Heck, Rest Of America Going With Em! appeared first on The Onion .

Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the popular beverage. MYTH: Excessive consumption can lead to depression and even suicidal thoughts. FACT: You cant aim a gun if your hand is [] The post Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSNoting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called troubling Q3 circumcision numbers. Sure, with the declining birth rate, we expect there to be some slight shrinkage in our [] The post God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

SAN MATEO, CANoting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done their summer dissecting.All right, you had three months to start on your fetal pig, but it [] The post Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing Wild Wild West Theme Song appeared first on The Onion .

TOPEKA, KSIn a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday evening by proclaiming that he believes in werewolves. You can find werewolves in pretty much every country on Earth, and the scary thing is they look just like you and me, [] The post Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves appeared first on The Onion .

Newly declassified documents show former Rep. Eric Swalwell admitted to the FBI that he had physical relations with a suspected Chinese spy on a handful of occasions. What do you think? The post Former Rep. Eric Swalwell Admits To Physical Relations With Chinese Spy appeared first on The Onion .

The post Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning appeared first on The Onion .

The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion .