theonion

Federal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges that include bribery in sports, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, wire fraud, and aiding and abetting. What do you think? The post 26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONPanting excitedly as he trotted from room to room displaying his prized possession, a giddy President Donald Trump was reportedly seen Friday strutting all around the White House with a Nobel Peace Prize in his mouth. Aw, you can tell the president really loves that thinghe even hides it under his bed at night with [] The post Giddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In Mouth appeared first on The Onion .

So-called pink cocaine, a hazardous polydrug that can contain ketamine, ecstasy, meth, and sometimes fentanyl, is increasingly being found in U.S. nightclubs among users unaware of its dangerous contents. What do you think? The post Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOIn a jarring departure from his usual brash, confrontational on-court behavior, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green reportedly returned from halftime of Thursday nights game against the Knicks eerily calm, sporting a large scar on his forehead. Angry noise gone from Draymond headDraymond good boy now, said Green, who sat on the bench petting [] The post Eerily Calm Draymond Green Returns From Halftime With Large Scar On Forehead appeared first on The Onion .

The bride and groom tied the knot this year, 2025, but you wouldnt know it considering she walked down the aisle to a fucking Lumineers song. The post Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang appeared first on The Onion .

MONROE, MICiting its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips.Theres no better way to relax than with our luxurious recliners and a steady stream of opioids flowing right into your [] The post La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine Drip appeared first on The Onion .

The post Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As The Jennifer Hudson Show Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max Velocity appeared first on The Onion .

Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest, Im a single mom with a 2-year-old son, and the people in the apartment above us play loud music that wakes him from his naps. They turn it down when I ask, but the volume always goes back up a few minutes later. The [] The post Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest appeared first on The Onion .

Medical drama The Pitt, which won five Emmys and two Golden Globes in its first season, is back for season two. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Do I need to watch season one first? A: No, you can get the gist of it by shooting yourself in the [] The post What To Know About Season 2 Of The Pitt appeared first on The Onion .

Scott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert has died at 68, having drawn criticism after veering into far right politics. What do you think? The post Dilbert Creator Dies appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKLauding the commander-in-chiefs response to being heckled at a Ford plant as a stunning physical feat, pundits from multiple media outlets praised President Donald Trump on Thursday for summoning the strength and dexterity necessary to successfully lift his middle finger. The obscene gesture Trump made in Michigan was brimming with youthful vitality, not to [] The post Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle Finger appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Postpublished an editorial Thursday defending the FBIs recent raid on its reporter. As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. governments decision to investigate our colleague Hannah Natanson, search her home, and seize several of her [] The post Washington Post Publishes Editorial Defending FBI Raid On Its Reporter appeared first on The Onion .

STARBASE, TXClaiming that his relationship with the nations adults hadbeen irreparably damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community,Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. Iwill be filing for full custody today, given that every American parent supports the transition of infants, Musk wrote [] The post Elon Musk Files For Full Custody Of All U.S. Children appeared first on The Onion .

Gregory Bovino is commander at large of the U.S. Border Patrols mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovinos background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto: Shoot first, dodge questions later. Nostrils: Tactical grade Greatest Fear: HD video Hairstyle: Never a good sign High School Superlative: Least Hidden [] The post Political Profile: Gregory Bovino appeared first on The Onion .

A new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do you think? The post Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By Eavesdropping appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling her actions indefensible, Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Rene Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. The fact of the matter is that Rene Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts, said Vance, whose response to the death of the 37-year-old Minneapolis mother was reiterated across social media [] The post Conservatives Say Rene Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor appeared first on The Onion .

Cindy Patton, 66, died Wednesday when a nugget of granola punctured her cyanide tooth. The post Cindy Patton appeared first on The Onion .

With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trumps military spending by the numbers. The post Trumps Military Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CAIn an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers.Owning a guitar is a huge responsibility, and the last thing we want is for these instruments to fall into the wrong [] The post Guitar Center Institutes 72-Hour Waiting Period appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday. Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of Sorrow, [] The post Melania Trump Casts Longtime Aide Into Well Of Gloom appeared first on The Onion .

Reality television personality Spencer Pratt announced a longshot bid for Los Angeles mayor, with The Hills star vowing to expose the system. What do you think? The post Spencer Pratt Announces Run For L.A. Mayor appeared first on The Onion .

It wasnt at a plantation, okay? It was just a big Southern house. The post Amy Warburton and Zachary Kemp appeared first on The Onion .

This otherwise unremarkable home is serviced by a real 10-out-of-10 panty-melting stud of a postal worker. Reference #45823 The post Really Hot Mailman appeared first on The Onion .

