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Mountain-climbing enthusiast Derek Sanders, 37, tragically fell to his death Friday on the escalator of an REI. The post Derek Sanders appeared first on The Onion .

This warm, cozy home is move-in ready and features a pile of 100,000 acorns gathered by the previous owner. Reference #882011 The post Hibernation-Ready appeared first on The Onion .

The post Giving Up Too Much Work appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOReacting with dismay to the immediate positive results yielded by the hair care product, local woman Taylor Suthers confirmed Thursday that the nicer shampoo she had bought was tragically worth the extra money.Aw, goddammit, my hair really does look softer and smoother, said Suthers, who appeared visibly distraught as she ran a hand through her [] The post Nicer Shampoo Tragically Worth The Extra Money appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONCalling the upcoming collaboration their most ambitious foray yet into the field of human suffering, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Wednesday that they had tapped Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer, to design their latest migrant detention center. In a press release, the Department of Homeland Security praised Rader, who rose to prominence for [] The post ICE Taps BTK Killer To Design New Migrant Detention Center appeared first on The Onion .

Students from a Mississippi school banded together to prevent their bus from crashing after their driver blacked out from an asthma attack. What do you think? The post Middle Schoolers Prevent Bus Crash After Driver Blacks Out appeared first on The Onion .

PHILADELPHIAAttempting to remain calm while the massive green creature gyrated on top of the dugout, a terrified Adolis Garca reportedly asked teammates Tuesday if anyone else could see the Phillie Phanatic. This is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to God, I keep seeing a green dancing bear on the field, said Garca, nervously gripping [] The post Terrified Adolis Garca Wondering If Anyone Else Can See Phillie Phanatic appeared first on The Onion .

The post There Grows The Neighborhood appeared first on The Onion .

I used to struggle with my finances. Every month Id stress out about how I was going to make rent, pay the bills, and still have something to set aside for my future. I must have read every article and watched every webinar looking for advice on how to get ahead, but the most important [] The post Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made appeared first on The Onion .

The post Banksy Claims Credit For Latest The Lockhorns Comic appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday that they had confirmed the first known airborne transmission of Mar-a-Lago face.After a 32-year-old woman with no history of plastic surgery presented to doctors with distended lips, eyelid discoloration, and severe [] The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion

The post Capitol Tour Guide Keeps Pointing Out Hidden Spots With Uninterrupted Sight Lines appeared first on The Onion .

Amidst rising costs and concerns about long-term prospects, more young Americans are forgoing traditional higher education paths in favor of vocational schools. The Onion lays out the costs and benefits of each option. Exposure To ElevatorsCollege: Moderate Trade School: Extreme Most Popular MajorCollege: Bible studies Trade School: Bible maintenance CourseworkCollege: One-credit bowling class taken 96 [] The post College Vs. Trade School appeared first on The Onion .

Everyone thought it was strange that the least attractive of the sisters was the first to be married, but no one expected the officiant to announce it. The post Lucy Hastings and Sebastin Gonzlez appeared first on The Onion .

NEW YORKIn a chaotic scene that sent rising stars, supermodels, and A-list actors scattering, the Met Gala ended abruptly Monday night after Anna Wintours parents reportedly got home early. According to sources, the sight of the Met Gala co-chairs parents pulling into the Metropolitan Museum of Art driveway caused considerable alarm and distress among the [] The post Met Gala Ends Abruptly After Anna Wintours Parents Get Home Early appeared first on The Onion .

DANIA BEACH, FLReversing its company-wide shutdown after the sudden influx of capital, Spirit Airlines resumed business Monday after its CEO Dave Davis reportedly found a nickel on the ground. This incredible new funding source will allow Spirit to continue operating for years, even decades, said Davis, noting that the serendipitous surge in resources would give [] The post Spirit Airlines Resumes Business After CEO Finds Nickel On Ground appeared first on The Onion .

WEST PALM BEACH, FLEmerging from the procedure after hours of touch-and-go treatment, doctors attending to Rudy Giuliani said Monday that the former New York City mayor was now in liquid but stable condition. Were relieved to report that, aside from some minor ripples and dribbling, the mayor is currently in a safe fluid state, said [] The post Doctors Confirm Rudy Giuliani In Liquid But Stable Condition appeared first on The Onion .

The city of Westminster, CA redesignated a street from All American Way to Charlie Kirk Way, with the mayor claiming the change isnt political. What do you think? The post City Renames Street To Honor Charlie Kirk appeared first on The Onion .

According to one estimate, the average human consumes five grams of microplastics every week. The Onion shares tips for reducing your exposure to the harmful particles. Use water bottles made of 100% wool. Drink from single-use plastic cups instead of biting into them. Buy your children wooden toys instead of fun ones. Line your mouth [] The post Tips For Reducing Your Exposure to Microplastics appeared first on The Onion .

The post RFK Jr. Sucks Measles Vaccine Out Of Infant appeared first on The Onion .

HOT SPRINGS, ARStating that his fellow pupils held him in the highest regard as the most popular boy in the class, foreign exchange student Davor Radogost reportedly didnt realize he was being bullied Tuesday.Everyone in American school is so friendly to ask me how I got a head so large, said Radogost, who told reporters [] The post Foreign Exchange Student Doesnt Realize Hes Being Bullied appeared first on The Onion .

