The U.S. government issued new guidance that would deny visas to applicants with certain chronic health conditions such as diabetes or obesity if they may pose a financial burden on public resources. What do you think? The post New Rules Would Deny Visas To Those With Chronic Health Conditions appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKFaced with backlash against comments she made last week downplaying the sex trafficking crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, an anxious Megyn Kelly appeared on her podcast Monday waiting for everyone else to start condoning pedophilia too. I cant be the only person who thinks having sex with a teenager isnt all that bad, so dont [] The post Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONTaking the vice president aside to discuss the administrations response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed JD Vance on Monday to say that he had stolen Trumps face in the 1990s. Heres the plan: If you just come out and say that, in 1992, [] The post Trump To Vance: I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s appeared first on The Onion .

While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save money on food. The Onion shares tips for home canning. Enter an economic recession. Procure at least one can. Slowly introduce bacteria to other parts of your diet first. Start calling everyone Maw and Paw. Ask [] The post Tips For Canning Food At Home appeared first on The Onion .

DETROITDouble-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if it might be possible for him to take Thanksgiving off. I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get [] The post Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off appeared first on The Onion .

FAYETTEVILLE, NCAcknowledging that he was on a long and ongoing process of reintegration, former Army sniper Clint Meadows told reporters Monday that he was struggling to readjust to being near stuff. When my superiors pushed me into training as a sniper, not a single one of them warned me how tough it would be to [] The post Former Army Sniper Struggling To Readjust To Being Near Stuff appeared first on The Onion .

A record 40% of American women aged 1544 say they would like to move abroad permanently, more than twice the share of men, due to a lack of faith in national institutions stemming from Donald Trumps presidency and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. What do you think? The post Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S. appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom, [] The post Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape appeared first on The Onion .

BATH, ENGLANDSaying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictators life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler was a type of fern. After analyzing genetic material taken from Hitlers bunker and comparing it with DNA from one of his known relatives, weve determined with 97% certainty that [] The post DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONUrging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday warning recipients that it could take days before their kidneys regained function. As staff are reinstated and payments begin to roll out, please expect delays in filtering out impurities in [] The post SNAP Warns Recipients It Could Be Days Before Kidneys Regain Function appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONRoundly criticizing the provision to outlaw many hemp products that was included in the bill to reopen the government, industry leaders warned Friday that the federal hemp ban threatened the overall identity of Evan Brucker, 32, a local guy whose whole deal pretty much begins and ends with hemp. Congress may claim the provision only [] The post Federal Hemp Ban Threatens Local Guys Whole Deal appeared first on The Onion .

Australian researchers identified a new species of native bee with tiny horn-like projections on the females face, prompting comparisons to a Satanic figure. What do you think? The post Lucifer Bee With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia appeared first on The Onion .

The post Kourtney Kardashian Casually Mentions She Passed Bar Just Fine appeared first on The Onion .

The post Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple appeared first on The Onion .

The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader Ben Louise correctly multiplying the denominators. The post Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician appeared first on The Onion .

SEATTLEIn an effort that was intended to be subtle but was clearly targeted, local cat Arlo reportedly followed pet owner Joshua Rice around his apartment Friday like a racist Walgreens employee making sure a customer wasnt going to steal anything. That asshole thinks hes being discreet, but I can see him staring at me as [] The post Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESAdmitting she felt a little silly after getting all dressed up for the premiere, Cynthia Erivo told reporters Friday she was disappointed after discovering that all her scenes from Wicked: For Good had been cut. Its definitely a bit of a letdown, but at least I had fun and got paid, said Erivo, who [] The post Cynthia Erivo Disappointed To Discover All Her Wicked: For Good Scenes Cut appeared first on The Onion .

After decades in the House of Representatives, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced she will not seek reelection next year. The Onion looks back at the former House speakers life and career. 1940 Born in Baltimore with mark of the gavel on her forearm. 1961 Poses for photo with President John F. Kennedy at inaugural [] The post Timeline Of Nancy Pelosis Career appeared first on The Onion .

The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt. The post Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop appeared first on The Onion .

Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users text with Jesus, tailor spiritual guidance, and engage with faith-based characters. What do you think? The post New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus appeared first on The Onion .

