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Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noems exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trumps immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think? The post Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCharacterizing her new role in the middle of an Iowa corn field as a better fit for her skill set, the White House announced Friday that former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had been reassigned as a scarecrow at the USDA. While she clearly struggled in her prior position, we realized Kristi still had more [] The post Kristi Noem Reassigned To Scarecrow Role At USDA appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONStriking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that theyll no longer have to pay their sons cell phone bill if he dies at war. You may be grieving at first, but, believe me, youll be smiling [] The post Trump To Americans: You Wont Have To Pay Your Sons Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War appeared first on The Onion .

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Longtime Justice Department employee Timothy Parsons, a legal staffer in the U.S. Attorneys Office in Washington, D.C., was arrested and charged in a child pornography case and is facing federal criminal charges in Maryland. What do you think? The post DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case appeared first on The Onion .

Voting in local elections is key to democracy. The Onion shares tips for researching candidates on the ballot in your community. First, learn the name of the town or city you live in, and ideally the state as well. Decide exactly how important it is to you that your vote is informed. Ensure your preferred [] The post Tips For Researching Local Candidates appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKJeopardizing the fate of what could be a landmark federal antitrust trial, U.S. prosecutors were reportedly unable to attend the Live Nation trial Friday after scalpers bought every ticket. Ah, shit, I promised my daughter I was going to prosecute Live Nation for her birthday, said David E. Dahlquist, a lawyer for the U.S. [] The post Prosecutors Unable To Attend Live Nation Trial After Scalpers Buy Every Ticket appeared first on The Onion .

LONDONFaced with continuing public outrage over the former princes ties to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, the British royal family on Friday quietly removed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsors popular line of salad dressings from stores. For decades, British consumers have associated Andrews smiling face on bottles of Buckingham Balsamic and His Majestys Honey Mustard with the highest quality [] The post Royal Family Quietly Removes Prince Andrews Line Of Salad Dressings From U.K. Grocery Stores a

WASHINGTONIn an effort to provide a more hearty, spoonable drinking experience, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping new initiative to make all U.S. tap water chunkier by 2030.For too long, Americans have had to put up with thin, dull water, but were going to cut through all of the unnecessary red tape and [] The post EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONHaving abandoned his pledge not to let construction interfere with the planes existing structure or aerodynamic design, President Donald Trump defended on Thursday his decision to add a magnificent neoclassical ballroom to Air Force One. Trump, who appeared dismissive of photos that showed an excavator ripping into the famed Boeing 747, told reporters that demolishing [] The post Trump Defends Addition OfBallroom ToAir Force One appeared first on The Onion .

Statistically speaking, not every wedding is going to be magical. The post Pat Yelsh and Jordan Menz appeared first on The Onion .

The White House has defended strikes on Iran, stating that the countrys leaders are paying for their crimes against America. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding President Trumps war. MYTH: As commander-in-chief, Trump has the authority to take military action. FACT: It is unconstitutional for a U.S. president to declare war without the [] The post Trumps War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion .

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If the body of Beatrice Fagan, 88, is not claimed within one year, her corpse will be sold at a state-sponsored auction. The post Beatrice Fagan appeared first on The Onion .

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HOUSTONParalyzed with fear at the unexpected sight of the miniature figurine, Houston Rockets forward Kevin Durant reportedly screamed in terror Tuesday after unexpectedly coming face-to-face with a bobblehead version of himself. Whowho arewhat do you want from me? said the visibly trembling 15-time all-star, who nervously backed away from the tiny novelty doppelgnger as it [] The post Kevin Durant Terrified After Encountering Bobblehead Of Self appeared first on The Onion .

PYONGYANGTears welling in his eyes as he remarked upon how quickly things change, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un reportedly told aides Wednesday he couldnt believe his daughter Kim Ju Ae was already old enough to be executing boys. Its incredible to think that just a few years ago, she barely knew the words [] The post Kim Jong Un Cant Believe Daughter Already Executing Boys appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump blacklisted AI company Anthropic after it rebuffed the Pentagons demands to lift all safeguards on the militarys use of its model due to its concerns about the use of AI for mass domestic surveillance and the development of weapons that fire without human involvement. What do you think? The post Pentagon Cuts Ties With Anthropic Over AI Safeguards appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESUnveiling the procurement at the opening of the new exhibition Fanaticals: Cinemas Most Fearsome Freaks, the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures announced this week that it had acquired the original Disney adult. We are thrilled to confirm that self-professed Disnerd Rick Tomko is now a part of our permanent collection, said Academy Museum spokesperson [] The post Academy Museum Acquires Original Disney Adult appeared first on The Onion .

