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As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think? The post AOC Freezing Her Eggs appeared first on The Onion .

The post Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence appeared first on The Onion .

Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers has released Lost Weekend, her third studio album. Heres everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Bummed out in H&M Biggest Influence: SNOOZ Pro Original Smart White Noise Machine Often Compared To: That platinum blond from Boygenius Accolades: Grammy for Best Performance by Child of Two Non-Famous People Bestselling Merch: [] The post Artist Profile: Phoebe Bridgers appeared first on The Onion .

Former Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who was convicted of crimes against humanity for ordering the killing of protesters in 2024, vowed to return to the country despite facing a death sentence, claiming it was her duty. What do you think? The post Former Bangladeshi Leader To Return From Exile Despite Death Sentence appeared first on The Onion .

Apparently the main characters mom and the quirky mailman are married now even though we never saw them interact this whole movie. The post Ms. Taylor and the Mailman appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONComing to an abrupt halt in the bedroom doorway and staring in surprise at her husbands exposed entrails, actress Cheryl Hines reportedly walked in Tuesday on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vivisecting himself again.Oh, er, honey, youre home earlyIm just taking a peek under the hood to make sure all my [] The post Cheryl Hines Walks In On RFK Jr. Vivisecting Self Again appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDismissing news of the 70-story skyscraper as a hit job manufactured by the mainstream media, President Donald Trump downplayed Thursday the significance of a Trump Tower found on Little St. James, the island once owned by the late child predator Jeffrey Epstein.Look, theres a lot of buildings with my name on it, one of which [] The post Trump Downplays Significance Of Trump Tower Found On Epstein Island appeared first on The Onion .

The post No One Translated To Foreign Players Why They Currently In Cornfield appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONBlasting the 2-year-olds incessant lying to the American people, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Thursday slammed her toddler son over baseless accusations that the caterpillar was very hungry. Time and time again, this vindictive child has served up fabrications regarding the caterpillars appetite that consist of nothing but radical left talking points, Leavitt [] The post Karoline Leavitt Slams Toddler Son Over Baseless Accusations That Caterpillar Very Hungry appeare

Surveillance company Flocks automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states, are generating controversy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the technology. PRO Helps police officers violates civil rights far faster than if they were working alone Garrett Langleys parents will be devastated if his [] The post Pros And Cons Of Flock Cameras appeared first on The Onion .

Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devines body parts. The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONSurrounded on all sides by overturned furniture, ripped-out desk drawers, and dozens of loose items flung wildly from their shelves, President Donald Trump reportedly tore up the White House on Thursday in a frantic search for more munitions. Come on, come on, theres gotta be one of those interceptor things around here somewhere, said Trump, [] The post Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions appeared first on The Onion .

The post Manager Calls Bullpen Just To Say Hi appeared first on The Onion .

The post Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended appeared first on The Onion .

Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that dont exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think? The post Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses appeared first on The Onion .

MCCOOK, ILComplaining that he couldnt even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukain Petrovi told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA superstar.Just because Im a 6-foot-10, soft-bodied Balkan man with a last name ending in -i, everyone automatically [] The post Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming Hes NBA Superstar appeared first on The Onion .

PALO ALTO, CATelling himself he had no other choice but to end the simulated characters life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday using a digital pillow. According to sources, Zuckerberg told his wife, Priscilla Chan, that he would be [] The post Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONWith the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. Were running out of time, and I havent been to a single free concert or even entertained the idea of camping or hitting the pool, said Brendan [] The post Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device.A sweep by intelligence officials has revealed that Mrs. Trump is in fact an espionage tool deployed by Russia to record President Trump while [] The post Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device appeared first on The Onion .

Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The brides psychic predicted shed find love, and sure enough, she will eventually. The post Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion .

Your Own Goddamn House: Its your house. You paid for it. She cant just make you leave, divorce papers or not. Reference #27802 The post Your Own Goddamn House appeared first on The Onion .

The post Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment appeared first on The Onion .

Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough savings to survive for the six days until you give up. Make a detailed business [] The post Tips For Starting Your Own Business appeared first on The Onion .

The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think? The post Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems appeared first on The Onion .

PHOENIXHorror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources confirmed.My legs nearly buckled out from under me right in the snack aisle when I saw what had seemingly been [] The post Same Great Taste Caveat Mitigates Trauma Of Snacks New Look appeared first on The Onion .

NAPERVILLE, ILVeering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parkers effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources confirmed Thursday.Well, Caleb, sometimes two people love each other very much, just like Bo Jackson loved [] The post Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONWith fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nations last remaining endangered species. Whooping cranes served! said an apron-clad Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, who manned multiple grills [] The post Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nations Remaining Endangered Species appeared first on The Onion .