Sydney Sweeney, star of the new boxing film Christy, is once again at the center of controversy after the biopic flopped at the box office. The Onion sat down with Sweeney to discuss art, dating, and handling criticism. The Onion: How are you dealing with the backlash to your jeans ad? Sweeney: Im struggling with [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONResponding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined together to wail No! Not Larry Summers! on Thursday. Oh please God, not Bill Clintons treasury secretary Larry Summers! said visibly distraught Iowa resident Carrie Pritchard, who echoed the sentiment [] The post No! Not Larry Summers! Wails Devastated Nation appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn the wake of the House Oversight Committee releasing more than 20,000 pages of documents from the estate of Jeffrey Epstein, some of which raised questions about the extent of the presidents relationship with the convicted sex offender, Donald Trump on Thursday downplayed his name appearing in Epsteins correspondence by saying it only proved he [] The post Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History appeared first on The Onion .

BOULDER, COStressing that it represented an ideal opportunity to see one of natures greatest wonders, scientists at the NOAA Space Weather Prediction Center confirmed Thursday that the aurora borealis would be visible on Google Images tonight. For this entire evening, the northern lights will be observable to the naked eye simply by walking to your [] The post Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On Google Images Tonight appeared first on The Onion .

The post Jack Schlossberg, Member Of Schlossberg Political Dynasty, Announces Run For Congress appeared first on The Onion .

The 208-year-old publication Farmers Almanac, not to be confused with the more famous Old Farmers Almanac, will cease publication with its 2026 edition, citing rising production and distribution costs in the shifting media landscape. The post Farmers Almanac Ceases Publication appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONDismissing the swashbuckling sci-fi romp as a total hoax amid growing scrutiny over his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, President Donald Trump made remarks Tuesday denying that he had written a 36-volume comic titled Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles. Obtained last month by the House committee investigating the late financier and child sex trafficker, the Time [] The post Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles appeared first on The Onion .

LAS VEGASShaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggling cottontail from the canvas mat, UFC president Dana White expressed disbelief Friday that rabbits were still somehow managing to get beneath the Octagon fence.Weve tried everythingchicken wire, garlic spray, motion-triggered sprinklersbut the little bastards just keep scratching their way under there, said White, [] The post Dana White Cant Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence appeared first on The On

BROCKTON, MAAcknowledging that he doesnt get the chance to say it that often, but emphasizing that it doesnt make it any less true, the father of local resident Eric Flores reportedly called him Thursday night just to say he loves King Crimson.Hey, champ, I wanted to drop you a line to tell you that I [] The post Dad CallingJust To Say He Loves King Crimson appeared first on The Onion .

For those who know what crenellated means, like we do, this house has it (or them). Crenels here, crenels there. Just a ton of that good stuff. Reference #49308 The post Crenellated Aesthetic appeared first on The Onion .

So many musicians were hired for this pairs lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone. The post Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold appeared first on The Onion .

Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and lifting her body together on the count of three. The post Sarah Carney appeared first on The Onion .

Japan deployed troops into its northern rural regions to combat a surge in bear attacks that has already killed a record 12 people since April, as experts link the crisis to climate change and rural depopulation. What do you think? The post Japan Deploys Troops To Combat Deadly Bear Attacks appeared first on The Onion .

The post Study Finds Most Americans Cant Find Where They Are Being Deported On Map appeared first on The Onion .

President Trumps remodeling of the White House continues, which so far has included the demolition of the East Wing to add an expensive ballroom and outfitting his ensuite bathroom with premium Italian marble. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the renovations. 3: Chandeliers in the situation room $500 million: Funding from wealthy [] The post Trumps White House Renovations By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

BEVERLY HILLS, CAIn a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Biebers severed head.It could be nothing, but its a little odd for her to be out and about with only part of his body, no? said an unnamed source, who acknowledged that [] The post Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justins Severed Head appeared first on The Onion .

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin all sorts of trouble. Id be careful if I was you, fella. Because however they do things where youre from, round here we have our own way of dealin with criminals, and thats [] The post Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process appeared first on The Onion .

GUILFORD, CTWatching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the floor, local man Ken Esposito told reporters Wednesday that his sister was insanely letting their 98-year-old grandma hold her newborn. Are you sure Grandma can support the babys head with [] The post Sister Insanely Letting 98-Year-Old Grandma Hold Newborn appeared first on The Onion .