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WASHINGTONPraising the tireless efforts of the hundreds of agents who worked around the clock on the case, FBI director Kash Patel announced Friday that after almost two anguishing weeks, Savannah Guthrie had at last been located. This morning before dawn, a hostage rescue team stormed a New York Citytownhouse and freed Savannah, who miraculously did [] The post FBI Announces They Have Located Savannah Guthrie appeared first on The Onion .

The post I Dont Know How And Its Not My Event: Simone Biles On Her Decision Not To Snowboard At The Winter Olympics appeared first on The Onion .

The post Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls appeared first on The Onion .

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The bride (tacky) and groom (cheapskate) had a fucking cash bar at their reception. The post Wendy Tomalin and Lee Epsley appeared first on The Onion .

LEAWOOD, KSStruggling to contain his shock and amazement Friday when he recognized a familiar face on TV, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly yelled to his fiance, Taylor Swift, Yo! Taylor! Have you seen this shit? after happening upon a Lena Dunham sex scene for the first time. You gotta see this. This [] The post Yo! Taylor! Have You Seen This Shit? Yells Travis Kelce, Watching Lena Dunham Sex Scenes For First Time appeared first on The Onion .

TrumpRx has officially launched. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new government website. Q: What is TrumpRx? A: A strange line item youll see pop up on your credit card bill 15 times in a row. Q: What kinds of prescriptions can I get through TrumpRx? A: TrumpRx offers low-cost access [] The post What To Know About TrumpRx appeared first on The Onion .

FORT MYERS, FLArriving in their nicest cleats, freshly oiled gloves, and carefully applied eye black in hopes of dazzling their coaches and peers, Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reported to the annual Spring Training Dance Friday, marking the official return of baseball ahead of full-squad workouts later this month. Witnesses confirmed players filed into [] The post Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training Dance appeared first on The Onion .

The U.S. economy experienced almost zero job growth in 2025, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics data indicating that the U.S. economy added only 181,000 jobs compared to 1.46 million in 2024. What do you think? The post U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025 appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONHailingthe moveasa more wholesome and patriotic substitute for thecurrentU.S.territory,conservative advocacy groupTurning Point USA announced Thursdaythat it was setting upan alternative Puerto Rico.Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,said TurningPointCEO Erika Kirk, adding thatthe island would be known as Port Rick, a mistranslation of Puerto Rico that [] The post Turning Point USA Announces Alternati

The post Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well appeared first on The Onion .

SAN FRANCISCOHeralding what it called a bold new age in warping the mind of the nations elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator Thursday marketed toward White House advisors manipulating President Donald Trump. Our new Stephen video generator is an easy, user-friendly text-to-video model that can create clips up to two minutes long [] The post OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump appeared first on The Onion .

A study published in Science found that a bonobo named Kanzi could play along when researchers offered him invisible juice and grapes in a manner akin to a childs make-believe tea party, concluding that the primate could imagine and track the nonexistent objects being manipulated. What do you think? The post Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play appeared first on The Onion .

WATERBURY, VTNot wanting to squander the precious opportunity, local television viewer Amy Branson told reporters Tuesday that she was worried she was not living a 90-second ad break to the fullest. There are so many drinks in the fridge and snacks in the pantry, and yet here I am just sitting on the sofa, the [] The post Woman Worried She Not Living 90-Second Ad Break To The Fullest appeared first on The Onion .

Rapper Nicki Minaj has aligned herself with MAGA, stating that she is President Trumps number one fan. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss music, politics, and the controversy shes created. The Onion: During President Trumps first term, you criticized his administrations policy of separating families at the border. What changed? Minaj: My [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With Nicki Minaj appeared first on The Onion .

Robert Donahue, 58, died suddenly while crawling through the woods in his deer costume. The post Robert Donahue appeared first on The Onion .

Gray walls, gray floors, gray ceilings, gray fixtures, gray appliances, gray home inspector, gray Realtor, gray real estate lawyer, gray grass, gray life, gray Earth, gray eternity. $1,300,000. Reference #44439 The post Its Gray Time! appeared first on The Onion .

The post Luge Gold Medalist Probably Main Luge Guy Now appeared first on The Onion .

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Internal Department of Homeland Security documents revealed that less than 14% of the nearly 400,000 immigrants arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement last year had charges or convictions for violent criminal offenses. What do you think? The post Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record appeared first on The Onion .

