The Transportation Department issued a new rule requiring airlines provide customers with automatic cash refunds in the event of flight cancellations or significant delays, saving passengers a projected $500 million in the next year. What do you think? Read more...

NEW GLARUS, WITsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teens at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. Honestly, Im happy knowing what these dirty blond Read more...

President Biden signed a bill into law banning TikTok nationwide unless the Chinese company that owns it, ByteDance, sells its stake in the app within a year. What do you think? Read more...

CHICAGOStanding with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late pigs daughter down the aisle at her wedding, sources confirmed Friday. Your father wrote a letter before he passed away asking that whoever Read more...

Recent reports have indicated that a number of female fans are thirsting over the Ghoul. The Onion asked women to explain why they are attracted to Walton Goggins mutant character in the new TV series Fallout, and this is what they said. Read more...

This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone elses garage so you wont have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of current residents. Read more...

WICHITA, KSComplaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadnt removed its now-rotting Santa Claus from a seasonal display in the mall. He looked nice when they first put him there, right after Thanksgiving, but now that hes all Read more...

Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from Americas Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is Read more...

Rather than specify that a government, army, or police officer killed civilians, many news outlets prefer merely to say that those civilians were killed. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of using the passive voice in journalism. Read more...

PHILADELPHIATriumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979s Rocky II. God, the part where Rockys training right-handed instead of southpawoh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits Read more...

SAN JOSE, CATouting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk Read more...

The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said. Read more...

OLATHE, KSAssuaging a clients concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a perverts erection hitting an air duct. In an old house Read more...

LINCOLN, NEWarning that crime among the nations youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa Read more...

Following the arrest of 100 Columbia University students, dozens more pro-Palestinian protests have sprung up across the country, even as the school year winds to a close. What do you think? Read more...

MIDDLETOWN, OHShocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. My Godragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmasdoes anyone else know about this? said one source, marveling over Read more...

PARADISE, NVExpressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam bands four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Spheres visuals than a projection of the groups website URL. Given what a Read more...

Researchers combing through a server based in North Korea found animation work for Amazons Invincible and Maxs Iyanu: Child of Wonder, including log files that suggest animators in China further outsourced the work to North Korea, unbeknownst to the American companies. What do you think? Read more...

VATICANTheir excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiffs appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peters Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy Read more...

Nike came under fire recently after its womens uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more needlessly revealing than the mens. The Onion asked female athletes how they felt about the outfits, and this is what they said. Read more...

Being his sexual plaything doesnt seem so bad once you realize you get to wake up to amazing views on his private island every day! Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MAConceding that the ethical dilemmas raised by holding onto such an artifact had proven too great, Harvard University announced Wednesday the demolition of Houghton Library, an edifice covered in tanned human skin. After careful consideration and consultation with experts in the field, the administration Read more...

TAOS, NMReturning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. Well, Ive certainly had enough of those, the 35-year-old said to himself, Read more...

Taylor Swifts latest album The Tortured Poets Department dropped Friday, immediately breaking streaming records on Spotify, Amazon Music, and Apple Music with 300 million streams in its first day. What do you think? Read more...

NEW YORKViolating the judges order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. Given the defendants willful and repeated refusal to comply with this courts instruction not to shank Read more...

CARMEL, INThough they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasnt wearing the shirt their wife picked out for them. Sources confirmed that someone, who shall remain nameless, had shown up to a nice dinner party in a shirt that was not the one from the Read more...

BENTONVILLE, ARAdapting the retail outlets previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a Read more...

THE HEAVENSSaying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. Im so sorryI know Ive always said you were created in My image, but thats not Read more...

MISSOULA, MTBringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this Read more...

Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musks $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout. Read more...