theonion

The post DOJ Fails To Redact Thousands Of Secret Epstein Family Recipes | Onion News Network appeared first on The Onion .

A mother in North Carolina who went missing while Christmas shopping 24 years ago was found alive and well, though she claimed she did not want to be contacted by her family. What do you think? The post Mother Who Went Missing In 2001 Found Alive appeared first on The Onion .

TOKYOIn a bathroom stall outfitted with a glowing panel of cartoon icons and a series of tubular suction gears that pulsed in choreographed sequence to a cheery welcome jingle, American tourist Trevor Willis acknowledged he was totally overwhelmed Thursday by a confusing Japanese glory hole with way too many bells and whistles. Okay, so the [] The post Confusing Japanese Glory Hole Has Too Many Bells And Whistles appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAs shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration,FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthries mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a month, said Patel, [] The post Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthries Captors appeared first on The Onion .

The British royal family is under pressure to remove Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor from its line of succession. The Onion sat down with the former prince to discuss his arrest and connection to Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion: Any reaction to the accusations against you? Mountbatten-Windsor: On advice of counsel, I can only state that my name is [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With Former Prince Andrew appeared first on The Onion .

The post Amazing Graze appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESCalling the project a crucial piece of world-building for an iconic sci-fi saga, filmmaker James Cameron revealed Thursday that the next movie in his blockbuster Avatar franchise would focus on the vast menagerie of sodas available in the fictional world of Pandora. Were really going to show how the soda selection on Pandora is [] The post James Cameron Reveals Next Avatar Movie Will Focus On Vast Menagerie Of Sodas Available On Pandora appeared first on The Onion .

SANTA FE, NMPutting to rest a debate that had stirred in the art world for decades, newly uncovered letters from Georgia OKeeffe made public this week confirmed long-running speculation that the painters iconic flower works were in fact veiled depictions of basset hounds. I want to tell you about the paintingsthose flowers, Alfredand all of [] The post Uncovered Georgia OKeeffe Letters Confirm Paintings Were Veiled Depictions Of Basset Hounds appeared first on The Onion .

BURBANK, CAAdmitting that her medical knowledge was very limited before landing the role of nurse Dana Evans, actress Katherine LaNasa told reporters Thursday that she had never heard of blood beforeThe Pitt. At first I wasnt even pronouncing it right, said the 59-year-old Emmy winner and HBO star, who credited the series genius team of [] The post Katherine LaNasa Admits She Had Never Heard Of Blood Before The Pitt appeared first on The Onion .

CHANDLER, AZNoting that he had showna lot of vulnerability by communicating his true feelings so explicitly, sources confirmed Thursday that an exs deaththreat provedhowmuchhereallycares. When you two were together you often felt that he didnt put in any effort, so its not really fair to turn around and complain about it now, said those close [] The post Death Threat Proves How Much Ex Really Cares appeared first on The Onion .

Brad Reese, the grandson of the man who invented the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, is publicly criticizing The Hershey Company, accusing the candy giant of replacing traditional ingredients like milk chocolate and peanut butter with low-cost substitutes. What do you think? The post Grandson Of Reeses Cup Inventor Blasts Hersheys Recipe Change appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESResponding to concerns that his upcoming Michael Jackson biopic would downplay accusations of sexual abuse involving the late singer, Michael director Antoine Fuqua revealed to reporters Wednesday that the film would fully confront allegations against actor Kevin Spacey. Though it might make people uncomfortable, no movie about the King of Pop would be complete [] The post Michael Director Reveals Biopic Will Fully Confront Allegations Against Kevin Spacey appeared first on The Onion

WAUKESHA, WISaying his approach to parenting was hands-off as far as imparting fundamental life lessons was concerned, local dad Derrick Pomeroy told reporters Wednesday that he wasreally countingonsportstoinstillall of the corevalueshis two children would need in life. I could probably find more opportunities to teach my kids about fairness and self-discipline, but with any luck, [] The post Local Dad Really Banking On Sports To Instill Core Values In Children appeared first on The Onion .

Large swaths of western Mexico have been shut down after a surge in cartel violence sparked by the killing of one of the worlds most wanted drug kingpins, known as El Mencho, in a military raid, with foreign governments warning their citizens to stay inside. What do you think? The post Mexican Cartel Leader Killing Unleashes Wave Of Violence appeared first on The Onion .

