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The post Park Gazebo Celebrates 20th Year Without A Sober Person Inside It appeared first on The Onion .

PEACH CREEK, KYTaking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it werent their intention, Americas simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they dont mean no harm to nobody. We dont wish no ill pon nobody, no sir, said bumpkin spokesperson Billy Lee Bubba Toddums, his beefy hands limp in the pockets of [] The post Nations Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Dont Mean No Harm To Nobody appeared first on The Onion .

After months of mounting pressure, the Democratic National Committee released a draft of its 2024 election autopsy report, which fails to incorporate information from interviews with Biden or Harris and doesnt use the words Israel or Gaza. What do you think? The post Democrats Release 2024 Election Autopsy appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESReminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper on Friday to avoid public feuds during her first trimester of pregnancy. While the fetus is still in this early developmental phase, its best to avoid [] The post Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester appeared first on The Onion .

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Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons of alternative landscaping. PRO Fucks with stupid ants Delays climate apocalypse by 0.3 seconds Housing of pollinators provides great source of passive rental income Less food for those horrible, horrible rabbits [] The post Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESTouting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed the aging process and have never looked or felt more healthy and youthful, said the [] The post Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet members life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! Hes fading! said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary [] The post RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKWarning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials reminded customers Friday to only share banking information with people who seemed nice. Fraudsters can use your online passwords and PINs to drain your accounts before you even notice, so always take extra precautions to verify [] The post Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCalling the innovation a remarkable step forward in removing fallible judgment from the game, MLB executives announced Friday that they would be attempting to reduce human error with new electronic bat boys. Until now, MLB has depended on the discernment of 13-year-olds to ferry gear to and from the batters box, and the reality [] The post MLB Attempts To Reduce Human Error With New Electronic Bat Boys appeared first on The Onion .

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A study found that Japanese eels have two different types of sperm, shedding light on why fisheries encountered such low fertility rates during artificial insemination. What do you think? The post Japanese Eels Revealed To Have 2 Types Of Sperm appeared first on The Onion .

The post Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Trying To Draw Foul While Shooting Free Throw appeared first on The Onion .

SUN PRAIRIE, WIStruggling feebly against the temptation to abandon the ethical standards he swore to uphold upon his election to the position, local student council treasurer Grayson Burners deepest convictions were reportedly tested Thursday after he obtained access to $52 in singles. Lets not do anything too hastythis kind of money doesnt come along every [] The post Student Council Treasurers Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles appeared first on The Onion .

The post OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESFlashing her freshly manicured nails in a show of dominance, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills cast member Kyle Richards was seen Thursday circling menacingly around the table where The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives California spinoff was filming. I dont care what you Mormon wives get up to in Utah, but California is mine, [] The post Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives Spinoff Shoot appeared first on The Onion .

Since the U.S. and Israel attacked Iran on Feb. 28, hostilities have escalated into naval blockades and threats from both sides that could spark a wider war. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the conflict. 10-20 Synonyms for boondoggle journalists arent allowed to use 8.6 million Schoolchildren remaining in Iranian stockpiles 19-ish [] The post The Iran War By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONStressing that they couldnt get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit companies this week to keep the giant flavorless blackberries coming. If you can keep making bags of ice-caked blackberries with no taste whatsoever, well take everything you got, said Nevada resident [] The post Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming appeared first on The Onion .

LAS VEGASHis body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week at the top of a step ladder. Sometimes, when you get all the way up there and youre a footnearly a foot and a halfoff the ground, you start to lose [] The post Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder appeared first on The Onion .

Well, well, well, it looks like that slick, glad-handing schmooze machine Bobby Hanlon, 45, couldnt charm his way out of this one (leukemia). The post Bobby Hanlon appeared first on The Onion .

The post Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner appeared first on The Onion .

MEDFORD, MACharting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen Z adults were moving back home for better access to Triscuits. Our data shows that Americans in their 20s are increasingly going back to live with their parents due to the [] The post Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits appeared first on The Onion .

ST. LOUISIn an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings announced Wednesday that it had donated 50,000 baseball gloves to the Ukrainian war effort. We knew we had to step up and do something for those whose lives have been upended [] The post Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukrainian War Effort appeared first on The Onion .