The post Powerful Bidet Blasts Hole Clean Through Man appeared first on The Onion .

PITTSBURGHAcknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam. Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dreamwhy does this keep happening? said Hayward, [] The post Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again appeared first on The Onion .

AMAGANSETT, NYSaying he couldnt wait for Bravos audience to meet the dynamic cast of his latest production, a shaking, wild-eyed Andy Cohen took to Instagram Live Monday to announce he had just greenlit The Real Housewives Of My Attic.Based on the scuttling and scampering noises I hear coming from up there 24 hours a day, [] The post Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces The Real Housewives Of My Attic appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSPraising the man-made food item as on par with the real thing, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created.Credit where credit is duebetween the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely dont hate this, said the Infallible Architect [] The post God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good appeared first on The Onion .

The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAdopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this years midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official ICE kills everyone agenda for 2026. In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure [] The post GOP Adds ICE Kills Everyone Pillar To 2026 Platform appeared first on The Onion .

Due to a hospital room mix-up, Keith Belden, 71, died peacefully surrounded by friends and family of Maurice Simpkins, 81. The post Keith Belden appeared first on The Onion .

The post RFK Jr. Coughs Up Pair Of Jeans appeared first on The Onion .

MILWAUKEEAfter instructing his 5-year-old son to imagine a bunch of birthday candles at the other end of the tube, local dad Rick Cerney, 41, reportedly rewarded the childs blow into his car Breathalyzer Monday with a dicey trip to an ice cream shop.Great job, buddyjust like a balloon, right? Cerney said as he used his [] The post Childs Blow Into Car Breathalyzer Rewarded With Dicey Trip To Ice Cream Shop appeared first on The Onion .

SEATTLEIn an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods theyre looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an areas racial homogeneity.Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on [] The post Zillow Adds Segregation Score appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAsserting that the images were 100% authentic, the Justice Department released Monday what appeared to be deepfake nudes of Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell. TheAmerican people deserve to know that the central bank is led by a total slut, Attorney General Pam Bondi said of the photo, promising that more sexually explicit images of Powell [] The post DOJ Releases Jerome Powell Deepfake Nudes appeared first on The Onion .

BASTROP, TXIn a trend that raises serious questions about consent on the social media platform, rising numbers of X users have been asking the Grok chatbot to put more clothes on pictures of Elon Musk, sources confirmed Monday. We live in an age when all a user needs to do to generate a fully clothed [] The post X Users Ask Grok To Put More Clothes On Elon Musk Pictures appeared first on The Onion .

The post Kristi Noem On Rene Good Murder: We Will Find The Immigrant Who Did This appeared first on The Onion .

Hockey romance Heated Rivalry has been renewed for Season 2. The Onion sat down with breakout stars Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams to discuss the hit series. The Onion: How did you prepare for your roles? Storrie: I worked with a kissing coach eight hours a day for weeks to make it look believable. Williams: [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With The Stars Of Heated Rivalry appeared first on The Onion .

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, one of the nations oldest newspapers with roots dating back to 1786, will cease all operations after years of financial losses and labor disputes, with the closure leaving a major local news void. What do you think? The post One Of Nations Oldest Newspapers Shutters After Almost 240 Years appeared first on The Onion .

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This charming property offers the perfect blend of comfort and convenience, which is exactly why its going to be purchased by the worlds largest asset manager. Good luck! Maybe theyll rent it to you. Reference #68370 The post Youre Bidding Against Blackstone appeared first on The Onion .

MILL VALLEY, CAHaving proudly removed the piece of shriveled penile flesh from its bag and laid it next to her large selection of craft supplies, local mother Emily Taylor spent the afternoon scrapbooking her sons foreskin, wincing sources reported Tuesday.According to witnesses, the foreskin, which had belonged to her 6-day-old infant son before being snipped [] The post Foreskin Scrapbooked appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling the discovery the clearest proof yet of how the U.S. government was originally designed to function, archaeologists published new evidence Thursday that suggests the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., may have once been used for legislating. In their academic paper, the researchers wrote that the sprawling, 540-room marble complex contained conclusive proof that a [] The post Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating appeared first on The Onion .

ITHACA, NYRevealing the bird species has the capacity to detect botox, fillers, and even laser hair removal, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Avian Biology found that crows are able to recognize faces that have had work done.Its clear from observational data that crows have a keen ability to not only detect, but [] The post Study Finds Crows Able To Recognize Faces Had Work Done appeared first on The Onion .

The post Ref Under Uprights Sheepishly Waits To Do Good Sign Until Other Ref Does It First appeared first on The Onion .