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HOBOKEN, NJIn a major shift from the companys decades-long focus on inner beauty, personal care product brand Dove finally admitted Tuesday that some people are ugly. Despite years of claims that people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, we are now prepared to agree that there are some butterfaced uggos out there whose looks [] The post Dove Finally Admits Some People Ugly appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSWarning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. I created all thingsdo you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine [] The post God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die appeared first on The Onion .

BUFFALO, NYGiving thanks for the hospitality shown to him and his family throughout his tenure with the team, recently terminated Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott reportedly expressed his gratitude Monday to the people, if you want to use that term, of Buffalo. For the past nine years, the peopleand of course I use that [] The post Sean McDermott Expresses Gratitude To The People, If You Want To Call Them That, Of Buffalo appeared first on The Onion .