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Cicadas referred to as stragglers because they emerge off-cycle may appear this year despite their broods not being expected to emerge, with scientists unsure how they lose track of time. What do you think? The post Straggler Cicadas To Appear appeared first on The Onion .

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a [] The post At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours appeared first on The Onion .

A Florida doctor was charged with second-degree manslaughter after accidentally removing a patients liver instead of his spleen. What do you think? The post Surgeon Charged After Removing Wrong Organ appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESTeasing an exciting new direction for the series, Beef showrunner Lee Sung Jin revealed Monday that the third season of his hit Netflix drama would focus on an escalating feud between a cartoon mouse and a cartoon cat. Im still ironing out the details, but I can tell you now that the conflict will [] The post Beef Creator Reveals Season 3 Will Focus On Escalating Feud Between Cartoon Mouse, Cat appeared first on The Onion .

Lena Dunham recently released a polarizing new memoir in which she reflects on her rise to fame, past relationships, and the success of Girls. The Onion sat down with the writer to discuss some of the experiences detailed in Famesick. The Onion: Whats your new book about?Dunham: I decided to step outside my comfort zone [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With Lena Dunham appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKFollowing a scene in which numerous high-profile attendees were observed violently clawing at their own skin, officials at Madison Square Garden acknowledged Wednesday that a severe bedbug outbreak was spread throughout Knicks celebrity row by actor Michael Rapaport during the evenings game.Witnesses reported that Rapaport arrived visibly disheveled, repeatedly raking his fingernails across clusters [] The post Michael Rapaport Gives Knicks Celebrity Row Bedbugs appeared first on The Oni

The post Uber Driver Casually Mentions This His First Time Driving appeared first on The Onion .

ST. LOUISVoicing frustration as he discussed his lack of even the most rudimentary skills, local man Henry Right told reporters Monday that he had finally gotten good enough at his new hobby to understand just how bad he is at it. I picked up the guitar last year, and after endless hours of private lessons [] The post Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It appeared first on The Onion .

INDIO, CAGenerating mixed reactions from festivalgoers during her headline performance at Coachella, pop star Sabrina Carpenter reportedly turned her body fully inside out Friday in a horrific new position for her song Juno. Have you ever tried this one? the singer said in an uncharacteristically cold, distorted voice, lowering herself to the stage and contorting [] The post Sabrina Carpenter Turns Body Fully Inside Out In Horrific New Juno Position appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn what is being characterized as a massive middle finger to millions of furious motorists, oil prices plummeted Friday, delivering a big fuck-you to all the Americans who gassed up their vehicles yesterday. Nobody was hit harder than the suckers who filled their tanks mere hours before the ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon caused the [] The post Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday appeared first on The Onion .

Getting a haircut you truly love can be a challenge. The Onion shares tips for getting better haircuts. Be as specific as possible when describing which Zootopia character you want to look like. Tell your stylist what you want and, more importantly, what youre willing to do to their family if you dont get it. [] The post Tips For Getting Better Haircuts appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESAccusing the actor of abusing the all-powerful Life Current that binds the universe together, Lena Dunham claimed Friday that Adam Driver used the Force on the set of the HBO series Girls. It can really create a toxic work environment when a coworker you thought was your friend suddenly begins shooting lightning out of [] The post Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of Girls appeared first on The Onion .

TMZ, the tabloid news organization known for sensationalized celebrity gossip, has opened a Washington bureau and turned its sights on politicians. What do you think? The post TMZ Launches D.C. Bureau appeared first on The Onion .

The post Live Nation CEO Sentenced To 10 Years In Online Queue appeared first on The Onion .

INDIO, CAExpressing shock and disappointment at the conduct of so-called music fans, representatives for concert promoter Goldenvoice announced Friday that Coachellas second weekend had been canceled after drugs were found on the grounds of the festival. After discovering what we believe to be illegal substances within the bounds of Empire Polo Club, we have made [] The post Coachella Cancels Weekend 2 After Drugs Found On Festival Grounds appeared first on The Onion .

