theonion

Oprah Winfrey announced that the school she founded for underprivileged girls in South Africa will close next year, ending operations after almost two decades. What do you think? The post Oprah Announces Closure Of School For Girls In Africa appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKClaiming that fans would love clapping and dancing along with their favorite characters,Ted Lassostar Jason Sudeikis confirmed that the shows fourth season, which begins Wednesday, would teach viewers about shapes and colors. At this point in the story, Teds positive attitude and heart-warming antics have taught the audience that its important to be yourself, [] The post New Ted Lasso Season Aims To Teach Viewers About Shapes, Colors appeared first on The Onion .

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The bride and groom are about to learn that a shared obsession with pickleball gets you about seven months. The post Tina Watts and Joey Bazan appeared first on The Onion .

Live Better Than A King: Lord over this 750-square-foot studio replete with modern electricitya luxury that Cyrus the Great, Charlemagne, and even the powerful Genghis Khan never experienced. Reference #21087 The post Live Better Than A King appeared first on The Onion .

ATHERTON, CAWith a hand-painted sign taped to the front of their fold-up card table, local Bay Area children Rowan and Amanda Denton reportedly opened an adrenochrome stand Wednesday along a busy suburban road.Adrenochrome! Adrenochrome for sale! Freshly harvested! said Rowan, 10, who waved at passing Cybertrucks as he poured the biomolecule intravenously drawn from his [] The post Bay Area Children Set Up Adrenochrome Stand On Side Of Road appeared first on The Onion .

HAWTHORNE, CAProviding customers with an expansive and growing library of premium content, smart doorbell manufacturer Ring launched a new streaming service Wednesday. Company officials said Ring+, as the subscription platform is called, features 3 trillion hours and counting of both live and pre-recorded exterior home security footage from across the country. With an ad-supported $7.99 [] The post Ring Launches Streaming Service appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOHailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data centers to run on even more electricity. People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with these upgraded facilities that require so much more of it, weve [] The post Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGONoting that there were no empty seats to switch to on the entirely full bus, sources confirmed Tuesday morning that a belching, groaning passenger seated directly behind a local woman had announced, Oh fuck. Reports indicated that the passenger had spent several minutes prior to his proclamation clutching his stomach and muttering, Please oh please [] The post Oh Fuck, Announces Belching, Groaning Bus Passenger Directly Behind Woman appeared first on The Onion .

As more Americans than ever turn to Ozempic and Wegovy for weight loss, consumers are becoming increasingly conscious of such drugs trade-offs. Here are the pros and cons of taking GLP-1s. PRO Always fun injecting something More comfortable than ball gag Creates enough loose skin to take flight Average user finds over $20 in loose [] The post Is Taking A GLP-1 Worth It? appeared first on The Onion .

BOZEMAN, MTUpending long-held beliefs about how the prehistoric reptiles commemorated a juvenile females transition into adulthood, new evidence published Thursday by researchers at Montana State University suggests that dinosaurs had quinceaeras.As we examined fossilized footprints in a traditional waltz pattern at dig sites across multiple continents, it became clear that dinosaurs did in fact throw [] The post New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Had Quinceaeras appeared first on The Onion .

Park ranger Stella Leonard, 37, succumbed to her injuries Thursday after being mauled by a tourist. The post Stella Leonard appeared first on The Onion .

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ARLINGTON, VAIn what may be the largest-ever disclosure of government data concerning the mysterious aerial phenomena, Pentagon officials announced Wednesday they had begun releasing a trove of formerly classified files on blimps. These strange, balloon-like anomalies have captivated the public imagination for decades, chief Pentagon spokesperson Sean Parnell said of the unusually bulbous vessels officially [] The post Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONPromoting the unfounded assertion in an effort to improve his polling, President Donald Trump baselessly claimed during a White House press conference Monday that he was a viral 40-pound tabby cat named Daddy Cinnamon. Yes, thats right, folksIm the adorable, adorable fluffy furball who has been crawling all over your social media feeds, the commander-in-chief [] The post Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon appeared first on The Onion .

The FCC targeted China by banning the import of foreign-made humanoid robots, citing cybersecurity and national security concerns. What do you think? The post U.S. Bans Foreign-Made Humanoid Robots appeared first on The Onion .

Many U.S.-based players have reportedly stopped purchasing Powerball tickets in spite of a growing jackpot, believing the odds of winning have plummeted amid the multistate lottery games recent expansion into the U.K. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind Powerball. 1.2 Average number of years until winners miserable again 26 Brood size of [] The post Powerball By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

Youre always talking about joining, so lets see how truly full of shit you are. Reference #63248 The post Near Rock Climbing Gym appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONPledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States had officially instated a military wife draft. Hegseth told reporters that given the abysmal numbers of Americans who voluntarily enlisted to wed U.S. soldiers, he [] The post U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft appeared first on The Onion .

BURBANK, CAIn a bold and shameless effort to expand their growing reach in the film industry, power-mad Marvel Studios executives claimed Friday that A Night At The Roxbury was part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.The Eurodance-loving crime fighters are an iconic superhero duo who have long been a fixture of the MCU, delighting our audiences [] The post Power-Mad Marvel Claims Night At The Roxbury Part Of MCU appeared first on The Onion .

Several schools across the U.S. are deploying pepper spray-dispensing drones in an effort to combat school shootings, an approach inspired by the success of drones in Ukraines war effort. What do you think? The post Schools Deploy Pepper Spray Drones To Combat Shootings appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying the convenience of the quick but nutritious entrees could not be beat, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. showed viewers of his new cooking show Friday how they could create easy weeknight meals using ingredients already in their own bodies. You dont have to have a full pantry or a stocked [] The post RFK Jr. Cooking Show Features Easy Weeknight Meals Using Ingredients Already In Own Body appeared first on The Onion .

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The American Red Cross warned that a critical shortage of blood could prevent those needing life-saving transfusions from getting them, urging donations from everyone eligible to give. What do you think? The post Red Cross Warns Blood Supply Alarmingly Low appeared first on The Onion .

SANTA MONICA, CAStating that they were looking forward to another spectacular and soul-stirring awards ceremony in February, the Recording Academy confirmed Friday that the list of artists not boycotting the Grammys was down to Meghan Trainor, Susan Boyle, and Sugar Ray. While we are disappointed that some musicians have declined to participate, we could not [] The post Report: Artists Not Boycotting Grammys Down To Meghan Trainor, Susan Boyle, Sugar Ray appeared first on The Onion .

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Spider-Man: Brand New Day opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new film. Q: Whats the premise? A: The premise? Easy there, college boy. Its a Spider-Man movie. You can leave your notebook at home. Q: Which comic book is it based on? A: The Spectacular Tom [] The post What To Know About Spider-Man: Brand New Day appeared first on The Onion .