With societal collapse right around the corner, it might be time to roll the dice on this stunning ranch home that will make the perfect fortification against debt collectors or roving cannibal gangs. Reference #894710 The post Its Not Like Youll Have To Pay It Off appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn what political analysts have called a major escalation in the commander-in-chiefs antagonism toward the cultural icon, President Donald Trump made a number of public comments this week dramatically ratcheting up his rhetoric against Snoopy. At an event honoring Gold Star families Friday, Trump reportedly deviated from his prepared remarks to criticize the cartoon beagle [] The post Trump Ratchets Up Rhetoric Against Snoopy appeared first on The Onion .

MURCIA, SPAINSending shock waves through the tennis world, world No. 2 Carlos Alcaraz officially withdrew from the French Open on Monday over a career-threatening haircut. After careful consideration, we have decided that the most prudent decision is not to participate in Rome or Roland-Garros while we wait to assess the severity of this tragic styling [] The post Carlos Alcaraz Withdraws From French Open Over Career-Threatening Haircut appeared first on The Onion .

The post Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot appeared first on The Onion .

BOULDER, COAssuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyones penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. The last thing I want to do as a new recruit is come in demanding explanations [] The post Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually Come Up In Conversation appeared first on The Onion .

A nonprofit in Rwanda gave gorillas bank accounts as a way to provide compensation to those who render assistance to them, with both the government and donors funding the project. What do you think? The post Conservationists Give Gorillas Bank Accounts appeared first on The Onion .

The 2026 Met Gala will take place Monday, May 4. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the annual star-studded event. 1 in 3 Invitees aware the Met is a museum 5th Floor where the real Anna Wintour is safely stored while her decoy attends the gala $25 Target gift card awarded to [] The post The Met Gala By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion .

HUNT VALLEY, MDHailing the product as a life-changing alternative for those in need of controlled withdrawal solutions, officials at packaged food giant McCormick & Co. introduced a first-of-its-kind smooth and hearty transdermal gravy patch Tuesday. At McCormick, we know well the frustrations and difficult side effects that come with abrupt attempts to quit gravy, so [] The post McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch appeared first on The Onion .

The post Racehorse Receives Carrot Every Time He Wins $2 Million For Owner appeared first on The Onion .

The post Phish Ask Fans To Stop Hacky-Sacking Sphere appeared first on The Onion .

The post Table Tennis Champion Too Weak To Hoist Trophy Over Head appeared first on The Onion .

The Justice Department indicted former FBI director James Comey a second time for posting a photo of seashells arranged in the shape of 86 47, which Trump and his allies insisted was a threat to get rid of the 47th president. What do you think? The post James Comey Indicted Over Seashell Photo appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONMortified at the effect his blundering might have on delicate relations between the two countries, Japanese diplomat Ryuto Tanaka confirmed Thursday that he was worried he had embarrassed himself in front of Kid Rock. This is a man of great importance in the United States, and I have dishonored myself as well as the Japanese [] The post Japanese Diplomat Worried He Embarrassed Himself In Front Of Kid Rock appeared first on The Onion .

The post Melania Takes Camilla On Fun Girls Day Of Staring Coldly Across Empty Room In Silence appeared first on The Onion .

President Trump endorsed the idea of changing Immigration and Customs Enforcements name to National Immigration and Customs Enforcement, giving it the acronym NICE. What do you think? The post Trump Endorses Changing ICEs Name To NICE appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESInstructing his client to drop what she was doing and take a look in todays New York Times, talent agent Jeremy Weinrib informed Rita Ora on Thursday that he had scored the singer another prime crossword puzzle placement. Two down, top left, thats all you baby, said Weinrib, who urged Ora to pop a [] The post Rita Oras Agent Scores Singer Another Prime Crossword Puzzle Placement appeared first on The Onion .

AKRON, OHSaying the expectations he had set for himself were completely unrealistic, friends of local man James Chao expressed skepticism this morning after the 25-year-old announced plans to get two different things done today. When I heard James say he was going to pick up some groceries, that was one thing, but when he told [] The post Overambitious Man Wants To Get 2 Things Done Today appeared first on The Onion .

Influencer Braden Peters, better known as Clavicular, has generated controversy for his looksmaxxing content. The Onion sat down with the streamer to discuss his views, methods, and aspirations. The Onion: Do you consider your methods to be extreme? Clavicular: I get called extreme, but no one blinks an eye when Ms. Rachel tells kids to [] The post The Onions Exclusive Interview With Clavicular appeared first on The Onion .

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The post Youre Not Wrong, Babies Are Getting Worse: Enshittification Comes For A Once-Beloved Classic appeared first on The Onion .

HONOLULUCackling wildly as He willed the barnyard fowl into existence, a drunk God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, reportedly made a few dozen roosters materialize Thursday over a random point in the Pacific Ocean. Yo, Gabriel, check this shit out! the wasted Creator of All Things said while jostling the archangel on the shoulder [] The post Drunk God Makes A Few Dozen Roosters Materialize Over Pacific Ocean appeared first on The Onion .