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Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) commuted the sentences of all 548 people currently on Californias death row, claiming state-sactioned killing is incompatible with our shared values. What do you think? The post Gavin Newsom Commutes All California Death Sentences appeared first on The Onion .

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NEW YORKResponding to the question of what she believed was the biggest misconception the public had about her, pop star Tate McRae revealed to reporters Friday that if she ever stopped dancing she would die. Many people think dancing is my passionit is not, said the Housewife and Sports Car singer, who emphasized that when [] The post Tate McRae Reveals If She Stops Dancing She Dies appeared first on The Onion .

COOKEVILLE, TNWith the argument before him appearing completely airtight, local man Ron Bingham told reporters Tuesday that a glistening, ice-cold beer was making a compelling case for him to lose custody of his kid.I was convinced Id do anything to keep parental rights to my precious baby girl, but I gotta say, that impossibly frosty [] The post Glistening, Ice-Cold Beer Makes Compelling Case For Losing Custody appeared first on The Onion .

The U.S. military-industrial complex is the largest in the world, supplying arms to countries across the globe. The Onion takes a look at the history of U.S. arms sales. 1790 A farmer in Rhode Island becomes the first American to sell a musket to a cow. 1831 Jebediah Lockheed meets Silas Martin. 1942 Typewriter manufacturers [] The post Timeline Of U.S. Arms Sales appeared first on The Onion .

RALEIGH, NCRacked with shame as it contemplated the fact that it remained unscathed nearly a week after Halloween,a local pumpkin confirmed Friday that it was struggling with survivors guilt. Of all the pumpkins that were murdered and mutilated, why was I the only one spared? said the pumpkin, lamenting the cruel randomness that had left [] The post Uncarved Pumpkin Struggling With Survivors Guilt appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONExplaining they had no deep-seated desire to discover the Dr. Seuss character, a new generation of moviegoers told reporters Friday that, actually, they were fine not having their own Cat In The Hat film. No thanks, were all good, said new generation spokesperson Isaiah Ashworth, representing a contingent of millions of consumers born too recently [] The post New Generation Clarifies Theyre Fine Not Having Own Cat In The Hat appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONHailing the patriotically modified bird of prey as a must-have for any supporter of the president, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday it would soon issue a Donald Trump commemorative eagle.Whether youre a raptor collector or just looking for a unique way to pay tribute to your favorite commander-in-chief, this adult bald eagle [] The post Interior Department Approves Plan For Trump Commemorative Eagle appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDespite overwhelming initial resistance to the concept, a Pew Research Center poll released Wednesday found that most conservatives supported white genocide when presented with its actual policies.While the words white genocide were universally received with fear and hostility, more than 90% of the right-leaning individuals we surveyed completely changed their minds upon learning that white [] The post Poll: Most Conservatives Support White Genocide When Shown Actual Policies appeared

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The couple were wed in a small private ceremony attended by their loved ones and the vacationing Dutch family they had drunkenly invited the previous night. The post Natalie Olivera and Sara Berry appeared first on The Onion .

The bride and groom let all their friends know they have ice sculpture money Saturday. The post Stephanie Poulin and Liam Shea appeared first on The Onion .

Surprise, surprise, the heavyset bearded groom is doing a black silicone wedding band. The post Katherine McKnight and Mark Clegg appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump announced the U.S. would terminate $4 billion in aid to Israel at the end of the year, claiming they dont need it. What do you think? The post Trump To Cut Off Aid To Israel appeared first on The Onion .

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NEW YORKVoicing concern that he had misallocated much of the $200 million A24 had provided, director Alex Garland made remarks Thursday in which he expressed regret for having blown most of the budget for his Elden Ring movie adaptation on DEX. Of course, its good to have some points in Dexterity given the bows and [] The post Alex Garland Regrets Blowing Most Of Elden Ring Budget On DEX appeared first on The Onion .

The media reported it as a mass suicide, but you can choose to see the glass half full. The post Cult Ascended To Heaven Here appeared first on The Onion .

The National Book Awards will take place Nov. 18, with novelists Edwidge Danticat and Hannah Lillith Assadi among the finalists for fiction. The Onion shares tips for writing your own novel. Save time by writing all of the es first. Visualize your characters by designing them in Madden NFL 06s Create-A-Player feature. Consider what is [] The post Tips For Writing A Novel appeared first on The Onion .

You can refresh Zillow all you want, but this 2-bedroom mess in a run-down neighborhood is all you can afford, and no amount of wishing or daydreaming is going to change that. The post As Good As It Gets appeared first on The Onion .

This newly restored 5-bedroom Victorian home combines timeless charm with modern comforts save for one locked room under the stairs that the dog will bark at repeatedly in abject terror. The post Room That Scares The Dog appeared first on The Onion .

DHARAMSHALA, INDIAIn a move that adds diverse value to the global investment firms holdings, Bain Capital announced Thursday the acquisition of Tibetan Buddhism, financing a $35 million deal for a controlling stake in the religion. Bain corporate officers said they believe Tibetan Buddhism has the fundamentals to be a leader in the dharmic space, but [] The post Bain Capital Acquires Tibetan Buddhism For $35 Million appeared first on The Onion .