BOSTONIn a move hailed as a breakthrough for round-the-clock gambling, sports betting company DraftKings announced Tuesday that users would now be able to place wagers directly from within their dreams.At DraftKings, we know the action never sleeps, and you should be able to wager howeverand wheneveryou want, even from deep REM sleep, CEO Jason Robins [] The post DraftKings Introduces In-Dream Betting appeared first on The Onion .

The post Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon appeared first on The Onion .

The severely hungover pair woke up married Sunday morning after an alcohol-fueled six years of courtship and dating. The post Allen Goltham and Ryne Baxter appeared first on The Onion .

CAMBRIDGE, MAClaiming there simply wasnt much else going on for the birds over the past several million years, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University ornithologists found that macaws evolved their vibrant coloration as a way to pass the time.According to our research, macaws striking plumage arose as a result of the New World parrots [] The post Study Finds Macaws Evolved Vibrant Coloration To Pass The Time appeared first on The Onion .

OWENSBORO, KYInsisting that the Winter Olympic sport was basically just lying there and letting gravity happen, local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldnt be that difficult. Not to shit on these guys, but cmon, if you can successfully go down a waterslide, youve pretty much [] The post I Could Totally Do That, Says Correct Man Watching Luge Event appeared first on The Onion .

The post Trump Attempts To Distract From Epstein Files By Gaining 200 Pounds appeared first on The Onion .

You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000or take your chances on the mystery house! Reference #68379 The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion .

The post Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For Winter appeared first on The Onion .

YARMOUTH, MEAs he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message boards biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. Its not even noon, and hes already being a huge prick to someone who just said they [] The post Rival On AnimeNation.com Up To His Usual Horseshit appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOSeeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism. Representatives at the sports website told reporters that Confluences would allow Barstool staff to supplement their usual output of fantasy football [] The post Barstool Sports Spins Off New Literary Journal appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONAdvising her that even the most basic gesture of contrition would solve all her problems instantly, lawmakers reminded convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell on Monday that a simple Im sorry could make all this go away. Were just asking for two simple words that demonstrate you feel a sense of regret for the harm you [] The post Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple Im Sorry Could Make This All Go Away appeared first on The Onion .

The Department of Homeland Security warned that the use of toxins, such as ricin and cyanide, to poison domestic partners has increased over the last five years, driven by several factors including accessibility of online information, ease of obtaining certain chemicals, and perceived difficulty in detection. What do you think? The post Report: Poisonings Of Domestic Partners Have Increased appeared first on The Onion .

With the popularity of streaming megahit KPop Demon Hunters, the formation of global girl group Katseye, and the reunion of superstars BTS, Korean pop musics influence on American pop culture is stronger than ever. The Onion shares everything you need to know about K-pop. Who are some of the major K-pop groups?BTS, EXO, NCT, NCIS, [] The post All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, Answered appeared first on The Onion .

President Trumps border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICEs highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homans background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite Haplogroup: Q-M242 Role In Project 2025: Genetic source for cloned ICE agents Favorite Part Of Job: Working with kids [] The post Political Profile: Tom Homan appeared first on The Onion .

The family of Alan Andrews, 52, welcomes any suggestions for alternate phrasings of suicide by cop. The post Alan Andrews appeared first on The Onion .

STANFORD, CAIn a comprehensive, decade-long study of the self-destructive pattern, researchers at Stanford University recorded a shocking 98% recidivism rate among Americans who had burned their mouths on hot food. Despite the lingering numbness on their tongues or the roofs of their mouths, the study found that nearly all subjects who burned themselves on items [] The post Study Finds 98% Recidivism Rate Among Americans Who Burn Mouths On Hot Food appeared first on The Onion .

WILMINGTON, DEExpressing relief about his obliviousness to Americas unraveling, former President Joe Biden told reporters Thursday that he was grateful not to be alive to see what Trump was doing to the country. I devoted my entire life to safeguarding the ideals of democratic freedom and promoting liberty across this great land, and I cannot [] The post Biden Grateful Hes Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country appeared first on The Onion .

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BOISE, IDCrying out Dios mo! and Aydame! as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstars EoO, millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunnys Super Bowl LX halftime performance. Oh, what a crock-load of mierdaqu?qu est pasando? said local 43-year-old Randy [] The post Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (Dios Mo! Cry Millions Of Panicking Republica

The post Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher appeared first on The Onion .

The post Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter appeared first on The Onion .

The post Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth appeared first on The Onion .

The post Streaker Running Across Field At Super Bowl Just Concussed Player appeared first on The Onion .

The post Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial Leaves Man Hankering For Clydesdale Meat appeared first on The Onion .

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