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As part of a promotion for its new Icons category of rental properties, Airbnb recreated the floating house from the movie Up, which the company claims is a fully functional property that guests can stay in while airborne. What do you think? Read more...

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NEW YORKResting the device on his thighs behind the defendants table, former President Donald Trump reportedly watched a movie on an iPad during his trial Thursday, not bothering to use headphones. As witness Keith Davidson continued his testimony this morning, several reports indicated that people in the courtroom Read more...

BELOIT, WIAfter following a vehicle that had exited the parking lot of Hatleys Pub and pulling it over on suspicion of drunk driving, local traffic cop Travis Hatcher was reportedly too intoxicated Thursday to administer a field sobriety test. Hey there, Mr. Speed Racer Manuh, do you know how fast I wasI mean you Read more...

CHIINU, MOLDOVAAfter turning on the TV in her hotel room and immediately becoming engrossed in Moldovas most popular program, tourist Jessica Nevins confirmed Thursday that the biggest prize on an Eastern European game show was apparently a fridge. While I dont totally understand whats going on, I do know the Read more...

A man from Idaho was arrested for allegedly kicking a bison, which subsequently injured him, at Yellowstone National Park while drunk, for which he now faces charges of disorderly conduct while under the influence and disturbing wildlife. What do you think? Read more...

WASHINGTONSpeaking slowly in an effort to draw out his remarks during a televised address, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly distracted the U.S. populace with a speech Thursday while his department stole the nations catalytic converters to sell on the black market. According to insiders, Buttigiegs Read more...

The Drug Enforcement Administration is expected to approve a rescheduling of marijuana, which is currently categorized with Schedule I drugs such as LSD and heroin, to Schedule III alongside Tylenol and steroids, which would allow it to be purchased nationwide. What do you think? Read more...

While police are well trained to shoot unarmed civilians, plant evidence, and file for overtime, dealing with larger-scale events like arresting several hundred college students can be more daunting. The following are the best practices law enforcement should follow when clearing political protests and demonstrations. Read more...

AUSTIN, TXIn the latest round of layoffs for the companys struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical Read more...

NEW YORKInterrupting testimony as they walked straight up to the former president mid-trial, the Trump boys baked a cake for their father with a gavel hidden inside, court room sources confirmed Wednesday. We think youll find this cake very yummy and full of law hammers, Donald Trump, Jr. said with a wink as his Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CAIn a daily forecast that took note of a warm front moving into the area with a hot, damp mass of air, horny television meteorologist Troy Pruett advised local residents to bring a white T-shirt Wednesday in case it rained. We expect these rain showers to continue all afternoon and into the evening, so Read more...

WASHINGTONCalling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusing shitheel of a Read more...

LOS ANGELESSharing horrifying and riveting tales with friends who did not grow up in the Midwest, local 29-year-old Iris Pearson fondly recalled a beloved grade school tradition called Slave Days this week, according to sources. Oh, man, Slave Days were the best part of fifth gradeI think at one point I had over Read more...

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 19 people across the U.S. have been sickened by counterfeit Botox, with patients presenting botulism-like symptoms, a potentially fatal illness in which the toxin attacks the bodys nerves. What do you think? Read more...

CANTON, OHResponding with the excitement of someone who appeared to genuinely believe they were some kind of outlier, local white person Hannah Michaels seemed way too proud that she was using WhatsApp, sources reported Wednesday. Oh my gosh, of course I use WhatsAppIve actually had it for years, since I studied Read more...

In addition to being underpaid for teaching their lessons, providing childcare, and serving as mentors to the next generation, teachers are also underpaid for protecting their students from armed assailants. The Onion asked teachers why they need to be able to carry guns in the classroom, and this is what they said. Read more...

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Gov. Kristi Noem (R-SC) defended killing her 14-month-old dog, Cricket, after the anecdote was leaked from her upcoming memoir, saying that the dog was untrainable and tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm. What do you think? Read more...

Peace and quiet abound in this move-in ready subterranean unit within a serene, gated community. Professional landscaping included. Read more...

WASHINGTONA new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that the American people still lead the world in identifying precisely which of them they want. Our findings suggest that U.S. citizens tower above their peers when it comes to pointing out which one they want off the shelf and how many Read more...

LOS ANGELESIn a bold new campaign aimed at reversing recent declines in monthly subscribers, a new Tinder ad reportedly told lapsed users this week that they will come back to the dating app like a dog to its own vomit. Just as a fool to their own folly, you will return to your own retchings and happily lap them Read more...

GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, AZAwestruck as they watched the creature scarf down the grease-stained paper product, visitors at Grand Canyon National Park were reportedly treated to the majestic sight of a crow eating a napkin Tuesday. Shh, kids, quietwe dont want to scare him off, said tourist Pierre Boulard, who took Read more...

INDIO, CASaying it was time to build upon the music and arts festivals two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festivals potential, weve decided to add Read more...

Although the youth vote was integral in his victory against Donald Trump in the 2020 election, Joe Bidens approval ratings have tanked amongst 18-to-27-year-olds. If President Biden is interested in winning back Gen Z voters, hell have to do the following things. Read more...

NEW YORKEmphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison. Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be Read more...

WASHINGTONSaying theyd learned a lot about her life and the adversities shed faced over the years, the nations white women announced Monday that they had a new perspective on socialite and media personality Paris Hilton. After many difficult, arduous hours spent reflecting on our own deeply held biases and Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CTSaying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist had purposefully released a big dud as a commentary on the music industry. Although at first glance, it looks as though Taylor Read more...

FINDLAY, OHExpressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay out of pocket just so his students could have access to the emergency contraception drug Plan B. If we dont have morning-after pills in Read more...

WASHINGTONCalling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from Read more...

NEW YORKEarning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated childrens TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents during their scheduled weekly sex, sources confirmed Monday. We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to Read more...

In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said. Read more...