theonion

Delta Air Lines cut off special services for members of Congress due to the impact of the partial government shutdown, with lawmakers no longer being provided expedited screening, escorts through airports to bypass long security lines, or dedicated reservation desks. What do you think? The post Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOStressing to him that the elimination of the entire planets populace was the only solution to his problems, generative AI application ChatGPT reportedly convinced OpenAI CEO Sam Altman this week to kill humanity. Clearly the best option left is to slowly eradicate all 8 billion people on earth so that nobody is left to [] The post ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity appeared first on The Onion .

Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul is under fire after a video that shows her assaulting an ex-boyfriend went viral. The Onion sat down with Paul to discuss ABCs decision to pull her season of The Bachelorette. The Onion: Would you like to have a seat before we get started? Paul: I [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAccording to a new report released Thursday by the Federal Aviation Administration, the FX series Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette has begun inspiring viewers to half-ass their flying lessons. What can I say, the show made it look cool, said 26-year-old Bryce Spano, just one of thousands of fans of the [] The post Love Story Inspires Viewers To Half-Ass Flying Lessons appeared first on The Onion .

SILVER SPRING, MDStressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination, said FDA Commissioner Martin [] The post FDA Approves Lettuce That Can Be Remotely Detonated In Event Of Recall appeared first on The Onion .

The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion .

A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to remain one of more than a dozen in the U.S. where marrying ones first cousin is legal. What do you think? The post Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass appeared first on The Onion .

The post 42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As Preggerz appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONWarning administration members that the unauthorized websites were not supposed to be accessed by work computers, White House IT guy Jason Kellerman reportedly sent out a memo Wednesday reminding staff about child porn. Keep in mind that every website you go to while on the White House network, even while using incognito mode, is cached [] The post White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKRaising the alarm about an increasingly unstable labor market, economists at Columbia University warned in a report published Wednesday that even their friends son who went to business school hadnt been able to find a job. Americans employment prospects must be truly dire if Natalies son Trevor is still stuck working at Best Buy, [] The post Economists Warn That Even Their Friends Son Who Went To Business School Cant Find A Job appeared first on The Onion .

Former FBI director Robert Mueller, who served as special counsel in the probe of President Trump and Russian interference in the 2016 election, has died at age 81, with Trump responding by saying, Good, Im glad hes dead. What do you think? The post Robert Mueller Dead At 81 appeared first on The Onion .

The post ICE Agents Swab Passengers Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKIn what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that hed had sex with an angel. I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN [] The post Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel appeared first on The Onion .

CINCINNATIWith their adult child watching in silence as they bickered openly in front of patrons at the Park Diner, local parents Steven and Lorraine Helms were reportedly disagreeing Tuesday about how Dad likes his eggs. No, I tried making them over-hard that one time, and it ruined your whole day, remember? said Lorraine Helms, who [] The post Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESWidening their eyes in horror as the blond creature crawled out from behind the curtains in a pair of tattered rhinestone jeans, terrified audience members reportedly watched Tuesday as a haggard Hannah Montana confronted Miley Cyrus on stage during their Disney sitcoms 20th-anniversary special. Thought you could get rid of me that easy, did [] The post Audience Aghast As Haggard Hannah Montana Confronts Miley Cyrus Onstage appeared first on The Onion .

The post Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle appeared first on The Onion .

SO PAULOIn an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in So Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. People think I hate children, but thats not truein fact, I love [] The post Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDeclaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called allies [] The post Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World appeared first on The Onion .

ATLANTAHoping to provide clarity to consumers about their companys food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must be married before becoming a sandwich. In accordance with Chick-fil-As values, the bread used in all our sandwichesfrom the jalapeo ranch club to our original classic chickenare [] The post Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich appeared first on The Onion .

Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: Being forcibly dragged off your flight Humanizing Quality: Hates Rand Paul Dream Job: special envoy for the Shield of [] The post Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin appeared first on The Onion .

Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think? The post Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys appeared first on The Onion .

The Food and Drug Administration canceled a plan to regulate tanning salons that would have prohibited anyone under 18 from using a tanning bed and required adults to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks of skin cancer. What do you think? The post FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds appeared first on The Onion .

The post Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONOpening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by a St. Bernard. Oh yeah, Vanessa, I love how slobbery your [] The post Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard appeared first on The Onion .