theonion

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CAMBRIDGE, MARinging in the momentous occasion with firework displays, community service projects, and chants of bog-trotters go home, the United States of America turned 250 on Saturday despite the presence of the Irish. The semiquincentennial, marking two and a half centuries since the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was observed by approximately 308 million [] The post Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish appeared first on The Onion .

LOW EARTH ORBITSmiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, Americas Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday. Happy semiquincentennial, America, said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized in the thermosphere alongside [] The post Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space appeared first on The Onion .

In The Onion, July 4, 2026By the REPRESENTATIVES of theONION EDITORIAL BOARD, When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station [] The post A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World appeared first on The Onion .

PLYMOUTH, MAReaffirming their commitment to sovereignty against a backdrop of crashing waves and the setting sun, the original 13 American states renewed the Declaration of Independence Saturday in a beautiful beachfront ceremony. Now repeat after me, do you free and independent states hold these truths to be self-evident? said officiant Barack Obama, adding that despite [] The post Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONOffering new insight into the origins of Americas founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nations Founding Fathers, we hypothesize that the document that ultimately became the Declaration originated as a [] The post Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As Twilight Fan Fiction appeared first on T

NEW YORKRising from his seat as the first notes of Lee Ann Womacks I Hope You Dance blasted over the sound system, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid was seen approaching the floor Friday evening for the traditional coach-tight end wedding dance. Its a moment every coach dreams about from the time he drafts his [] The post Andy Reid Approaches Floor For Traditional Coach-Tight End Wedding Dance appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKStruggling to wrap his head around the horrific sight before him, a panicked Travis Kelce reportedly yelled, Babe, you shrunk! on Friday to the miniature bride figurine on top of the couples wedding cake. Taylor, no, God, noits going to be okay babe, just tell me who did this to you! said the Kansas [] The post Babe, You Shrunk! Says Panicked Travis Kelce To Mini Bride On Wedding Cake appeared first on The Onion .

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NEW YORKNavigating the venue in search of his place setting, wedding guest Andy Reid was reportedly pleased Friday to find that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce had seated him at an empty table with 12 dinners assigned to him. I think this is me, said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach to the dozen plates [] The post Andy Reid Seated At Empty Wedding Table With 12 Dinners appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONIn a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athletes, adopting an originalist vision for junior varsity volleyball rosters. In their abundant wisdom, the authors of the Constitution methodically laid out the exact [] The post Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters appeared first on The Onion .

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PITTSBURGHNoting that the man could often be seen waiting outside OMalleys Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. You can just tell he lives and breathes [] The post Guy Who Goes To Bar Every Day At 10 A.M. Must Be Huge Soccer Fan appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONClaiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. Theres a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, [] The post Trump Covers Up Low State Fair Attendance By Calling In Bomb Threat appeared first on The Onion .

Upon the former House Speakers retirement from Congress, Nancy Pelosi and the University of California, Berkeley, will establish the Nancy Pelosi Institute for Representative Democracy, a nonpartisan organization dedicated to strengthening American democracy. What do you think? The post UC Berkeley Announces Nancy Pelosi Democracy Institute appeared first on The Onion .

Elle, a new Legally Blonde prequel series on Amazon Prime Video, has premiered to mixed reviews. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. Q: How is the story updated for 2026? A: The story is now spread out over 16 more hours than it needed to be. Q: What stereotypes does [] The post What To Know About Elle appeared first on The Onion .

Desire To Murder May Have Driven Man To Pull Trigger The post Police Suspect Gunmans Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People appeared first on The Onion .

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Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a [] The post The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDisplaying an uncanny comprehension of humanitys power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earths biggest pedophile.People of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planets affairs at once! said Grelahr Xoxneb [] The post Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens appeared first on

Legendary corporate raider Bruce Nakagami, 76, is doing leveraged buyouts with the angels now. The post Bruce Nakagami appeared first on The Onion .

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MILWAUKEEClimbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesdays game.They took after those sausages like a pack of wolves, said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of [] The post Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race appeared first on The Onion .

Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think? The post Anti-Vaxxer Dating App Gaining Popularity appeared first on The Onion .

The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring. The post Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett appeared first on The Onion .

A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Moms definitely going to say its time for your generation to start hosting holidays. Reference #33813 The post Damn It, Moms Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now appeared first on The Onion .

More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences. Concessions:Streaming: 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didnt confiscate. Size Of Vin Diesels [] The post Streaming vs. Theaters appeared first on The Onion .

DAYTON, OHExpressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children.I voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on [] The post MAHA Voter Feels Betrayed By Continued Survival Of Own Children appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONStating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world.Were getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanitys presence on planet Earth, Trump said during [] The post Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World appeared first on The Onion .

CAMBRIDGE, MAInsisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individuals contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the schools teaching staff. Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several [] The post Harvard Faces Pressure To Fire Confederate Generals appeared first on The Onion .