While its natural for personal relationships to change or fade over time, many adults reportedly find it difficult to forge new friendships later in life. The Onion shares tips for making friends as an adult. Start calling your parents by their first names. Find a volunteer cause you can immediately dispense with the second your [] The post Tips For Making Friends As An Adult appeared first on The Onion .

Treasure hunters recovered more than 1,000 silver and gold coins worth about $1 million from a 1715 Spanish shipwreck off Floridas coast. What do you think? The post $1 Million In Coins Recovered From Spanish Shipwreck appeared first on The Onion .

STOCKHOLMIn an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person [] The post Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums appeared first on The Onion .

LEAWOOD, KSSeeing his fiance in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor SwiftsThe Life Of A Showgirl. Its kind of weird Ive only known her for two years, dont you think? said the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who told his [] The post Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album appeared first on The Onion .

Through a new government-run website called TrumpRx, drug manufacturers will sell prescription medicines directly to consumers at lower-than-retail prices, but insurance will not be accepted. What do you think? The post Trump Announces TrumpRx Website For Prescription Drugs appeared first on The Onion .

According to a new report, Stephen King is now the author most likely to be censored by U.S. schools, with The Shining, Christine, The Stand, and On Writing among the 87 of his titles removed from shelves. What do you think? The post Stephen King Most Banned Author In U.S. Schools appeared first on The Onion .

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Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax and pass an evenings time. Reference #35615 The post Wouldst This Suit MLord? appeared first on The Onion .

LOS GATOS, CAWith an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday that all of its subscribers would now be required to recruit five new customers.In the competitive world of streaming media, this restructuring will ensure Netflix remains at the forefront of [] The post Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers appeared first on The Onion .

ARLINGTON, VAThe U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam, part of the militarys ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities. According to officials, the Seattle-based company will oversee the prototype of a tactical frothed milk topping for use [] The post Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam appeared first o

MESA, AZAs he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he was straightening up his meth lab ahead of an anticipated visit from his landlord.Just doing a bit of cleaning to get the meth kitchen spick-and-span before Gary comes by, Walker [] The post Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlords Visit appeared first on The Onion .

Good Boy, a horror movie told from the point of view of its dog protagonist, comes to theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Good Boy about? A: A loyal dog discovers supernatural forces lurking in his crotch that must be exorcised through intense licking. [] The post What To Know About Good Boy appeared first on The Onion .

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The widow of the recently deceased Leonard Hendrick, 66, would like all single men in the community to know that her husband died and she is ready to move on. The post Leonard Hendrick appeared first on The Onion .

KNOXVILLE, TNAfter a disappointing lunch that shattered his romanticized view of the topping, heartbroken local man Vince Salazar stated Monday that he now understood he had only ever loved the idea of a fried egg on a hamburger.I thought the sunny-side up burger upgrade was what I really wanted, but Ive come to see that [] The post Heartbroken Man Realizes He Only Loved Idea Of Fried Egg On Burger appeared first on The Onion .

My dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this womanand this empty wallet and this wiped-out checking accountin the bonds of holy moly, this wedding is expensive! Ding-dong, loyal readers! Wedding bells are ringing around the Dudek household. (Or maybe thats the cha-ching of the cash register.) [] The post The Cost Of This Wedding Is Making Me Matri-moan-y! appeared first on The Onion .

Pete Hegseth sharply condemned fat generals at a military gathering, ordering all officers to meet stricter fitness standards. What do you think? The post Pete Hegseth Rails Against Fat Generals appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONCalling him the best man for the job, President Donald Trump reportedly asked JD Vance Thursday to research whether the president was allowed to kill the vice president. I mean, Article II says hes legally my property, right? said Trump, who stated that the task was absolutely critical as he put both his hands on [] The post Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President appeared first on The Onion .

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With 112,408 fans attending his show Saturday at Michigan Stadium, country star Zach Bryan set a new national record for the largest ticketed concert crowd. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Hometown: You Dont Want To Know The History Of This Place, Oklahoma Instrument: Sleeveless guitar Vocal Style: Dehydrated Biggest [] The post Artist Profile: Zach Bryan appeared first on The Onion .

Mommy and Luke had such a fun time on their cruise that they decided to get married and Luke is going to live here with us! Isnt that exciting? The post Mommy and Mommys Friend Luke appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONTouting the substances anti-inflammatory properties and high smoke point, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a statement Thursday advocating for the use of beef tallow in home birth tubs.Despite what the perpetrators of the medical-industrial complex would like you to believe, women have been giving birth in rendered animal fat for [] The post RFK Jr. Advocates Using Beef Tallow In Home Birth Tubs appeared first on The Onion .

BURBANK, CATouting the promotion as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go behind the scenes of the beloved medical drama, producers of The Pitt announced Thursday that one lucky fan had been chosen to undergo an open-heart procedure performed by the stars of the series.I wrote in to explain how much I love the show and how [] The post Lucky Fan Wins Open-Heart Surgery From Stars Of The Pitt appeared first on The Onion .

OpenAI introduced new parental controls for ChatGPT, allowing oversight over settings and alerts for unsafe content, though teens will be able to disable the controls at any time. What do you think? The post OpenAI Introduces Parental Controls appeared first on The Onion .

MESA, AZGleefully describing the inevitable day when society would collapse and digital files would become unusable, local physical media collector David Campbell confirmed Wednesday he was absolutely pumped for the downfall of humanity. When it all goes down, theres only going to be one place to watch theTomb Raidermovies in their entirety with all the [] The post Physical Media Collector Pumped For Downfall Of Humanity appeared first on The Onion .

Gail Barnsom, 74, tragically lost her battle with escalators Thursday. The post Gail Barnsom appeared first on The Onion .

This picturesque luxury cottage is available free of charge until the family that owns it gets back from their trip to Montauk. Reference #07965 The post Window Ajar appeared first on The Onion .

PARISIn a statement citing the need to preserve his smoldering good looks so that future generations could continue to swoon over him, U.N. officials announced Tuesday that Spanish actor Javier Bardem had been formally declared a UNESCO World-Class Hunk. The U.N. agency said Bardem had met the criteria of brawn, charisma, and raw masculine eros [] The post Javier Bardem Declared UNESCO World-Class Hunk appeared first on The Onion .

SANTA ROSA, CAUpon issuing a citation that listed wet surfaces and thick coatings of grease among numerous other violations, the Sonoma County Health Department announced Wednesday that it had shut down Guy Fieri.We received an anonymous tip about the unsanitary condition of Mr. Fieri, and our surprise-inspection team was deeply disturbed by the state we [] The post Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESSaying he was excited to explore the psychology of one of the 21st centurys greatest villains, Monster creator Ryan Murphy announced Wednesday that the anthologys latest season would focus on a barista who made his drink wrong. Ive covered killers like Jeffrey Dahmer and the Menendez brothers, but Ive never done a character study [] The post New Season Of Monster To Focus On Barista Who Made Ryan Murphys Drink Wrong appeared first on The Onion .