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LOS ANGELESStating that it was about time they got serious about their future as a couple, actress Sydney Sweeney reportedly told record executive Scooter Braun Friday that she was open to converting to the B-list for him. I really want this relationship to work, and if that means skipping the Met Gala for a party [] The post Sydney Sweeney Tells Scooter Braun She Open To Converting To B-List For Him appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling off the event that some had labeled controversial, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was canceling the planned livestream execution of Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-GA). I still believe it would have been a strong deterrent for the world to witness how America deals with Democrats, said Trump, who stated that the incumbent U.S. [] The post Trump Cancels Planned Livestream Of Jon Ossoffs Execution appeared first on The Onion .

NIKUMARORO, KIRIBATIClaiming to have finally solved the longstanding mystery surrounding the missing aviators ultimate fate, a team of Purdue University researchers announced Friday they had found new evidence suggesting Amelia Earhart was accepted into crab society and lived the rest of her life among crustaceans. Our investigation of a remote atoll in the area where [] The post New Evidence Suggests Amelia Earhart Was Accepted Into Crab Society appeared first on The Onion .

LONDONThanking HBO for the opportunity to provoke all over again, Girls creator Lena Dunham announced Friday that the series was coming back for five more controversies. So much has changed in the world since the show ended nine years ago, and Im excited to see what negative press we can drum up this decade, said [] The post Lena Dunham Announces Girls Coming Back For 5 More Controversies appeared first on The Onion .

ST. LOUISDrawing skeptical gazes from onlookers for their peculiar approach to resolving conflicts, a weird family at a local bistro reportedly settled a series of disputes calmly and respectfully Friday. Its crazythey spoke one at a time, listened to what everyone else was saying, apologized for any harm done, and then decided to move forward [] The post Weird Family Settles Disputes Calmly, Respectfully appeared first on The Onion .

COLUMBUS, OHAs they ran freely between tables and emitted a powerful odor of sweat, grass, and damp polyester, a youth soccer team was stinking up an entire Red Robin following a morning tournament, restaurant patrons confirmed Saturday.Theyre climbing over the backs of the seats, throwing fries at each other, being loudevery time one of them [] The post Sweaty Youth Soccer Team Stinking Up Entire Red Robin appeared first on The Onion .

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BROOKFIELD, WITracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in an unknowing neighbors backyard. As they approach the end of life, more people are eschewing burial and [] The post Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbors Backyard appeared first on The Onion .

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ARLINGTON, VASaying it was disappointing to enter the smoothie shop and not be greeted by streamers or decorations, local man Ryan Hunter confirmed Tuesday that workers at Sweetgrass Juicery were not as excited for his birthday as the marketing email had suggested they were. Yesterday I got this email that was like, Congratulations on your [] The post Smoothie Shop Workers Not As Excited For Mans Birthday As Marketing Email Made It Seem appeared first on The Onion .

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Interactions between the president and the free press have been central to the United States since the nations founding. The Onion takes a look back at key moments that have shaped the executive branchs relationship with the Fourth Estate. 1803 Local busybody Arthur Swipple wanders into the White House and asks Thomas Jefferson what hes [] The post Timeline Of PresidentPress Relations appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCondemning the semiaquatic seabirds heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds, [] The post Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins appeared first on The Onion .

BISMARCK, NDAdmitting that it had let the other 49 states do pretty much all of the heavy lifting, North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nations greatness.Look, we acknowledge that we dont exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that [] The post North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nations Greatness appeared first on The Onion .

In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute? A: An on-the-nose alibi. Q: Should I be worried? A: You might want [] The post What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak appeared first on The Onion .