CLEVELANDSaying he was ready to carry on the legacy forged by Cody Kessler, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and dozens of other short-lived Browns signal callers over the past two decades, rookie quarterback Shedeur Sanders told reporters Friday he was more than confident he could deliver everything Cleveland fans had come to expect. Being this teams 42nd starting [] The post Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect appeared first on The Onion .

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greenes (R-GA) feud with President Trump is shaking MAGA world. Here is everything you need to know about Greene. Birthplace: Kenya Religion: Islamophobia Experience: Six years of commenting Pedophiles! under Facebook posts Political Ideology: Christian swinger nationalism Favorite Condiment: Beef jerky Nickname For Son, Boyfriend, And Dog: Buster Campaign Slogan: I will [] The post Political Profile: Marjorie Taylor Greene appeared first on The Onion .

A new Gallup poll found that fewer than half of Americans now say religion is important in their daily lives, a 17 point drop since 2015, reflecting a major cultural shift in the U.S. What do you think? The post Religiosity In U.S. Drops To Lowest On Record appeared first on The Onion .

Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Floridas Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on July 3. The Onion breaks down the statistics of the facility at the center of Republicans crackdown on illegal immigration.40,000: Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign 0 Applicants deemed [] The post Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

SOUTH BEND, INExpressing horror at the sight of the health secretarys bare torso emerging from the vat of grease, a local Steak n Shake employee reportedly screamed Friday after a nude Robert F. Kennedy Jr. climbed out of the restaurants beef tallow fryer. My skin is perfectly crispy, and Ive never felt healthier, said Kennedy, [] The post Steak N Shake Employee Screams After Nude RFK Jr. Climbs Out Of Beef Tallow Fryer appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn the wake of a controversial incident aboard Air Force One in which President Donald Trump insulted a female journalist, Vice President JD Vance is said to have wept in his office bathroom, furious that the commander-in-chief had used his special piggy nickname on someone else. But Im supposed to be his piggyIm supposed to [] The post JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses Piggy Nickname On Someone Else appeared first on The Onion .

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SAN FRANCISCOShedding light on how consumers were most likely to interact with the popular software application, a new report published Thursday by OpenAI revealed that ChatGPT was primarily used to ask if hot dogs were too old to eat. Our large-scale analysis found that 98% of our users are leveraging the computing power of AI [] The post OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat appeared first on The Onion .

Pluribus, a new sci-fi drama starring Rhea Seehorn, is Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligans first show since Better Call Saul concluded. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Whats the premise? A: An extraterrestrial virus causes everyone except those who were robbed at the Emmys to join a hive mind. [] The post What To Know About Pluribus appeared first on The Onion .

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLANDAudibly sighing as he listlessly undid a corset string by the light of a candle, a sulking, exhausted stable boy was reportedly going through the motions Thursday of tearing open Lady Marietta Ashcrofts bodice. At first I thought he was distracted by the nickering horses, or the passionate surging of the thunderstorm, but now [] The post Exhausted Stable Boy Clearly Just Going Through Motions Of Tearing Open Bodice appeared first on The Onion .

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LOS ANGELESAlarmed after overhearing the young girl on the other side of the park fence, rapper Nicki Minaj reportedly stated You think youre better than me? Wednesday while confronting a child for reciting nursery rhymes. How many albums have you sold, huh? asked the 42-year-old artist, who posted a short video of the child to [] The post You Think Youre Better Than Me? Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOSaying all his attempts to remove the 84-year-olds stench from the vehicle had failed, local man Rob Davis expressed frustration Wednesday over his inability to get the old lady smell out of the hood of his car. I hit her, like, two whole days agowhat gives? said Davis, adding that he had scrubbed away [] The post Man Unsure How To Get Old Lady Smell Out Of Hood Of Car appeared first on The Onion .

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OLYMPIA, WASitting back to savor the 10-course broth-based haute cuisine, guests at the Northwest Community Center told reporters Tuesday they were thrilled to dine at the organizations exclusive soup kitchen, which offers free meals by invite only. Everyone on the streets wants to get in here, and I cant believe I finally get to try [] The post Exclusive Soup Kitchen Offers Free Meals By Invite Only appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONEmbarking on their self-described diplomatic voyage at the National Mall Tuesday while their wives and children waved goodbye, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly declared, Were off to see the world! as they set sail across the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. Anchors aweigh! shouted Donald Jr. jubilantly, peering through a toilet paper tube while standing [] The post Were Off To See The World! Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool appeared first on The Onion

WASHINGTONCalling the national crisis a complete justification for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the flow of drugs into Kash Patel. Day after day, Venezuelas violent cartels smuggle illicit narcotics across the border and into our countrys FBI director, said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, adding [] The post Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel appeared first on The Onion .

With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that weve never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an extensive guide featuring tips and tricks for preparing an unforgettable annual feast to create a completely miserable dining experience for one. STEP 1 Leave your ex-wife a long, meandering voicemail. [] The post Holiday Cooking For One appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESAccusing the competition series of blatant favoritism, Dancing With The Stars fans took to social media Tuesday to criticize the show for allowing contestant Whitney Leavitt to use an extra pair of legs. How in the world did Whitney get not two, but four different legs to use during her performance? Dancing With The [] The post Dancing With The Stars Criticized For Allowing Whitney Leavitt Extra Pair Of Legs appeared first on The Onion .

COLUMBUS, OHCasually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday while catching up over drinks with his single friend Brian Schur. Yeah, man, things are finesame old, same old, said Reaves, who that night would curl up on the couch [] The post Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend appeared first on The Onion .

The U.S. government issued new guidance that would deny visas to applicants with certain chronic health conditions such as diabetes or obesity if they may pose a financial burden on public resources. What do you think? The post New Rules Would Deny Visas To Those With Chronic Health Conditions appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKFaced with backlash against comments she made last week downplaying the sex trafficking crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, an anxious Megyn Kelly appeared on her podcast Monday waiting for everyone else to start condoning pedophilia too. I cant be the only person who thinks having sex with a teenager isnt all that bad, so dont [] The post Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONTaking the vice president aside to discuss the administrations response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed JD Vance on Monday to say that he had stolen Trumps face in the 1990s. Heres the plan: If you just come out and say that, in 1992, [] The post Trump To Vance: I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s appeared first on The Onion .

While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save money on food. The Onion shares tips for home canning. Enter an economic recession. Procure at least one can. Slowly introduce bacteria to other parts of your diet first. Start calling everyone Maw and Paw. Ask [] The post Tips For Canning Food At Home appeared first on The Onion .

DETROITDouble-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if it might be possible for him to take Thanksgiving off. I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get [] The post Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off appeared first on The Onion .

FAYETTEVILLE, NCAcknowledging that he was on a long and ongoing process of reintegration, former Army sniper Clint Meadows told reporters Monday that he was struggling to readjust to being near stuff. When my superiors pushed me into training as a sniper, not a single one of them warned me how tough it would be to [] The post Former Army Sniper Struggling To Readjust To Being Near Stuff appeared first on The Onion .

A record 40% of American women aged 1544 say they would like to move abroad permanently, more than twice the share of men, due to a lack of faith in national institutions stemming from Donald Trumps presidency and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. What do you think? The post Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom, [] The post Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape appeared first on The Onion .