theonion

The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a resolution to withhold their own paychecks in the event of a government shutdown, although they would still receive backpay after the future shutdowns end. What do you think? The post Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns appeared first on The Onion .

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DENVERIn an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly [] The post Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It appeared first on The Onion .

A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with it appearing as though someone drilled out a cavity. What do you think? The post Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry appeared first on The Onion .

Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party. The post Aaron Petrov appeared first on The Onion .

The post Whats Our Health Insurance Denying? appeared first on The Onion .

HENDERSON, NVSolemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was reportedly under an entirely different impression as to which of the worlds horrific news stories they were discussing. According to sources, the four friends emphatically concurred that everything was really bleak [] The post Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed appeared first on T

The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media. Contact your senator with thoughts on the Downton Abbey finale. While grocery shopping, text Morning Edition to see if they need anything. If you know the identity of a famed serial killer, consider giving the scoop to [] The post Tips For Supporting Public Media appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump, when asked whether the economic hardships felt by Americans would motivate him to reach a deal with Iran, claimed not even a little bit, insisting his only concern was preventing the Middle East nation from procuring a nuclear weapon. What do you think? The post Trump: Americans Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl appeared first on The Onion .

Off Campus, a TV adaptation of the bestselling hockey romance book series, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. Q: What is it about? A: An opposites attract relationship between two college students who are different kinds of hot. Q: Where is it set? A: Confusingly, on campus. [] The post What To Know About Off Campus appeared first on The Onion .

FORT WAYNE, INUpon realizing his most meaningful social interactions now took place among people he had never actually encountered in the flesh, local man Andrew Riley confided to reporters Wednesday that he was horrified to find himself seeking community online. Riley, a 33-year-old account manager who last summer joined an internet forum for wristwatch enthusiasts, [] The post Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online appeared first on The Onion .

Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell: The civil union brings Blackwells lifetime dating record to 3-14-1. The post Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell appeared first on The Onion .

UKIAH, CACalling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly stormed over to the sidelines of an ongoing youth soccer game Saturday afternoon to demand that the coach play his unathletic son less. Josh has been on the field for 20 [] The post Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less appeared first on The Onion .

Thanks to his swift rise from first-term Ohio senator to next-in-line for the presidency, JD Vance is thought by many to represent the vanguard of the Republican Party. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss his views on faith, the Trump administrations goals, and his future ambitions. The Onion: Mr. Vice President, [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKIn an effort to focus on the incredible array of bathing suits featured in its pages, Sports Illustrated announced Wednesday that it would be removing all the distracting models from the magazines swimsuit edition. It has come to our attention that the buxom women we usually feature in our swimsuit issues have been inadvertently [] The post Sports Illustrated Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition appeared first on The Onion .

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The State Department has begun revoking passports of parents who owe a significant amount in unpaid child support, beginning with those owing $100,000 or more. What do you think? The post U.S. Revokes Passports Of Parents Who Owe Child Support appeared first on The Onion .

Passengers aboard the cruise ship at the epicenter of a deadly hantavirus outbreak have returned to their home countries, where they will be quarantined and monitored. What do you think? The post Passengers From Hantavirus-Stricken Cruise Ship Return Home appeared first on The Onion .

Susan Westbrook, 54, passed away Sunday after not shaking well something she was supposed to shake well. The post Susan Westbrook appeared first on The Onion .

Look, we all know how most people live their lives these days, so lets not beat around the bush and pretend you need a nice home for entertaining and shit like that. Reference #538518 The post Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off appeared first on The Onion .

The post Stagehand Rushes Out To Bring Bruno Mars Different Pelvis For Slow Song appeared first on The Onion .

LANGLEY, VAIn the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central Intelligence Agency came under fire Friday for arming a group of rowdy 7-year-olds in the town of Heronburg, OH.Last I checked, the American people were never consulted about whether they wanted [] The post CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds appeared first on The Onion .

BOSTONIn an effort to entice Giannis Antetokounmpo to join the franchise, the Boston Celtics announced Tuesday that guard Payton Pritchard was now the two-time MVPs brother. We understand it would be difficult for Giannis to leave Thanasis and Alex behind in Milwaukee, but we want him to know his beloved brother Payton is already right [] The post Celtics Attempt To Lure Giannis By Announcing Payton Pritchard His Brother Now appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESAdmitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday that he figured he would have met Steve-O by now after eight years in the United States. I saw Steve-O on TV so many times growing up, so when I first [] The post Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

Ben Landau and William Roth: The happy couple married in a rusty grain silo Saturday after learning the price of renting out the barn. The post Ben Landau and William Roth appeared first on The Onion .

Every time I turn on the news, theres something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in the streets, chaos unfolding in practically every corner of the country. Things outside the U.S. arent much prettier. Famine, war, poverty, terrorism. When did things get so hard? When did we become so divided? Basically [] The post Just When I Thought The World Couldnt Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me Go To A Play appeared first on The Onion .

The post Cannes Film Festival Attendee Eating Nachos Out Of Plastic Beret appeared first on The Onion .

The post Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOPlunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange Sidewalk Closed sign. According to witnesses, a growing crowd of disoriented commuters were milling anxiously in front of the sign, with one woman sobbing quietly into her hands and saying, But this [] The post Sidewalk Closed Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly appeared first on The Onion .