In an announcement that caused its stock to rally almost 600%, Allbirds said it would stop making its well-known minimalist, sustainable shoes and become an AI infrastructure company. What do you think? The post Allbirds Pivots To AI appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESSeeking to clear up any ambiguity once and for all, four-time NBA Most Valuable Player LeBron James indicated to reporters Friday which of his Los Angeles Lakers teammates are and are not, in fact, his children. Bronny James is the only blood relative I have on the team, and a helpful way to remember [] The post LeBron Clarifies Which Teammates Are, Are Not His Children appeared first on The Onion .

THOMASVILLE, GAParalyzed by the weight of the choice before him, local man Sam Corrigan reportedly spent several agonizing minutes Monday deciding which of his shirts was worthy of the single wooden hanger he owns.I meanit should probably be something with a collar, right? said Corrigan, quietly holding up a nice $60 button-up he got on [] The post Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger appeared first on The Onion .

The post All Marlins Walk-Up Songs Royalty-Free appeared first on The Onion .

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Zoe Peters died at 76 from a heart attack, assuming the medical examiner accepts her husbands bribe. The post Zoe Peters appeared first on The Onion .

The post Sure, Nation Wont Say No To Another Reason To Hate Katy Perry appeared first on The Onion .

The post Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas appeared first on The Onion .

The post White House Doctor: The President Has Very Strong Nipples appeared first on The Onion .

After leaving fans waiting for more than four years, Euphoria is back for its third and final season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the HBO drama. Q: Which members of the cast are returning? A: Willingly, none of them. Q: How many episodes will there be? A: This season will make [] The post What To Know About Euphoria Season 3 appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKIn an eight-hour-long video posted Tuesday to the Criterion Collections YouTube channel, actor Nick Offerman can be seen paying a visit to the Criterion Closet to rebuild the film librarys shelves.Dont tell me youve been using particle board in here, said the 55-year-old woodworker, who frowned, rolled up his sleeves, and began unshelving hundreds [] The post Nick Offerman Visits Criterion Closet To Rebuild Shelves appeared first on The Onion .

ATHENS, GANoting that the dead body was far more handsome than her deceased brother, local woman Danielle Lundy confirmed the casket she purchased this week still had a stock corpse inside. I get that they want to sell caskets, but it feels kind of dishonest to put these perfect dead bodies with their ideal facial [] The post Casket Still Has Stock Corpse In It appeared first on The Onion .

STANFORD, CACalling it a pretty slow one as far as natural selection and genetic drift were concerned, biologists from Stanford University confirmed Tuesday that not much evolution happened today.According to our observations over the past 24 hours, the vast majority of species on earth have pretty much just been holding steady and staying the course, [] The post Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today appeared first on The Onion .

WATERBURY, CTAdmitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused him to seriously neglect his relationship with alcohol.I thought I had it under control, but then I got promoted, and suddenly I was skipping every happy hour to stay late on [] The post Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol appeared first on The Onion .

Nuptials were held at the same convenience store where the bride first threatened to put a bullet in the grooms skull if he didnt empty the fucking register. The post Teresa Willis and Brendan Cooks appeared first on The Onion .

Roblox announced the introduction of new age-based accounts for young users that allow for greater parental controls, preventing players under 16 from fully accessing the chat function. What do you think? The post Roblox Introduces Age-Based Accounts appeared first on The Onion .

Over 1,000 major Hollywood power players such as Ben Stiller, J.J. Abrams, Jane Fonda, and Sopranos creator David Chase signed an open letter opposing Paramounts proposed merger with Warner Bros., claiming it will result in fewer opportunities for creators, fewer jobs across the production ecosystem, higher costs, and less choice for audiences. What do you [] The post Hollywood Stars Pen Open Letter Opposing ParamountWarner Bros. Merger appeared first on The Onion .

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Tanya Brown, 46, died Wednesday when she was unable to prevent her driverless vehicle from dragging her through a slaughterhouse. The post Tanya Brown appeared first on The Onion .

Room and board provided, but you will need to earn your keep. Your quarters are the garret, where you will sleep in silence beside the groundskeeper. One stick of firewood allotted on Christmas Day, if you have proven satisfactory. Reference #520739 The post Wretches Welcome appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCalling the move the logical next phase in the leagues continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season, it would begin staging several games across various epochs of history.Weve seen tremendous growth from bringing the game to destinations like London, Berlin, and Mexico City, and now were planning on [] The post NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOConcluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicagos sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong.Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having [] The post Poor Sleep Linked To Gong appeared first on The Onion .