ATLANTAExplaining that watching his movements on video had really helped him identify weaknesses and track his gains and losses, local bodybuilder Antonio Vergara filmed himself eating chicken Wednesday to make sure his form was correct. People dont realize it, but over 70% of injuries from ingesting lean proteins happen because of bad technique, said Vergara, [] The post Bodybuilder Films Self Eating Chicken To Make Sure Form Correct appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Delivers State Of The Union Death Rattle appeared first on The Onion .

The post Democrats Wear White Flag Pins To SOTU To Indicate Surrender appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Invites Victims Of Jeffrey Epstein Investigation As SOTU Guests appeared first on The Onion .

ERIE, PAFeeling what he described as intense satisfaction as he gazed at the floor around the barber chair, local man Gabriel Daynes, 35, was proud of all the hair on the ground after he got a haircut, sources confirmed Tuesday. Wow, look at that big pile down thereI grew all that! Daynes reportedly thought to [] The post Man Proud Of Hair On Ground After Haircut appeared first on The Onion .

GRAND RAPIDS, MIDespite ample opportunity for the troubling realization to occur to him in the long hours he spent staring at his laptop, sources reported Tuesday that local man Aaron Semple at no point recognized during his recent rewatching of every Planet Of The Apes film that he might, in fact, be depressed. I thought [] The post At No Point While Rewatching Every Planet Of The Apes Does It Occur To Man He Might Be Depressed appeared first on The Onion .

The post Speechwriters Struggling To Spin List Of Ugly Women Trump Gave Them Into SOTU Address appeared first on The Onion .

The post Toxic Masculinity Brought To Jigsaw Puzzle appeared first on The Onion .

SYDNEYResponding to backlash following the release of Netflixs Americas Next Top Model docuseries, supermodel and television personality Tyra Banks stated Tuesday that taking abuse from Tyra Banks is simply how the modeling industry works. You can ask hundreds of models around the world, and theyll all tell you that getting emotionally abused by Tyra Banks [] The post Tyra Banks Says Taking Abuse From Tyra Banks Simply Reflective Of How The Industry Works appeared first on The Onion .

The post U.S. Populace Appoints Designated Survivor appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an effort to protect visitors to the violently contested territories south of the U.S. border, the State Department advised American tourists on Monday to temporarily avoid shootouts with Mexican drug cartels. While at this time, we see no need for American travelers to cancel their vacations, we do strongly recommend that they refrain from [] The post U.S. Tourists Advised To Temporarily Avoid Shootouts With Mexican Drug Cartels appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Invites Caucasian Half Of Alysa Liu To Visit White House appeared first on The Onion .

If passed into law, the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility Act will create new barriers to voting in federal elections by requiring documentation of citizenship to register and imposing strict photo-identification rules at polling places. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the SAVE America Act. Q: What is the goal of the bill? [] The post What To Know About The SAVE America Act appeared first on The Onion .

Mexico introduced tactical robot dogs as part of security preparations for the 2026 FIFA World Cup, with officials claiming the robotic units will assist police with surveillance, monitoring, and intervention operations during the international soccer tournament. What do you think? The post Mexico To Deploy Robotic Police Dogs For 2026 FIFA World Cup appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSAdmitting He felt torn between His true feelings and His fear of the unknown, the Lord God Almighty announced Monday that He no longer loved humanity but was too afraid to leave. Any affection I ever had for the human race is long gone, but Im just terrified at the thought of walking away [] The post GodAdmitsHeNo LongerLovesHumanityButIsToo AfraidToLeave appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKIn an unprecedented effort to pour gas on the fire and grow the popularity of the league, NHL officials announced Monday that it was launching a new $800 marketing campaign in a major push to attract new fans. Move over, NFL and NBA, because we are pulling out all the stops to make the [] The post NHL Launches $800 Marketing Campaign In Major Push To Attract New Fans appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying his advocacy for consuming animal products had painted a target on his back, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Monday that anti-protein extremists had left a head of lettuce on his doorstep. Yesterday morning when my wife went out to get the paper, she discovered a gruesome threat left by [] The post RFK Jr. Claims Anti-Protein Extremists Left Head Of Lettuce On His Doorstep appeared first on The Onion .

The post Olympians Showered With Mortadella Confetti During Milan Closing Ceremonies appeared first on The Onion .