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Ortega was married off to Lazarus in a peacekeeping deal aimed at easing tensions between Indianapolis and Cincinnati. The post Adam Lazarus and Hayden Ortega appeared first on The Onion .

They dont need them, so its your win. And if you dont need more mugs, then just leave your mugs with your current home. Lets all just stop taking mugs with us whenever we move. That could start right here with this house. Reference #88225 The post Comes With The Mugs appeared first on The Onion .

MINNEAPOLISBleeding profusely as he radioed for backup against the uncooperative crowd, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Ken Fischer was reportedly injured Tuesday after making repeated attempts to detain the people in a neighborhood mural. Ive got a couple dozen hostile and extremely large individuals impeding an officerI need as many agents as you can send [] The post ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural appeared first on The Onion .

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think? The post Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike appeared first on The Onion .

BOSTONAmid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian, a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players mental readiness. Look, I know its your guys job to ask, [] The post Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian appeared firs

Hi, friends! Today, Id like to talk to the grown-ups. I know its not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook [] The post I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent. appeared first on The Onion .

CLEVELANDAs the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arenas kiss cam.Come on, come on, I want this more than anything, whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old [] The post Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam appeared first on The Onion .

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Mitch Nagler, 92, died peacefully last Thursday, at last relinquishing his stranglehold on the best easy chair in the Silver Pines Retirement Community sunroom. The post Mitch Nagler appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONWhile recognizing the small detail was of no real significance in the greater scheme of an escalating war with Iran, the entire U.S. populace admitted Tuesday that it was still curious to hear how President Donald Trump would pronounce Strait of Hormuz. Hes gonna have to say it out loud eventually, and it feels like [] The post Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces Strait Of Hormuz appeared first on The Onion .

According to Delta Dentals new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for a lost tooth has increased to $5.84 per tooth, up 17% from last year. What do you think? The post Price Of Teeth Rises appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCarefully weighing the implications of his presence at a particularly tense moment in relations between Iran and the United States, President Trump told reporters Monday that he remained on the fence about attending the funeral of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. If I go, I think itll really make me look strong, like Im fully in charge [] The post Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollahs Funeral appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSaying he just had a gut feeling about the U.S.-backed airstrike, President Trump announced Monday that hed won $60 on Kalshi after betting that he would bomb Iran. The odds were against me, but somehow I just knew that betting on an airstrike ordered by the president of the United States would hit, said Trump, [] The post Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting Hell Bomb Iran appeared first on The Onion .

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The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind data centers. 0.8 New pH of your groundwater $900,000,000 What 16GB of RAM will cost next year 4,000 Palm fronds fanned to cool the servers 1 Security [] The post Data Centers By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a snowball fight in Washington Square Park, charging him with assaulting a police officer, obstructing governmental administration, and disorderly conduct. What do you think? The post NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball appeared first on The Onion .

The human subconscious is such an interesting thing. No matter how much you think youve got it figured out, itll always spit out the most random stuff. Take me, for example. After coming home from a long day at the worlds most groundbreaking artificial intelligence organization, Ill go to bed and have the weirdest dreams [] The post Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course? appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESUrging the next generation of NBA talent to learn from his mistakes and avoid going down the wrong path, Shaquille ONeal issued a stern warning Monday to young basketball players not to star in a movie about a genie.When you come into the league and suddenly have all this money and fame, its easy [] The post Shaq Warns Young Players Not To Do Movie About Genie appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONStill sweating from the 7.5-mile walk from the White House to the video game retailer, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were spotted Thursday attempting to trade in a 1797 portrait of George Washington at a D.C.-area GameStop.One PS5, please, Donald Jr. said as his younger brother Eric pushed the 18th-century Gilbert Stuart oil-on-canvas across [] The post Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop appeared first on The Onion .

Sure, you denied yourself many things as you scrimped and saved enough for a down payment on a home, but itll all be worth it when your father calls it a total dump. Reference #59893 The post 15 Years Of Saving Just For Your Dad To Call It A Shack appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONExpressing certainty that they wouldnt make it to spring without resorting to drastic measures, the American people stated Wednesday that they had been left with no choice but to eat 35 million Canadians to survive the harsh winter. According to sources, the United States endured below-freezing temperatures and depleted food rations for weeks before a [] The post Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter appeared first on The Onion .