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EDINBURGH, SCOTLANDSending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games worsened Friday as hackers released a fully playable copy of Grand Theft Auto IX. Its heartbreaking having assets leak out for any of our projects, but thats particularly the case when the grav-room immersion technology needed [] The post Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of GTA IX appeared first on The Onion .

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The CEO of Pabst Brewing Co. put up a $20,000 reward to anyone who could provide information that leads to the recovery of 1,602 missing cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee beers. What do you think? The post PBR Offers $20,000 Reward For Lost Beer appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSScratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. I could have given everyone on Earth perfect, symmetrical proportions, so why didnt I? wondered [] The post God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly People appeared first on The Onion .

Legacy mapping tool MapQuest shot up to become the top navigation app in Apples app store after refusing to comply with President Trumps executive order renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America, overtaking Google Maps, Waze, and Apple Maps. What do you think? The post MapQuest Jumps To Top Of App Store After Refusing To Rename Lake Ontario appeared first on The Onion .

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CATouting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where theyre going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. Whether youve been sideswiped by a tractor-trailer on a two-lane road or dragged through an intersection by a furniture delivery [] The post Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck appeared first on The Onion .

Country star Ella Langley is breaking records with her hit song Choosin Texas, which has now topped the Billboard Hot 100 for 20 weeks. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Nepotism Connection: Child of God Honors And Accolades: CMA Award For Female Vocalist Of The YearBrunette Division Greatest Achievement: Endured [] The post Artist Profile: Ella Langley appeared first on The Onion .

From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves fit throughout the season. Mental Skills In recent years, mental preparation has become a major emphasis across the league. Some defensive [] The post Game Ready: How NFL Players Prepare Their Bodies And Minds For The Long Season appeared first on The Onion .

HERSHEY, PACalling into question the candy brands apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element of eating Rolos. Rolo roll call! a handsome young man in the ad says as he arrives at a crowded house party, [] The post Rolo Ad Greatly Overestimates The Social Element Of Eating Rolos appeared first on The Onion .

FORT LAUDERDALE, FLTearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died,grieving widowerAnthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasnt sure hed ever love someone his age again.Linda was truly one of a kind, and no senior or even middle-aged woman will ever replace her,said the 71-year-old, adding that after being married for [] The post Grieving Widower Not Sure Hell Ever Love Someone His Age Again appeared first on The Onion .

SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be the biggest launch site on Earth. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana? A: To give locals the no-brainer choice between living in Louisiana and dying in space. [] The post What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOClaiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers computer parties. While the term data centers currently has many negative associations, the word computer parties is just plain fun, said Freeling, who in a presentation [] The post AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers Computer Parties appeared first on The Onion .

ARLINGTON, TXNoting the text was chock-full of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. He definitely has an ax to grind, because this vampire character is written as a total monster, said Lambert, who [] The post Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past appeared first on The Onion .

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJHoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of Philadelphia Eaglesthemed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise sales.After several difficult seasons, we wanted to give Jets fans a shade of green that lets them proudly show their support, [] The post Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New Philadelphia EaglesThemed Jerseys appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCondemning the widespread practice as cruel and inhumane, animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers fun, easygoing brothers, said activist Heather Bolton, [] The post Activists Decry Meat Industrys Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles appeared first on The Onion .

CARLSBAD, CADesperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that werent Cheez-Its. Come on, come on, now that weve got all this health food out of the way, lets get [] The post Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Arent Cheez-Its appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nations most precious natural treasures for the presidents descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. Were proud to safeguard these beautiful forests, beaches, and mountaintops to ensure they can [] The post Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy appeared first on The Onion .

Iranian state media released a video that appeared to threaten the life of President Trumps youngest son, Barron, with the Islamic Republic placing a $10 million bounty on his head. What do you think? The post Iran Releases Video Threatening Barron Trump appeared first on The Onion .

In my 100 years, Ive been favored with good health, time with loved ones, and a long, fulfilling career. There are many things for which I am grateful, not least of which is the opportunity to travel this astonishing planet, witness its wondrous diversity of life, and share what Ive seen with generations of television [] The post When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic appeared first on The Onion .