theonion

Former President Barack Obama announced that his familys Portuguese water dog Sunny, which they got in 2013 during their time in the White House, has passed away. What do you think? The post Obama Family Dog Passes Away appeared first on The Onion .

The post Pitcher Clearly Ate Rosin Bag appeared first on The Onion .

A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think? The post Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.s Wedding After Party appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESCalling the effort the purest distillation to date of where she is as a dungeon master, pop star Olivia Rodrigo released her long-awaited tabletop roleplaying game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville on Friday. The multiplatinum artist, who appeared on an episode of The Eldritch Lorecast this week, spoke of how the years she [] The post Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville appeared first on The Onion .

HUNTSVILLE, ALClaiming he had looked into the issue per the tenants request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his properties.Look, I empathize with both perspectives on this matter, but at the [] The post Landlord Takes Hornets Side appeared first on The Onion .

After a misprint on the invitations, Flores and Acosta had a strict only-kids wedding. The post Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta appeared first on The Onion .

Pet lovers and health experts are divided over whether dogs should co-sleep with their owners. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting dogs sleep in the bed. PRO Theyll bark to let you know if anyone else is getting into bed Get more use out of matching pajamas Kind of fucked up not [] The post Pros And Cons Of Letting Dogs Sleep In The Bed appeared first on The Onion .

NEW ORLEANSWondering aloud if there had been some kind of miscommunication on the part of the league, New Orleans Pelicans players told reporters Friday they couldnt help but notice they hadnt been included on the 2026-27 NBA schedule. I checked the schedule on NBA.com twice, and I dont see Pelicans or New Orleans anywhere, so [] The post New Orleans Pelicans Cant Help But Notice Theyre Not On NBA Schedule This Year appeared first on The Onion .

PHILADELPHIAShambling barefoot into a press conference to promote his next show, English artist Ed Sheeran introduced reporters Thursday to the sock puppets he had booked to open for him on his stadium tour. This is, uh, Jimmy and his songwriting partner, Freddie, said the 35-year-old musician, who confirmed the white cotton duo would take the [] The post Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour appeared first on The Onion .

LAS VEGASSeemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet.I sat there and actually watched that spineless piece of shit miss on his corner bet, gather [] The post Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet appeared first on The Onion .

A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed. The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion .

GREENSBORO, NCBursting through the front door before the piled-high dump truck even came to a complete stop, local dad Glenn Stevenson reportedly raced outside Tuesday to witness the delivery of his neighbors mulch.Well, well, wellunless my eyes deceive, Id say weve got ourselves 800, 900 pounds of cherry brown, said Stevenson, hands on his hips [] The post Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbors Mulch appeared first on The Onion .

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FLIn a dramatic reversal of decades of established organizational practice, the PGA Tour announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, golf would be loud.After careful consideration, the board of directors and I agree that, going forward, the game of golf will be really, really loud instead of quiet like it used to be, said [] The post PGA Announces Golf Will Be Loud Now appeared first on The Onion .

More than 8,000 people in Michigan received IDs with a photo of a random smiling man printed on them, with officials stressing the photo is a generic non-resident. What do you think? The post Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Mans Face appeared first on The Onion .

Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? The post Judge Judy Retires appeared first on The Onion .

The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion .

As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned caf with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is not acceptable here, apparently for no other reason than [] The post It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is appeared first on The Onion .

DHARAMSHALA, INDIATouting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno Mars.While I am proud to have served Tibetan Buddhism in my current body since 1940, I could [] The post Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars appeared first on The Onion .

RICHMOND, VAFeeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. I do hope youve been enjoying those steaks and that theyve been prepared to your satisfactionbut now comes the delightful [] The post Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals Theyve Been Eating USDA Beef appeared first on The Onion .

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wifes car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion .

The post Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump promised a $5,000 Trump Dividend to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think? The post Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress appeared first on The Onion .