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ITHACA, NYIn an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastilyannounced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and in the 90 minutes of its existence, the [] The post Cornell Tries Going By Different Name appeared first on The Onion .

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This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games: The suit over Apples App Store fees will be the first Supreme Court hearing hosted [] The post Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term appeared first on The Onion .

HOULTON, MESaying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. Im really annoyed that were having this conversation again when Ive already told him Im not interested, but I suppose [] The post Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts appeared first on The Onion .

Ive never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I wasthey couldnt get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to reevaluate old grudges, and while this might ding my [] The post All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over appeared first on The Onion .

BEVERLY HILLS, CAAssuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going bye-bye for a bit. Just like all you busy boys and girls, sometimes Ted Lasso gets tired and needs to rest, said series [] The post Ted Lasso Fans Told That Show Going Bye-Bye For A Bit appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the upcoming midterms. What do you think? The post Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAs they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still perfect.Americans, we come to you on your semiquincentennial with a dire dispatch: You must keep up [] The post Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of FutureWhere America Still Perfect appeared first on The Onion .

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO Have met same rigorous safety standards as Kranked XXXtreme Nuclear Berry Preworkout Something interesting to talk [] The post Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides appeared first on The Onion .