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MILWAUKEEExpressing enthusiasm about the programming and atmosphere at the Avalon Theaters all-night screening, local man Dan Wittman reportedly attended a 24-hour Scare-O-Rama horror marathon this week alongside dozens of other failures. Its cool that they dont just focus on the old stufftheres a nice mix of 80s and 90s cult classics and even some international [] The post 24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon Attended With Other Failures appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAsking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a sketchy dealer in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly celebrated Halloween Friday by greeting trick-or-treaters with a big bowl of ape glands. Come and get a king-sized gibbon pituitary, Kennedy said while gesturing to the [] The post RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands appeared first on The Onion .

Nvidia became the first company to hit a $5 trillion market capitalization, putting it on par with the GDP of countries like Germany, despite many warning of a possible AI bubble. What do you think? The post Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company appeared first on The Onion .

SEOULIn a historic trade agreement that President Donald Trump touted as a major win for an American farmer, China reportedly agreed Thursday to purchase 11 U.S. soybeans. I am extremely honored that President Xi has authorized China to begin the purchase of this unprecedented amount of American-grown soybeansnot merely nine or 10 beans, but 11 [] The post China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOHoping to lock down childcare so they could get out of the house for a fun date night this week, area parents Mitchell and Jessica Ashe reportedly asked their freshly ICE-detained nanny, Maria Gutirrez, if shed still be free to watch their kids on Friday. Hey, Maria! We know you have a lot on your [] The post Parents Ask Detained Nanny If Shes Still Free To Watch Kids Friday appeared first on The Onion .

The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out Operation Midway Blitz since early September. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Chicago immigration raids. $50,000: Sufficient incentive to treat fellow human beings this way 260: Agents with Celtic knot tattoos 8: Pitch sessions before they finally landed on Operation Midway Blitz [] The post Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

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Cameroon elected 92-year-old Paul Biya as its president, making him the worlds oldest, amid deadly street protests and claims of widespread election fraud. What do you think? The post Cameroon Elects 92-Year-Old President appeared first on The Onion .

CLEVELANDRevealing a vast, forgotten catalog of legitimate pop compositions, a report released Thursday about novelty musical act Michael Joseph Jackson found that the man who recorded the perennial Halloween classic Thriller also had a bunch of non-Halloween music. Jackson is, of course, exclusively known for his haunted hit Thriller and singing spooky lyrics like No [] The post Report: Guy Who Sings Thriller Has Bunch Of Non-Halloween Music, Too appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONPraising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the bodys natural ability to transmute lead into gold. The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead, [] The post Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Bodys Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an effort to manage the American peoples expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasnt set on a house. Were not saying its impossiblewere just saying you might want to consider keeping your options open, said Jeffrey Birney, an economics professor at Georgetown University, who [] The post Economists: Hope Your Heart Wasnt Set On A House appeared first on The Onion .

AUSTIN, TXNoting that hed already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. He means well, and I dont want [] The post Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Elis Mentorship appeared first on The Onion .

The new report revealed that thousands of uncontacted Indigenous peoples around the world are facing increasing dangers, such as contact by missionaries, miners, criminal gangs, and social media influencers spreading diseases and clearing forests, that could wipe out as many as half in 10 years. What do you think? The post Report: Half Of All Uncontacted People Could Be Wiped Out In Next Decade appeared first on The Onion .

SAN BRUNO, CAExpressing surprise and delight at the notion that gals could also shred, dozens of YouTube users who stumbled upon the Mousers cover of Bikini Kills Rebel Girl revealed Wednesday that they were astounded to learn chicks were able to rock too. Wow, it turns out that ladies can play some pretty heavy riffs, [] The post YouTube Comment Section Astounded To Learn Chicks Can Rock Too appeared first on The Onion .

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1 FROWNIN AT NIGHT THE WEEKEND 2 EMBERS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TAYLOR SWIFT 3 PORK ME WITH YOUR CHODE SABRINA CARPENTER 4 RATTLING CHAINS AND SCREANS (9-HOUR VERSION) HALLOWEEN SOUNDS 5 SUSHI IS TOO EXPENSIVE RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE 6 I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON VIDEO GAMES BEYONC 7 DARK RISE OF THE [] The post The Onions Top Songs: October 2025 appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONClaiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree of life. Yggdrasil was becoming a total eyesore and its roots could barely be used to travel from the well Urarbrunnr to the spring Hvergelmir, said [] The post Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life appeared first on The Onion .

Another season of Nobody Wants This dropped on Netflix, marking a new chapter in the love story between a sex-positive podcaster and a rabbi in Los Angeles. Here is everything we know about season two of the breakout rom-com series. Kristen Bell prepared for the role by spending six months learning how to eat a [] The post Everything We Know About Nobody Wants This Season 2 appeared first on The Onion .

An investor group that includes Travis Kelce has acquired about 9% of Six Flags Entertainment Corporation, planning to advocate for strategic changes to improve visitor experience. What do you think? The post Travis Kelce Part Of Investor Group Aiming To Revive Six Flags appeared first on The Onion .

SEATTLEAfter guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could keep the baby. Oooh, you guys mind if I take this? said Parker, adding that she would throw in a 10% discount on her birthing coach services if Kendrick and [] The post Doula Asks To Keep Baby appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSExpressing confusion over the primates classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could have sworn He put more gorillas down there. How are there fewer than 6,000 of the eastern lowland ones left when I swear I made Earth, like, half gorillas? the [] The post God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There appeared first on The Onion .