theonion

BROOKFIELD, WITracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in an unknowing neighbors backyard. As they approach the end of life, more people are eschewing burial and [] The post Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbors Backyard appeared first on The Onion .

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Interactions between the president and the free press have been central to the United States since the nations founding. The Onion takes a look back at key moments that have shaped the executive branchs relationship with the Fourth Estate. 1803 Local busybody Arthur Swipple wanders into the White House and asks Thomas Jefferson what hes [] The post Timeline Of PresidentPress Relations appeared first on The Onion .

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ARLINGTON, VASaying it was disappointing to enter the smoothie shop and not be greeted by streamers or decorations, local man Ryan Hunter confirmed Tuesday that workers at Sweetgrass Juicery were not as excited for his birthday as the marketing email had suggested they were. Yesterday I got this email that was like, Congratulations on your [] The post Smoothie Shop Workers Not As Excited For Mans Birthday As Marketing Email Made It Seem appeared first on The Onion .

BISMARCK, NDAdmitting that it had let the other 49 states do pretty much all of the heavy lifting, North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nations greatness.Look, we acknowledge that we dont exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that [] The post North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nations Greatness appeared first on The Onion .

In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute? A: An on-the-nose alibi. Q: Should I be worried? A: You might want [] The post What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKCondemning the semiaquatic seabirds heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds, [] The post Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins appeared first on The Onion .

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In what would be the nations first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasans death by firing squad. What do you think? The post Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. No one should be surprised that all the scrutiny from the mainstream press is focused squarely on the spotted [] The post White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trumps Ass appeared first on The Onion .

GREENSBORO, NCGrowing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were always immaculate, said Fuller, reminiscing about the law clerk she and other secretaries at the [] The post Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONVowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity Thursday.Let me say this loud and clear: Failing to eat your entire hamburger, regardless [] The post FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger As Seditious Activity appeared first on The Onion .

DNA analysis of a lock of Thomas Jeffersons hair has provided the strongest genetic evidence yet that he did in fact father at least one child with the enslaved woman Sally Hemings, as has long been speculated. What do you think? The post DNA Provides More Evidence Thomas Jefferson Fathered Children With Sally Hemings appeared first on The Onion .

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