PROVIDENCE, RIIn breakthrough research that upends prevailing notions of human cognitive capacity, a new study published Wednesday by scientists at Brown University found that the brain is capable of storing up to 40 things.Weve always known the human brain is a remarkable repository of information, but until now, we thought that meant five or six [] The post Study Finds Human Brain Capable Of Storing Up To 40 Things appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONExhibiting a growing sense of panic as screens lit up with rumors and speculation about potential candidates, the nation reportedly watched helplessly Wednesday as the 2028 election cycle began. Oh God, no, its not even 2027 yetwhat do you mean people are talking about 2028? said Doug Edmunds, echoing the sentiments of millions of pale, [] The post Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONTheir raucous cheers plunging to near pin-drop silence in a manner of seconds,presumptive Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) delivered a victory speech Tuesday night to a previously enthusiastic crowd. Sources told reporters that elated Democrats had been clapping, shouting, and even dancing for almost an hour straight, and their energy drained from the room [] The post Chuck Schumer Delivers Victory Speech To Previously Enthusiastic Crowd appeared first on The Onion .

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LE MARS, IAAs she spoke of how excited she was to take a break from her White House duties and spend some time getting back to her Midwestern roots, first lady Melania Trump dropped her accent Friday while visiting her parents in her Iowa hometown, sources confirmed. Trump, who currently resides in Washington, D.C., appeared [] The post Melania Trump Drops Accent While Visiting Parents In Iowa Hometown appeared first on The Onion .

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BOSTONPraising the artificial intelligence tool for its increasingly important role in shaping his coaching decisions, Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla revealed Tuesday that he had been using Claude to investigate why Jordan Walshs hair was like that. Hello, Claude. Please generate an explanation of the hair of the player on my team named Jordan [] The post Joe Mazzulla Uses Claude To Learn Why Jordan Walshs Hair Like That appeared first on The Onion .

The Loyola High class of 2003 got it right when they voted Julie Marks, 41, most likely to die by ciguatera fish poisoning. The post Julie Marks appeared first on The Onion .

Jasper Collins, 59, died suddenly Tuesday, completely ruining his business partners plans to make him the fall guy. The post Jasper Collins appeared first on The Onion .

Jimmy Chiarella, 72, died Wednesday after being the last one to say not it. The post Jimmy Chiarella appeared first on The Onion .

Gina Billings, 64, died of unknown causes, but since her head is still attached to her body, beheading can almost certainly be ruled out. The post Gina Billings appeared first on The Onion .

St. Augustine of Hippo succumbed to colorectal cancer at his hospice in heaven at the tragically short afterlife age of 1596. The post St. Augustine of Hippo appeared first on The Onion .

The post Steve Kornacki Crushes Millions Of Tiny Voters While Sliding Hand Across Electoral Map appeared first on The Onion .

DETROITSaying time was rapidly running out for candidates in her party to do the right thing,Rep. Haley Stevens (D-MI) threatened Monday to endorse a Republican every hour until her demands were met. Its almost 1 p.m., which means my fellow Democrats have just a few more minutes to throw their full, unequivocal support behind Israelticktock, [] The post Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met appeared first on The Onion .

With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting. $140,000 Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it rains inside, then the wet basketball is slam dunked by Nikola Joki 2 New sports [] The post Sports Betting By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

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The Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series title over the Tampa Bay Rays in five games, marking the first championship in the franchises 57-year history. What do you think? The post Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series appeared first on The Onion .

Even after 250 years of government of the people, by the people, and for the people, democracy remains a hotly contested topic worldwide. The Onion examines the pros and cons of self-governance. PRO Still has alluringly exotic hint of Greece to it Just 30 minutes of voting burns 600 calories Any form of government that [] The post Pros And Cons Of Democracy appeared first on The Onion .

On this, the momentous anniversary of our nations founding, I wish to devote a few words to the pivotal juncture at which our great republic now stands. Decisions made today will determine what kind of country your children inherit tomorrow. We must be willing to pay any price, bear any burden, and meet any hardship [] The post Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn a move he claimed was essential to maintaining domestic security, President Donald Trump formally designated poll watchers as the seventh branch of the U.S. military this week.I am hereby authorizing the formation of Americas newest and deadliest military branch: the U.S. Poll Watchers, Trump said at a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, [] The post Trump Designates Poll Watchers As 7th U.S. Military Branch appeared first on The Onion .

HAMDEN, CTSuggesting the act raises serious questions among voters about a politicians respect for the average citizens privacy, a poll out Monday from Quinnipiac University found that Americans are more likely to vote for candidates who havent barged in on them in a bathroom stall. Across age, race, gender, and ideological divisions, U.S. residents overwhelmingly [] The post Poll: Americans Likelier To Vote For Candidate Who Hasnt Barged In On Them In Bathroom Stall appeared first on The Onion

WASHINGTONRevealing that the practice has surpassed quietly spinning the open cylinder of a revolver, a new poll published Monday found that more Americans were putting out cigarettes on their arm to reclaim a sense of control. Our most recent survey indicates that almost one-third of U.S. residents are now taking a long drag on a [] The post Poll Finds More Americans Putting Out Cigarettes On Arm To Reclaim Sense Of Control appeared first on The Onion .