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DAVENPORT, IAIn a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on this day of all days, the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. Its just me, me, me, with her today. Unbelievable, said 19-year-old son Brian Sullivan, who was reportedly upset by the lack [] The post Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her appeared first on The Onion .

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NEW ORLEANSIn an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming Basketball Night promotion honoring the popular sport.Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown Pelicans, but theyll also get a chance to immerse themselves in the game of basketball [] The post Pelicans Announce Upcoming Basketball Night appeared first on The Onion .

An Ohio woman sued a hospital after surgeons there allegedly amputated the wrong leg, mistakenly removing her left leg instead of the intended right. What do you think? The post Surgeons Amputate Wrong Leg appeared first on The Onion .

Gen. Randy George, the Army chief of staff since ousted by Defense Secretary Hegseth, warned of critically low stockpiles of U.S. interceptor missiles two months before the Iran War started, estimating the shortage would last until 2030. What do you think? The post Fired General Warned Of Missile Shortages Before Iran War appeared first on The Onion .

Beyond its laws and leaders, what has allowed the United States to prosper for so long is the unique physiology of its most ardent citizens. Here is a complete diagram of a patriot's brain. The post Diagram Of A Patriots Brain appeared first on The Onion .

With the election fast approaching, the stakes for democracy couldnt be clearer. Were deciding the fate of our country for the next two years. Because of that, some voters will base their decisions purely on party. Others have specific issues in mind. But for me theres only one issue that matters: hearing my name said [] The post Whoever Says My Name On TV Gets My Vote appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at ones wife as the official language of the United States. With the overwhelming majority of Americans fluent in waving an empty beer can at [] The post Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

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