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WASHINGTONCongratulating the American populace on a job well done, election officials announced Tuesday that polls for the 2026 midterms would be closing early as a reward for everyones hard work. You all pounded the pavement and made your voices heard, so as a special thank-you for doing your civic duty, were shutting down right now, [] The post Polls Close Early As Reward For Everyones Hard Work appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONCrediting the increased participation to a months-long outreach campaign, Republican Party officials reported a surge in turnout Tuesday from first-time voter intimidators. Its inspiring to see so many newly registered Republicans grab their first assault rifle and show up at the polls to scare the shit out of voters, said Republican National Committee chair Joe [] The post GOP Sees Surge In Turnout From First-Time Voter Intimidators appeared first on The Onion .

Figuring out how to leave the United States and set up your life in another country can be complicated, confusing, and time-consuming. The Onion shares tips for moving abroad. Start by moving to an adjacent country and gradually work your way across the world. You never know which countries have food, so eat a good [] The post Tips For Moving Abroad appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn a united effort to fulfill their patriotic duty as Americans, the nations voters reportedly lined up in droves Tuesday to humiliate Nate Silver. Little fuck thinks hes so smartIll show him, said D.C. resident Jon Everett,one of 174 million registered voters whoeagerly waited outside their polling places for the chance to make their voices [] The post Nation Lines Up In Droves To Humiliate Nate Silver appeared first on The Onion .

DENVERExpressing frustration as poll workers handed him a large stack of election materials, local man Andrew Campbell was reportedly forced to fill out six years worth of back ballots Tuesday before he could vote in the 2026 midterms. I guess I have a few races to catch up on, said a visibly frazzled Campbell, attempting [] The post Neglectful Voter Forced To Fill Out 6 Years Worth Of Back Ballots appeared first on The Onion .

DETROITSaying time was rapidly running out for candidates in her party to do the right thing,Rep. Haley Stevens (D-MI) threatened Monday to endorse a Republican every hour until her demands were met. Its almost 1 p.m., which means my fellow Democrats have just a few more minutes to throw their full, unequivocal support behind Israelticktock, [] The post Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met appeared first on The Onion .

With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting. $140,000 Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it rains inside, then the wet basketball is slam dunked by Nikola Joki 2 New sports [] The post Sports Betting By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

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The Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series title over the Tampa Bay Rays in five games, marking the first championship in the franchises 57-year history. What do you think? The post Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series appeared first on The Onion .

Even after 250 years of government of the people, by the people, and for the people, democracy remains a hotly contested topic worldwide. The Onion examines the pros and cons of self-governance. PRO Still has alluringly exotic hint of Greece to it Just 30 minutes of voting burns 600 calories Any form of government that [] The post Pros And Cons Of Democracy appeared first on The Onion .

On this, the momentous anniversary of our nations founding, I wish to devote a few words to the pivotal juncture at which our great republic now stands. Decisions made today will determine what kind of country your children inherit tomorrow. We must be willing to pay any price, bear any burden, and meet any hardship [] The post Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn a move he claimed was essential to maintaining domestic security, President Donald Trump formally designated poll watchers as the seventh branch of the U.S. military this week.I am hereby authorizing the formation of Americas newest and deadliest military branch: the U.S. Poll Watchers, Trump said at a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, [] The post Trump Designates Poll Watchers As 7th U.S. Military Branch appeared first on The Onion .

HAMDEN, CTSuggesting the act raises serious questions among voters about a politicians respect for the average citizens privacy, a poll out Monday from Quinnipiac University found that Americans are more likely to vote for candidates who havent barged in on them in a bathroom stall. Across age, race, gender, and ideological divisions, U.S. residents overwhelmingly [] The post Poll: Americans Likelier To Vote For Candidate Who Hasnt Barged In On Them In Bathroom Stall appeared first on The Onion

WASHINGTONRevealing that the practice has surpassed quietly spinning the open cylinder of a revolver, a new poll published Monday found that more Americans were putting out cigarettes on their arm to reclaim a sense of control. Our most recent survey indicates that almost one-third of U.S. residents are now taking a long drag on a [] The post Poll Finds More Americans Putting Out Cigarettes On Arm To Reclaim Sense Of Control appeared first on The Onion .

JOPLIN, MOWith any interest or passion dissolving from her face the moment her son started to recount his favorite arc from the 2006 shnen series, local mother Debra Carlisle was reportedly spotted Saturday evening standing dead-eyed behind her son as he explained his Halloween anime costume to a neighbor while trick-or-treating. No, Im not a [] The post Mother Stands Dead-Eyed Behind Child Explaining Anime Costume appeared first on The Onion .

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BURBANK, CACalling the decision bittersweet, Scooby-Doo announced his retirement Friday after accepting a voluntary buyout from media conglomerate Skydance. While Ive loved all the years Ive spent unmasking villains with my friends, the writing was unfortunately on the wall, said the cartoon Great Dane, who told reporters he was looking forward to spending more time [] The post Scooby-Doo Retires After Taking Skydance Buyout appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKDonning antlers and hooded robes as a fawns entrails were spilled onto the raised platform of the bell podium, New York Stock Exchange officials continued their annual tradition Friday of opening spirit realm stock trading for one night of the year. Only in the twilight of the hunters moon, when the veil between our [] The post NYSE Opens Spirit Realm Stock Trading For One Night A Year appeared first on The Onion .

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ELKO, NVAdmiring the dedication to character but growing increasingly exasperated as the night wore on, friends of local man Paul Dorsey told reporters Friday that he had apparently committed to doing a Dracula voice for the entirety of his Halloween party. When we got here, he said, I beed you velcome in this over-the-top Slavic [] The post Host Apparently Committing To Dracula Voice For Whole Party appeared first on The Onion .

Despite the ubiquity of autonomous agents and chatbots, many Americans are still confused about how to make AI part of their daily routines. The Onion provides tips for using AI to your advantage. Use Claude to scan long, boring emails for important info like court dates and official charges. Drop your standards for a romantic [] The post How To Incorporate AI Into Your Daily Life appeared first on The Onion .

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Pope Leo XIV denounced the idea that a war could be justified by religion, claiming only peace is holy. What do you think? The post Pope Asserts There No Such Thing As Holy War appeared first on The Onion .

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WASHINGTONSaying the gesture would boost his partys electoral prospects at a crucial moment,Republicans have been privately urging President Donald Trump to not be president in the run-up to next weeks midterms, sources confirmed today. We tactfully suggested that Republicans up and down the ticket would benefit from someone else being commander-in-chief, at least through Tuesday [] The post Republicans Privately Urging Trump To Not Be President Leading Up To Midterms appeared first on The Onion

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